Chirenjenzie discussion

I'm entering a contest where you have to pitch your book in 140 characters.
http://blkosiner.blogspot.com/2011/04...

I've also posted it here-- I'd love any feedback. I'm looking for a stronger/more fitting word than cherished, because it seems there's some confusion. Maybe changing up call home too.

Meredith overlooks Kaden's mood swings and later his fists, clinging to the boy who cherishes her until she finds out she's pregnant.

The first half of the sentence is great, it's the second half that bothers me. Hmmmm..... how about
"willing to sacrifice all that she is ... until she finds out she's pregnant.

Just brainstorming here, but that still leaves 4 characters ;-D

Hope this helps!
Chi

Hmm, how about something like this (130 characters):

Meredith overlooks Kaden's mood swings and even his fists, until the promise of motherhood changes her definition of love forever.

Definitely sounds like an intriguing story!

I like Chi's "willing to sacrifice all that she is" idea, too. This is a great challenge!

I like that Jacquelyn!

I felt like I needed to add in the element of Kaden that she fell in love with and why she stays with him--but it that not a necessity for the one sentence pitch?
(I've put it in my query)

Yeah, I think her reason for being with him is implied (she'd only put up with his mood swings and fists if she's in love with him), and you can put more into your query. 140 characters is so hard! Here's what I came up with for Rising Shadow; please let me know if you have any suggestions for improving it:

Ashlyn's dream of a normal college life is shattered when she develops amazing powers...and must battle the ultimate source of evil.

I like it- stakes are clear and there's a source of conflict. Its hard to get too specific in the pitch... the only thing I might would change is ultimate source of evil, but nothing more catchy is coming to mind.

Thanks, Brandi! I'll keep working on that last phrase. Such a fun exercise!

Jacquelyn,
You sure know how to boil things down to 140 Characters! I like both your suggestion on Brandi's and your pitch too. It'll be interesting to see who wins. :-D

Thanks for all the help! I'm now officially submitted with your suggestion Beth :)
Good luck Jacquelyn

Good luck to you, Brandi!