Chirenjenzie discussion

While Fractured is out and I don't want to send out any more queries until I get some responses, I thought I'd start working on When I Wake query:
What do ya'll think?


Sixteen-year-old Jessie wakes up from a coma and the world has moved on without her.

Jessie finally faces her fear and signs up for horseback riding lessons. She’d broken her leg at a jumping competition and pretended like riding didn’t matter once she healed. But she yearns to be back in the saddle again. When her long-time crush Ben is the one giving her lessons, she feels like everything’s perfect.

Ben’s dream is to play in the NHL, but he gives riding lessons at his mom’s boarding stable to help with the costs of hockey. He falls for his student and he gets a coveted scholarship to play at an intensive hockey team in Canada that would put him on the fast-track to his dreams. It all changes one day when he makes a bad decision and they end up riding back to the barn in a storm. Jessie falls and hits her head, and Ben feels responsible. He should’ve been leading the horse, should’ve taken the long way around—so they didn’t have to jump. Ben’s future is unclear, he can’t make decisions through his guilt and love for Jessie.
Jessie wakes up and her body doesn’t cooperate with her mind. She can’t move or talk at first, and all she wants is to be back on a horse and be able to hug her mom, or better yet, kiss Ben. But Ben decided to go to Canada to play, and even though she doesn’t blame him, she just misses him by her side.

Told in dual narrative, WHEN I WAKE is complete at 54,000 words. It’s a YA contemporary that will appeal to readers of TWENTY BOY SUMMER by Ockler, and AMY & ROGER’S EPIC DETOUR.

Since I've read this, I think that the first line is misleading. It makes me feel like this is the first thing that happens in the story. I'd start with the next paragraph and save that for later in the letter.

Before I edit it, I feel that some plot points needs to be changed around. I think that Jessie having a crush on Ben needs to come first, then mention her fear of riding since her accident. Then Ben giving her lessons and both of them falling for each other. Then comes the accident where Jessie falls into a coma. Ben stays by her side while she's sleeping, waiting for her to wake his life on hold, but then he finally decides to go off. Jessie wakes, but the world has moved on without her. Her struggle to learn to do things over again, Ben remaining by her side. Oh, and also mention her best friend, too, she was there the whole time through it. And I'd leave it on kind of a cliffhanger about whether or not their love is strong enough to survive her recovery.

I know that's kinda vague lol sorry. But I think before I try to edit the lines, the plot needs to be fleshed out more. Good luck! Love ya, girl!

Thanks girl. There's a lot I want to include, but I know that I should keep it as parred down as possible.

Work up one more draft and I'll copy and paste it and take a crack at it. =) I know how frustrating they are. I just got done w/ my synopsis and wanted to scream. Well, I did scream, but I wanted to do way more lol This is a good qeury, i just want you to hit those major plot points and really make them hit hard. I know you can do it! I read your others =)

Thanks girl. I'll take a crack after dinner. I'm ready to eat paint or something :)

Is this any better? I'm still in the stage like I was with Fractured that each revision sounds wonderful for about a day ;)


Jessie and Ben both admires each other from afar until Ben giving Jessie horseback riding lessons brings them together. They bond over their love for horses and discover they have other things in common, like books. She’s in even deeper as she experiences Ben’s patience and understanding as he helps Jessie overcomes her fear of riding since a bad fall at a jumping competition.

One day, Ben takes Jessie out riding, and a storm blows in. He decides to take the shortcut—but it’s one that requires jumping over a fallen log. Jessie falls into a coma, and Ben stays by her side, putting his life and dreams of playing in the NHL on hold. When the scouts from the intensive program in Canada, Ben decides to go with prompting from his parents, and Jessie’s best friend, Kayla, who’s been by the bedside as well.

When Jessie wakes, the world has moved on without her. Jessie’s body doesn’t cooperate with her mind. She can’t move or talk at first, and all she wants is to be back on a horse again and be able to hug her mom, or better yet, kiss Ben. When he comes to visit, she sees the way he looks at Kayla—the exact way he used to look at her. She’s frustrated, trapped in her own body, and she begins to wonder if their love will survive her recovery, and if she’ll ever be able to ride the way she used to.

I'm sure you can tweak this some more lol but here's what I got so far. Just needs a lil something extra, but I think it's getting closer....

Jessie and Ben admire one another from afar until the love of horseback riding brings them together. Fearful to ride after a previous accident, Jessie looks to Ben for guidance, trusting in his strength and patience which bonds them closer together. Soon Jessie is riding like she used to, and falling for Ben. Ben can’t help himself, Jessie has amazed him with her courage and he’s falling in love.

When Ben takes Jessie out riding one afternoon and a storm blows in, he decides to take a shortcut—but it’s a terrible mistake, one that leaves Jessie in a coma. Ben stays by her side, putting his life and dreams of playing in the NHL on hold. When scouts from the intensive program in Canada want him, with prompting from his parents, Ben choses to resume his life before Jessie and joins the team.

As Jessie wakes to find the world has moved on without her, she’s devastated, but determined to get her life back. She can’t move or talk, and all she wants is to be back on a horse again, hug her mom, and be able to kiss Ben. When he comes to visit, she notices the way he looks at Kayla—her best friend who’s been by her side—the exact way he used to look at her. Frustrated with her situation, and with her mind trapped in her body, she wonders if their love can survive her recovery. Told from a dual POV my YA Contemporary WHEN I WAKE is the story of….. that will appeal to readers of…… yada yada

Sounds good. I like your changes :)
Do you think those are good comparisons? I browsed through my contemps, and they were the ones that I found that had the romance, but also a bit of tragedy.

I don't normally read contemporary, so I'm not familiar with the titles, but I have heard of Twenty Boy Summer. Though I did see Amy Boggs tweet just today a very sarcastic comment about writers comparing their books to very well known novels. I don't know how well it's known, but I don't think it will hinder you. Maybe just if you're going to query her choose another title LOL or better yet, don't use a comparison for her. I actually don't compare my MS to any books in my query. I'm told that this is not wise, but I've gotten requests just the same, so I think it's just up to you. Good luck! It's a great story, even better than your first one, so I think you got something here =D

Thanks girl. So, you think at this point, I'm focusing on the right things in query? Sometimes I have such a hard time focusing

I've gotten a bit of really negative feedback with this version--do you think that focusing on just one of the characters for my query works better? I really liked what you wrote, but don't know...


Sixteen-year-old Ben’s life is down to this—go after his dream to play in the NHL or stay by his comatose girlfriend’s side.

Ben fell slowly for Jessie, drawn in first by her looks, but then by the way she is patient and understanding with his younger sister Jada, who has cerebral palsy. He gets to know her even more when he offers horseback riding lessons at his mom’s boarding stables for extra cash, and Jessie comes in for lessons.

Jessie amazes him with her courage and resiliency, and he’s in deep. After a picnic, a thunderstorm rolls in and with her encouragement, he takes her on the shortest trail—the one with a jump. When the doctor says she’s in a coma, he stays by her bedside—out of guilt and out of love.

Three months later, it’s time to make the decision to go to Canada for the specialized hockey program that will get him one step closer to the NHL. His parent’s are sympathetic but push him to go. A month into his training, Jessie wakes up, but nothing will be the same. His heart is hours away in the hospital with her, but his chances at his dreams are here and now.

OR

Sixteen-year-old Jessie wakes from a three-month coma and the whole world’s moved on without her.

After a fall that left her horse out of commission, she’s almost convinced herself that she never wants to ride again. Until her mom urges her to take lessons again, and her instructor is her long-time crush Ben. She’s watched him and fallen for his leadership and silent strength at her brother’s hockey practices—Ben’s the only reason she agreed to keep driving him for the record. Jessie looks to Ben for guidance, trusting his experience and patience until she feels comfortable in the saddle again.

Jessie wakes up in the hospital and finds out that she was in a riding accident, and Ben’s in Canada for a hockey program. At first, she gives in to the frustration and doesn’t even try to fight. Her mind works fine but her body isn’t cooperating, she can’t move much and she’s not able to talk well. As she starts to recover, memories of riding, the trill and the way it made her feel haunts her dreams. She tries once again to convince herself that riding isn’t important, and lets fear set in. Jessie doesn’t know if Ben’s love for her or her passion for horses will survive her recovery.

Okay, I like both, but feel it really has to be mentioned it's from two POVs. This is what I'd do. Is the MS ready to sub? Send each out to two agents, ones look for this kind of story, and see what kind of feedback you get. Because I'm standing by what I've said before, if an agent likes the plot, if it interests them, how well the query is written isn't the deciding factor, as long as it's written clean and clear. I'm living proof that a bad query will get hits LOL

I think it's pretty close to ready?
Do you still recommend even if I'm still querying Fractured?

When was the last time you sent out a query for Fractured? I don't recommend querying both at once, nol. But even if you have partials or fulls out, just stop querying F and you can start w/ the new story. I still have two fulls out w/ E, but its been with both agents for over 2 months. I count them as no's unless I hear otherwise lol. So yeah, I think you can go ahead with this one as long as you stop querying the other. =)

I did just wake up from a nap so my brain is a lil cloudy lol. Another member might completely disagree w/ me, but it takes agents forever to get back. I really don't see the two querying sessions overlapping that bad. *shrugs*

I'm not quite done with querying Fractured, but getting there. So, I'll just tweak a bit more, then let it sit for a while :)
Thank for all your help!

That sounds about right. Your welcome! =)

I guess I always need something to obsess over

HA! You're a writer, obsess is your middle name ;p and all of ours LOL To say I check my inbox is incorrect. I leave it open and stare at the messages as they come in haha.

Brandi, finally got around to this thread. I'm no help on queries *sigh*. I'd listen to Trish...she's the voice of reason around here! :-D

Hi guys! I hope you don't mind if I come in and offer a COMPLETELY different perspective. Thought it might shake it up a bit and offer new ideas. One of the agent blogs I read a lot is the query shark, and with the way those go, the query needs to jump up and stab you in the foot to prevent you from leaving until you've devoured every word. (LOL) With that in mind, take a look at this: (also, remember, I haven't read the book, so this could be WAY off base.)

A coma. That's what sixteen year-old Jessie got when she finally overcame her fears and took those horseback lessons Ben was offering. Ben, who patiently showed her how to (insert horse-riding stuff here that I don't know about). Ben, who was devilishly handsome. Ben, who wasn't there when she woke up.

It's true, Ben had every right to pursue his dream of playing in the NHL, but Jessie can't help but wonder if the closeness they had shared before the accident was a figment of her imagination. Now, with her body refusing to do what she commands, Jessie's mind is filled with thrilling memories of riding and of Ben. Will either of the things she loves most survive her recovery?

IDK - it might suck, but maybe it will shed some light on something for you, Brandi. =)

I like it Sammie! I'm horrid at queries, so this really is an awesome take on it.

I like it, too! I love her website also lol. She's got some funny and really good stuff on there =) Good take on it. I think it does greab you and also covers the main plost points.

Haha - I queried her once. I didn't have the guts to submit it to query shark (where she comments on how horrible it is - lol) but I got a super-quick form rejection. *blushes*

Me, too! She does give awesome rejections LOL ;)

who runs it?

Love the fresh perspective, Sammy! I'm so glad you joined our little group! :-D

I learn a little something every time I read through threads like these. I'm useless as tits on a boar hog when it comes to queries, but I know that it's nice to be able to bounce stuff off other writers. Thank you all for posting!

I'm just a little worried that the above version makes her sound wishywashy or not as strong as she really is... I'm working on it though :)

So--opinions here--should dual perspective books have dual perspective query?

Brandi, it's Janet Reid...actually, looking through the ones submitted can be helpful for your own, too.

http://queryshark.blogspot.com/

I'm glad I joined too, Beth! I've learned a lot, but having fellow writers to talk to and toss ideas with is PRICELESS!

I've looked at it before, I just couldn't remember who it was that ran it.

"I'm useless as tits on a boar hog..."

Scream! That's awesome! Now I want to write a character who uses this phrase.

Sammie, I really like your rewrite. I love how it jumps straight into the conflict. Brandi, if you want to make her sound stronger, maybe change this sentence:

Now, even as she stubbornly fights against a body that refuses to do what she commands, Jessie's mind is filled with thrilling memories of riding and of Ben. Will either of the things she loves most survive her recovery?

Then again, I am the last person on earth to ask about queries, since I freely admit this is my weakest area. I felt *lucky* when I got rejections, since some people just never responded at all. Ah, how I love self-publishing! :)

Yeah-- this is the feedback I'm getting. Pretty frustrating.
http://absolutewrite.com/forums/showt...

Yikes, Brandi! That IS frustrating. Tough crowd, but I guess so are agents. Question: has anyone else read the book? What it looks like is that the people at AW are trying to get you to talk about the plot itself...one thing I read from another agent is that you need to be able to pitch it in one sentence like this:

When OPENING CONFLICT happens to CHARACTER(s), they have OVERCOME CONFLICT to COMPLETE QUEST.

Here's a link that might give you more information.
http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2010/...

BTW - I feel for you. This is why I tell people that writing is not only amazing, it's also painful. LOL

Also, this is how much of a sap I am. I am already imagining Ben patiently helping Jessie recover and the two of them falling madly in love and riding off into the sunset on horseback. Bahahaa!

These are some of the pitches I've played with:

Ben must choose - his NHL career or Jessie. After all, he's responsible for her coma - or is he?

and

Jess wakes from a coma and the world's moved on without her; she doesn't know if she'll ever ride or if Ben's love will last her recovery.

Trish--you've read it, do you think I'm focusing on the right things?
What sort of thing would you write if you were doing query for WiW?

Hmm, it's hard to say how I'd write it. See, you also have to remember that when an agent reads your query, they are also looking for the voice of the novel as well as gauging your writing itself. I tried to keep to what you originally had as best I could, but some of my style still bleed through =/ I think that you are focusing on the right plot points, though. It's just going to take numerous rewrites to get it into shape and into the voice of your novel. If I were to write it for you, the agent would be quite confused if they requested, then the writing styles were different. does that make sense? I think you just need to play around with it. Maybe take what Sammie wrote and put it into your own style, see if you can blend it a bit. I like the directness of her letter, but it needs some of your writing style in there. It's tough, I know, trust me. I'm querying my third book lol. It doesn't get any easier. But at the end of the day, I will always stand by, that if an agent is interested in the plot and the idea of what the story is offering, they will overlook a less then perfect query. Because I have yet to read a perfect one. And that two sentence logline, yeah, it's really hard. Elana J has some awesome advice. She says when writing your query, to write it first in first person from your characters POV. Then go back through it and change it to third person present tense. That way you really get the voice of you novel in there and also your character is the best one to tell you what's going on in the story LOL

Ooooh Trish - I like the advice of writing in the first person. You're absolutely right about the writing styles, too!

Dude, she has a great book out there, can't remember the name of it right now lol, but it's all about how to write a smoking query. I have yet to read it, though. On her blog though, she offers a lot of advice from that book. http://elanajohnson.blogspot.com/

I like that advice too. I just tried again from both POV. I'm not sure which works best.
Be honest with me. I'm afraid to post any more on AW.


Sixteen-year-old Ben’s girlfriend is in a coma and he feels it’s his fault.
He fell in love giving Jessie horseback riding lessons at his mom’s boarding stable. He needs the cash for hockey because his dream is to play in the NHL. Of course he does because he loves it but he also wants to give the money to his family. His sister has cerebral palsy and the medical bills never stop.
The scouts from Canada are hounding him for an answer. They offered him a full scholarship, and it’s his best bet for making it to the NHL. But he doesn’t want to leave Jessie’s side. It’s only been three months, she could wake up any time, right?
Jessie said she was ready for that jump but he shouldn’t have listened. It was storming and the thunder spooked the horse. The sound of her head hitting the log haunts him, and he can’t stop beating himself up.
But if he doesn’t take this chance, another one might not come along.

OR

A coma. Sixteen-year-old Jessie never expected to end up in one after finally facing her fears and getting on a horse again.
When Ben offered riding lessons, Jessie couldn’t resist. He’s hot, she’s wanted to talk to him for months, and it turns out he’s patient and sweet. Even though she’s had more training than him, he has a horse, and just getting to spend time with him makes it worth it. She told him she was ready for the jump. She wasn’t even thinking about the storm, but she should’ve been.
She’s awake now, and it’s been three months, but it just feels like a day. Ben’s in Canada for hockey and she’s glad he’s going after his dreams, but it makes her even more determined to get out of bed and walk and talk like she used to. She’s fighting against a body that doesn’t do what she wants while her mind is full of Ben and memories of riding. Will either of the things she loves most survive her recovery?

Brandi, I read this and thought of you. Hope you're having a great Easter!

http://querytracker.blogspot.com/2010...

Thanks Beth. :)

Everyone--which of the above should I submit for YALITCHAT?
I'm on the fight card for today

Personally, becasue the story is titled When I Wake, I would do it from Jessie's POV is not from both. It just makes more sense in some way. Although when she goes into a coma, we hear from Ben more often. I'm kinda torn on it. =/ But I'd go with Jessie's. And I like that it involves her recovery.

Thanks Trish :)

I just got this feedback from Ms. Sinsheimer on Writeoncon for the Jessie and Ben admire each other from afar...

" Jessica:
I think "hard issues" could be replaced with something more specific
Monday April 25, 2011 8:44
Jessica:
Good second paragraph
Monday April 25, 2011 8:45
Jessica:
I confess I keep asking: How?
Monday April 25, 2011 8:45
Jessica:
How does it bring them together? How does she end up in a coma?
Monday April 25, 2011 8:45
Jessica:
Oooh, drama! (I like this part about Kayla)
Monday April 25, 2011 8:45
Jessica:
So, yes, I think you need to address the "how" questions, and this will be stronger."

So should I focus on that one? Opinions?

Brandi wrote: "I like that advice too. I just tried again from both POV. I'm not sure which works best.
Be honest with me. I'm afraid to post any more on AW.


Sixteen-year-old Ben’s girlfriend is in a coma and ..."

Brandi, remember your query should clearly indicate your main character. In the first pitch it sounds like Ben is, in the second it sounds like Jessie is. I would use the pitch that shows things from your MC point of view.

Here's an update-- better?



When Ben takes Jessie out riding and a storm blows in, he decides to take a shortcut—but it’s a terrible mistake that costs them both. Jessie’s horse spooks and she falls off and hits her head, leaving her in a coma. Ben stays at her bedside for months, putting his life and dreams of playing in the NHL on hold. But the scouts from Canadian OHL offer him a scholarship and demand an answer. Ben’s in a faceoff that he can’t afford to lose, so he accepts and relies on Jessie’s best friend Kayla for updates and vows to visit every break he gets.

Three months later, Jessie opens her eyes for the first time with her mind working perfectly. If only it would communicate with the rest of her body. At first, she can’t even lift her arm, much less get up and walk. Memories of lazy days riding horses and being in Ben’s arms fill her head and she’s determined to get out of bed and get back to her life. But determination may not be enough. Then Ben comes to visit, she sees the way he’s looking at Kayla, her best friend—the exact way that he used to look at her. He’s still sweet and attentive to her, and his kisses make her heart race, but she’s afraid his attentions are too far divided and she doesn’t know if she can compete with hockey and Kayla.

Jessie refuses to give up riding like she used to but her body is not cooperating. She hopes that her relationship with Ben will survive her recovery because she doesn’t want to give up her sweet and oh-so-sexy boyfriend with his tight jeans and a killer slap shot. Ben tries to juggle hockey, family, and seeing Jessie, all the while stuffing his feelings for Kayla deep down because he loves Jessie, and wants to be with her. He needs to get it together, because hockey has no place for second best. Jessie and Ben are aiming high and hope to make it together—because they don’t have a plan B.

When I Wake is from two pov, and will appeal to blah blah. :)

Brandi wrote: "Here's an update-- better?..."

Brandi ~ I recently stumbled across Pitch-U and the gal running it, Diane Holmes, has some great feedback. She's been running a pitch feedback session and responds if a very positive manner, but pinpoints issues. Even reading through her comments has been helpful.

And I'll try to get back a little later to read through & comment on yours (work calls), but I thought you might want to check it out if you hadn't already.