Chirenjenzie discussion

Okay, this is very rough lol. But if you guys see any way that I can tighten this up, please let me know! I have SO many other plot points that I feel need to go in, but have run out of room =( So if there's something you feel I can take out, or something stronger that needs to go in, let me know! Thank you!

Dear Agent,

Destiny Harkly is one of the last of her kind—a descendant from ancient guardians who protected the pharaohs of Egypt—and a part of the nearly extinct race of Kythan, whose shape shifting ability and electric power have to remain hidden from the humans of their steam-powered world.

It’s the year 2040, and the Shythe Council are about to drop the barrier spell, allowing the Narcolym—the strongest of the Kythan whose Flame ushered in the steam era—Airships to enter into their haven. Sixteen-year-old Dez secretly trains for an attack that her best friend Jace believes is coming, despite the Narcolym and Shythe Treaty Act. Not only is Dez weary of war, and her growing affection for Jace, but she fears the change her fast approaching birthday will bring, revealing her secret… She’s half Narco. When white flames burst from her palms, Dez knows she’ll never attend the Shythe Academy with her friends, and worse, her mother’s planning to run—again—in order to hide her. But a Narco named Reese changes Dez’s fate when he mirrors her extraordinary power, teaching her to control it and shift, disguising her glowing violet eyes. Finally finding the only other Kythan like her, Dez is falling for Reese fast, but is he truly who he claims? And when Dez discovers why the Narcos have really come to Haven Falls, her guarded world crumbles. Complete at 75,000 words my Young Adult Steampunk THE CRYSTAL PENDULUM is an emotional and paranormal journey of Dez’s struggle to overcome her fear and embrace her power—her destiny.

bla bla bla personal stuff here lol

All righty,
I'd break the first sentence into two. I know queries have to be packed full of information, but I'm almost in information overload. How about:
Destiny Harkly is one of the last of her kind. As a descendant of guardians who once protected the Egyptian pharaohs, she wields shape shifting abilities that must remain hidden from the human race.

Is the steam-powered thing a focal point in the conflict? It seems you could streamline a bit by leaving this out. The first two sentences of the second paragraph just confuse me. Make is simpler.

The year 2040 has been a difficult one for the Kythans, as the council that controls the region has decided to drop the shield that protects Destiny's people.

Not as good as yours, but it's less confusing. Remember, the Shythe, the Narcolym, the Kythans, are introduced naturally into the work so that the reader can process who they are. Putting these unfamiliar terms in one paragraph makes the reader stop and go "wait...now who was that again?" And I'm confused as to who this council is and why they have power over the Kythan people. Are they like their democracy, or are they a dictatorship and the Kythans have no control? Do I really need to be wondering this during a query?

I'd chuck the end of the next sentence.

Sixteen-year-old Dez secretly trains for an attack that her best friend Jace believes is coming.

Is her attraction to Jace more important that being weary of war? If so, I'd try putting the attraction thing first.

Struggling with her growing attraction to Jace and weary of preparing for war, Dez tries to contain her real fear. Her birthday's almost here. Soon everyone will know her secret ... she's half Narco.

BTW, if you are going to use an ellipses here, I'd forgo the capital S on She's. According to the CMOS (if I remember correctly), if you end a sentence with an ellipses, which is frowned upon, you have to put a space and then a period, which would look like this:

secret ... . She's half Narco.

Problem is, that just looks wrong, and causes just about everyone on the planet to pause. I'd go with

secret ... she's half Narco.

It then becomes part of the sentence, isn't incorrect, and doesn't make someone want to look it up to see if you're right :-).

I like the next sentence, except is it important in the query to know that they've run before? that --again-- slows down the thought. I'd chuck it.

I'd streamline the next:
But a Narco named Reese changes Dez's fate when he teaches her to control her power, and disguise her tell-tale eyes.

Also, we've never mentioned the eye thing before now. If that's why she's afraid of not getting into the academy, then you need to mention it in the white flames burst from her palms sentence. just tack it in:

when her eyes glow violet and white flames burst from her palms, Dez knows ...

And I'd end with the next to the last sentence:
Finally finding the only other Kythan like her, Dez is falling for Reese. But is he truly who he claims to be?

If you have to have the last sentence in there, I'd restate and tie it in somewhere around the introduction to Reese.

And the Complete at 75K needs to be a different paragraph.

And the --her destiny at the very end seems a bit cliche'.

Not sure if you can make sense of this rambling post! I've become addicted to Word's comment tabs, and honestly don't know what to do without them,but I hope this helps! :-)

Whoa! Thank you so much! And yes, I can make it out lol But I'm used to Word's comment tabs, too ;)

I like how you reworded it. I'm going to copy and paste this, tweak it, and see if I can combine the other plot points in now. Some of the things I need to clarify, like the Narco and Shythe Councils. They are important. I have to find a way to work that in better. and Dez's eyes are actually violet before her change. Trust me, I'm slapping myself as I speak for writing such a complicated book lol

I'd like to find a way to sneak the steam power in, because I want them to know that this is a Steampunk. I can't really talk about the devices and things like that, so that was the only way I felt I could use it =/ But I totally get what you're saying.

All right. I'm off to play! Thank you so so much! That really helps to see it broken down!

I think I'm showing my age here,but I have no idea what steam punk is. Seems the steam is important though, so you're right. You gotta have it. Thanks for letting me play, Trish. I'm off to write!

LOL it's not that big a genre, so you're not old!!! Stop saying that haha. I'm way older than I tell anyone ;) It's just an alternate reality where the what if question is asked. What if instead of electricity, people went the way of steam. What would the world be like if all our inventions were replaced by steam-powered devices? That's all ;)

And the Shythe's power IS electricity. So it's a major plot point. The fact that they are hiding with this amazing power in a steam world. Just have to find a way to get it in there.

And one other thing that I need in there is that because the Kythan used to serve the Egyptian pharaohs, and they are long gone, they way they have survived in this time is by serving humans, but secretively. that is the means for their survival. It's all running around in my head in one big mess lol But this what you gave me helps a lot. You haven't read it, so I know what is confusing others now! So I can focus on what to clarify =) TY!

Hi Trish

I noticed two things were missing. The agents I've met at conferences, including my former agent had the same complaint when it came to writers making their pitch. They hated it when writers plunked themselves down & immediately began pitching without introducing themselves.
They found this downright rude! They said the same applies with a query letter. They said they prefer when I writer introduces themselves and say something like: My name is ____, I'm the author of YA fantasy. You came highly recommended... or I know you represent this bestselling author & I love what you've done for her career, or I had a chance to meet you at ___ Writers Conference... etc.
Also, if you have won writing award or you're published, tell them so! It instantly adds credibility to your writing credential.
Oh yeah, and this must fit onto a single page.
Good luck! Fingers crossed, my friend!

Thanks Lorna! I actually do personalize the query to each agent, with why I'm querying them and also add my publishing credits at the bottom ;) I just didn't want to fill up the space with that drab lol what's up there is the guts of the query. But your suggestions are spot on! Although I try not to sound like I'm kissing butt. I've read queries where my mouth hurt from puckering as I read ;p Thanks so much! I appreciate all your input and wishes of luck. We shall see how it goes =)

Unfortunately, agents like 'butt kissing' & having their egos stroked! Key thing is, make it sincere. If you heard great things abt this agent, tell them so.

LOL awesome. I'll get my lips reader to pucker ;P haha Thanks! I've met some at a conference. I'd like to have Josh Adams. He was so down to earth and funny. We really got along. Some were totally stuck up, but I shrugged them off. Just like with everything, you have to find the one that's a fit with you. You're great Lorna! Thanks for your support!

Exactly, it's like a partnership & if the fit isn't right, you'll suffer for it! Follow your intuition, Trish!

"I've read queries where my mouth hurt from puckering as I read."

Trish, I believe that's the quote of the week. You two make me giggle! ;p

XD Me and Lorna get down like that ;) LOL You should see our dance routine!

Yeah, Beth! Our dance routine will bring tears to your eyes (and not exactly in a joyful way)! lol
Have a lovely Sunday, ladies. Catch you on Twitter!

Now THAT is gotsta see!

I need an opinion. As you know, I'm working day and night on the sequel to Asteria. There are several steamy scenes, and the book is really for the 15-23 yr. old audience, which I believe with all my heart is truly YA. I mean, young adult isn't a twelve year old, that should be categorized tween, teen or something else. I've asked agents, editors, and the industry in general what constitutes YA, and I'm met with the same innocuous answers. I'm going to put for ages 15+ on the next cover, but still, I think some of it might be pushing the envelope. BTW, these scenes do not contain graphic language (nipple and such), they do not get into the specifics, but I'm a sensory writer, so they do invoke a response from the reader. I need feedback ... in your opinion, regarding YA, how far is too far?

I think that as long as its tasteful, and I know it would be with you, Beth, that its fine.

I've heard a lot of bloggers saying they wanted it even steamier, so I think you should write it how you want it.

I know a widely talked about book, Forbidden has some fairly graphic descriptions for YA, but it may be a different ballgame since you know straight up that Forbidden is going to test the lines of right and wrong.

So, I hope that makes some sense.

Asteria was MUCH steamier in the original MS, but I pulled it back because it's YA. I considered just making the genre adult, but then I'd be missing the target audience, which is Kate's friends. And honestly, teens are the ones who really need to hear that they should value themselves enough to find someone that will treat them with dignity and respect. It's all about lessons with me (can't help it, it's the teacher in me :-).

Keepers is the same. The whole book is more intense that Asteria, I think. I'm in revisions right now, which means I can either ramp it up or take it down a notch or two.

Thanks for the feedback, Brandi! :-D

I say ramp it up- do you have any one who reads before you'd send out ARCs if you do that? If so, they could let you know if they think it should a moment where less is more.
:D

I've read plenty of steamy scenes in YA, especially today's YA. Teens today are having sex. Period. We have to keep our work true to today's teens. I think, like you said, as long as you don't include key words, such as: Nipple, rosy buds, staff... ect. Which is considered adult romance, than your scenes should be fine. It's all about how you write the scene. And I think you did an amazing job in Asteria. Very tasteful and respectful. So I for one want MORE steamy in Keepers lol. I say bring it one!

that would be on* I got a lil excited ;)

Here is a recent blog post by a well respected blogger/reviewer in YA: http://www.readingteen.net/2011/03/se...

This is actually a hot topic in YA lately. It really does depend on who are trying to reach and there will always be someone that sees the other point of view, no matter which direction you go. I'd be happy to read the scene you are talking about if you like. I personally don't mind sex or steaminess in YA, but I am very careful which books I recommend to students I still do book talks with at schools. That's just a reality.



Elizabeth wrote: "I need an opinion. As you know, I'm working day and night on the sequel to Asteria. There are several steamy scenes, and the book is really for the 15-23 yr. old audience, which I believe with all ..."

Thanks so much, Julie. Interesting post!

I have to agree. There's some stuff out there that's too much, but that's only my opinion. My oldest niece is 12. I wouldn't want her to read anything steamy. A lot might disagree, but I say it's where you're comfortable :)

Awesome post, Julie! Cool. and I agree with Hope, too! It's where your comfort zone is. Of course, I think I'm one step away from writing an Adult Romance LOL ;) Think I might have to let my characters grow up in one novel hehe

I'm starting over with query and I've gotten some feedback I need a stronger hook, and with only 1 full request (that was rejected) out of 50some rejects.

Here's some of the hooks that I've been throwing around (I know a few of you have already seen...) so please tell me if you like any of these, or still not quite there.

Desperate and seeing no way out, Meredith must decide—should she walk away from the only man she’s ever loved, or should she stay? Either way, will she be strong enough to survive?


With Kaden, seventeen-year-old Meredith feels normal again, not suffocated by grief. But she soon realizes she’s fallen for the wrong boy.



Kaden seems like two separate people, the polite and kind person Meredith fell in love with, and an angry dark stranger she is afraid of.


Meredith has learned the rules for survival. Don’t be late, never touch other boys, call home only when he doesn’t know about it. Keep Kaden happy.
The last is most important because when Kaden is happy, he transforms into the boy she fell in love with; charming, patient and gentle. Break a rule and she may get lucky and only be yelled at.

Meredith’s life is unraveling, one strand is her dad passing away, another is being alone at college. But when Kaden comes into her life, her world starts to right itself. He makes her smile, gives her gentle kisses, and gives her the time and attention she craves.

Well, the 10-14-ish is Middle Grade (MG) rating. YA is 15-21 I think...Elizabeth has up to 23. Both are close. I really wish there was even a rating between MG and YA, for those 15-18 groups. But, there is still that talk about sex in teen books. Some do great with no flack and others go through a banning process in some schools. I think most true YA books show up in high school and higher age groups. There is a difference though in how sex is written in YA compared to adult. So, if you are tasteful about it, like someone posted before, it's up to the writer and if it fits the characters... in my opinion. Good luck with your choice! :)Hope wrote: "I have to agree. There's some stuff out there that's too much, but that's only my opinion. My oldest niece is 12. I wouldn't want her to read anything steamy. A lot might disagree, but I say it's w..."

Hey all, I sort of decided to jump in the deep end today, so I hope you don't mind me giving my two sense: I agree with Trish. Kids are having sex today, and as I've said before, if you have two 17-year-old protagonists who think they've found the love of their lives, sex MUST come up. If you're not comfortable with your characters having sex, the topic must still be dealt with in some way.

If you do choose to write a sex scene, it can be done in a tasteful manner. A good example? Maggie Stiefvater's Shiver.

To Hope's point about her niece, a book appropriate for a 17-year-old should not be read by a 12-year-old. I've heard the type of books good for 11, 12 and 13-year-olds referred to as "middle grade" novels.

HOWEVER, you shouldn't avoid writing about topics relevant to your audience because a younger kid MIGHT read it. If you're supposed to be writing to 17-year-olds, then your subject matter should reflect that.

Whoops sorry I didn't see that Julie was already talking about Middle Grade. :)

Regan, we ALWAYS want you to throw your two-cents in! And I think you're right. I'm leaving it the way it is now, and see how the story develops. Thanks everyone for your advice. I'm off to write!

I like this one, although it may be misleading, IDK.
Meredith has a secret, one you’d never guess by looking at her.

Hello, lovely people!
I am querying my YA Fantasy novel THE WHITE ROSE, and after a few rejections I am going back to work on my summary paragraph, which may not be hook-ey enough. I would very much appreciate your feedback. Thanks so much.

Thirteen year-old Anaël has never been away from home. She’s never ridden a winged horse and doesn’t know she’s descended from a long line of witches. But all this is about to change when a mysterious bird is sighted above her home and her mother falls inexplicably ill. Family secrets are suddenly brought to light, and Anaël discovers that she is next in line to ascend the throne of a nearby kingdom, and that an aunt she thought dead will stop at nothing to ensure she never does. Anaël and her brother, Aidan, must leave their home and seek protection with a family acquaintance at his remote castle. There, Anaël encounters faeries, dwarves, shape-shifters, and the dark and troubled Melyon who develops an instant fascination with her. Anaël must decide whom to trust among those claiming to help her as she fights to save herself—and her family—from the clutches of evil…with nothing but cleverness, a sword, and a white rose.

Hey, I'd read it :-D. But I think that the first few lines could be tweaked.

What I love about this is that it is concise, without being confusing. I get what the stories about, but it might not be enough to stand out.

I've said it a million times. Queries are about making whoever reads them think "now that'll sell a million copies!".
The other thing that's tripping me up (please don't shoot me) is her name. Umlauts are a vowel mutation in which vowels are influenced by a following vowel or semi-vowel. You're umlaut is on the last vowel...nothing follows it, so I have no idea how it's mutated ... unless is a lost language like Celtic or some other tribal language. At any rate, four words in and I'm stumped. What does her name sound like? Are there three syllables or four? Is it Ay-neel, Ay-nee-ehl, Ah-nyel? I don't know if it strikes anyone else, but it sure slowed me down.

I believe I'd start with the first sentence being something about her discovering that she's royalty to a witch kingdom...and what genre is this? From her age, I take it that it's middle grade? If it is, how about a little middle grade voicing to make the storyline shine?

The story sounds like a real keeper. But honestly, I'd ask LK Gardner-Griffie, she's our resident awesomesauce on this kind of thing.

Hope this helps!
Chi (aka Beth :-)

Thanks, Beth!

The story is heavily steeped in Celtic lore and Anaël is a Celtic name. It's pronounced Ah-nah-ehl.
Thank you for your feedback, I really appreciate it!