Ask Ayelet Waldman discussion

Hello guys! It's Ayelet Waldman posting for this week's discussion from beautiful sunny Maine! I'm going to make this conversation mulit-media (aren't I snazzy) but posting some photos on twitter (follow me at @ayeletw). I arrived here on Saturday night at around midnight -- one of the reasons we love Maine so much is that it's IMPOSSIBLE to get here from Berkeley -- and have been unpacking like a madwoman. But things are a little calmer now. The kids toys are all in their bins, the dust has been wiped out of the cereal bowls (sort of) and I have a few minutes to begin this conversation.

I set the novel Red Hook Road in Maine because we've been coming here for years -- about 8 actually -- and have fallen in love with the place. It took a little chutzpah to write about it, though. Maine is one of those places people feel VERY possessive about. I lost a frenemy over my decision to set the novel in Maine. She told me I had no right to usurp her geographical heritage. I told her to remember that the next time she had a character drive through the Bay Area! Anyway...like I said. Frenemy.

I'd love to hear your thoughts about the novel, about the relationships between the characters, about the place and themes. Basically, about anything. Don't leave me hanging, peeps!

Hi! I just ordered your novel on amazon all the way from Italy (that is how much I care for books, yes). So in the meanwhile, I was wondering: where did the story come from? Was it always in you? Or did it arrive on your doorsteps one day, out of the blue?

From Italy! That's awesome...the story is inspired by something a heard on the radio...about a bride and groom who were killed in a car accident on the way from the wedding to the reception. It was such a horrible story...and my immediate response was, "Oh my God, that would make an amazing beginning for a novel!"

Did you find someone to drive your dog to Maine?

No, in the end we decided to leave Fanny in Berkeley with a house/dog sitter. She couldn't handle the flight, and the car ride would have been traumatic, too. Alas. We miss her so much!

I just finished reading Red Hook Road and I loved it so, so much. All of your characters are full of flaws, and yet I loved every one of them so much. How do you manage to be so evenhanded with your characters?

Welcome Marla! I try to think of each of my characters as people. There are definitely those with whom it's easier to spend time, but in some way I love all of them, even though ( or maybe because) they are flawed. I'm so glad you appreciated that. I have been accused in the past of being hard on my characters. "Make them more likable!" The comment writers dread the most.

The rescue with Jane was detailed. Do you sail? How were you able to write in such detail about the weather, topography, etc?

Hello Jackie! Not only do I not sail, but I am the most landish of land lubbers. In fact, my friend Eric, who is a wooden boat builder, has vowed that he will get me out this year and teach me how to sail. He's sick of the Waldman-Chabon "inflatable craft." (Check it out. Isn't it AWESOME? http://www.overstock.com/Sports-Toys/...).

The short answer to your question is research. I researched wooden boats, I consulted with wood boat builders, I read and read and read. I find the old adage "write what you know" to be incredibly tiresome. How many books about Jewish former lawyers with piles of children do need in this world. I'm much more interested in writing about what I can imagine that what I actually know. But then the onus is on me to do the research.

I'm generally interested in your transition from lawyer/advocate to fiction writer and from genre fiction to literary fiction. The writing demands are so different. How did that happen? I know MC is a big proponent of creative writing programs. Were you able to benefit from his experience initially or were you working on your own & using other resources early in your writing career? Did you have a mystery idea somewhat well-formed one day and sit down to write it? Or did you start out with creative writing exercises and stories before writing the 1st book? Do you think it was easier as a new writer to write within the mystery genre rather than to write more literary fiction? Do you feel you had to "grow into" a Red Hook Road? Finally, it is rare to see an author's successful move from light mysteries into rich literary fiction, like Red Hook Road. Do you find the writing process very different between genre fiction and literary? How so? Thanks for taking time to respond. But have a Mojito or 2 first so you don't resent the length of my question!

Hello Eliana! Michael is only a proponent of writing programs if they give you time to write, and don't put you into any debt at all. Otherwise, he actually thinks they're a bad idea. No one should incur debt in their quest to be a novelist. The chances of earning it back are much too small.

I started with genre fiction because I thought I could get away more easily with learning on the job. Whether I was right nor not (and arguably I was an idiot, because a mystery not only has to be well written but well plotte), it was a good process for me. My mysteries got more and more complicated as my ambitions increased. Finally, I felt ready to move from the rigid structure of genre to more loosey goosey "literary fiction." I find that much more satisfying now, and have no plans to return to writing mysteries any time soon. Though I do still enjoy reading them!

Good morning folks! No questions yet, so I thought I'd just post a little morning meandering...

I'm looking out the window at my lupines. They're crazy this time of year. They grow like weeds, everywhere, along the sides of the roads, in everyone's gardens. Even the most decrepit house has lupines growing in the yard. Mine are mostly purple, but the really splendid fields have them in all shades of pink, lavender, purple. They're glorious!

OK, well, if you won't ask ME questions, then I'll ask you questions!!!
There is a point in the novel where Iris ponders the love she feels for her two daughters, and thinks to herself that though she loves them both, it's just EASIER to love her older daughter. She's less needy, less demanding of the kind of attention it's harder for her to give. =Surveys show that 1 in 6 moms admits to loving one child more. What do you make of that? Is Iris just reprehensible? Are her feelings "normal" or at least understandable?

I thought there was a fascinating tension in the book between settling/not settling that, having read some of your non-fiction, seems to be something you wrestle with, too.

Becca confounding her mother's expectations and "settling" for John, even though the two of them had a kind of perfect ease and resonance. Iris's quiet contempt for her husband's job, and his own feeling that he settled for that. The grandfather settling for playing music the way he wanted to instead of the way in which he knew he could become famous. Judy settling for a successful job, instead of perhaps a happy life. (Although everybody who lives in Maine works so hard, the best you can ask for is maybe endless toil.)

Settling seems like a giant crime. But it's also one you absolve the characters of. Am I settling for an easy argument here?

Hi Ayelet,
I'm a big fan, starting back with the Mommy Track books (set in my hometown of Hanock Park). I did skip one book however - Love and Other Impossible Pursuits - because as a mother, I find I can no longer read books (or see movies or TV) about dead children. Red Hook Road (which I did read - in one sitting - on the way to London last year) also deals with the subject of parents outliving their children. Given your piece in the NY Times about your husband and your kids, I wonder why this particular topic brings you back again and again? Do you have any thoughts on this?

Here's what I posted on your Facebook wall after I read Red Hook Road:
"Thank you Ayelet Waldman! Truly as beautiful and poignant as the most exquisitely played Bach on violin. Pat Conroy's praise of Red Hook Road says it all. I can't wait to meet you in June and thank you in person."

And here's what I posted on tumblr: "exquisite prose, well-defined characters and a compelling story laced with poignancy, intensity and beautiful images. As Pat Conroy said in his praise of Read Hook Road, this book changed me like all good books do. Ayelet Waldman is truly a gifted writer."

And I never got a chance to thank you when I met you...so thank you!

Hello. I love all of your books as well as your husbands! What will your next one be about and when will it be released? I can't wait to read it.

Ayelet wrote: "OK, well, if you won't ask ME questions, then I'll ask you questions!!!
There is a point in the novel where Iris ponders the love she feels for her two daughters, and thinks to herself that though ..."

I would definitely agree, but I think it's very hard to admit. An easy infant that sleeps a lot and coos at you is abundantly easier to love than a colicky one. My oldest two are 8 and 6 year old girls. My love for them is different and varied. Even my empathy is raised differently as they begin to show different childhood foibles that I had myself. To say I love my children exactly the same is impossible for me.

Ayelet, my question is about Emelia. I thought that book would be a hard read as my first husband cheated on and left me, but instead I found myself fascinated by your account of step-motherhood as I am now one myself. How did you research what it's like to try and love someone else's child on a part time basis?

The thought of having to choose one child over the other(s) is I think something that lurks in the darkness of every mother's heart. So interesting to think about and so horrific at the same time. Like Sophie's Choice -- so completely haunting. I do think it's normal and natural though, which is what makes it so interesting.

Ok I do have a question. You talk about getting ideas from other people -- from stuff that's happened to them. Have you ever had someone come back to you after reading a book of yours and say, "This is me, isn't it?" or "You hag, how could you steal my tragedy" or "You've immortalized my anguish so beautifully, thank you" or whatever?

Absolutely, Lydia. It happens all the time. But oddly, the people who are utterly convinced I stole their story are never the ones whose lives I've cannibalized. Those people usually don't recognize themselves, because I've gone to such great lengths to conceal them. I will say, though, that I have someone who was very very close to me who hasn't spoken to me since Bad Mother came out. This is, I think, the heartbreak of my life. I'm sure he used the excuse of what I wrote to cut me out of his life - something he's wanted to do for a while -- but nonetheless it breaks my heart.

Glen, it's funny that you should point that out...and I think you're totally right. What's so crazy is that I haven't settled at all...not in m life at least. I had a boyfriend for 6 years whom I should have settled for, but instead I left him and then, about a year later, met Michael. I had a career that satisfied me in many ways -- a career I should by all reasonable estimations, have settled for. But then I started writing. Mysteries were going well for me, I should have settled for that, but then I decided I needed to write 'literary' fiction.

So what the hell??? Why do I feel like "settling" is the right thing to do in FICTION but not in my life???

Erin,
The easy answer is that Michael and I lost a pregnancy in the 2nd trimester (though "lost" is such a cowardly way of putting it. We terminated. We had an abortion.) and that experience so utterly destroyed me emotionally that I felt like I had to keep "writing it out of my system." And though that's an easy answer, it is true in many ways. Beyond that...I just don't know. Why was Red Hook Road the book I needed to write, when I tried to write TWO other books and threw away the manuscript? I just don't know...

My next novel has nothing to do with children dying. Well. Er. Except that it's about the Holocaust.

Gah!

Mimi, you are a doll...but i told you that when we met!!

Dina, My next novel is about the Hungarian Gold Train which you can read about here. But it's about so much more than that. It's about love, and suffragettes, and what it was like to be Jewish in the American army in the 1940s, and about the Holocaust, and about Israel, and heroism, and love (oh, I said that), and early psychoanalysis, and love. And love again.

Ayelet wrote: "OK, well, if you won't ask ME questions, then I'll ask you questions!!!
There is a point in the novel where Iris ponders the love she feels for her two daughters, and thinks to herself that though ..."


My mom had three children. I was the only girl, the middle child. I was not easy to love because I was prickly, asked too many questions neither she nor my father were willing to answer truthfully and just an all around pain in the ass. But polite to others and had manners (I'm from the south). My brothers were easier for my mother. I always assumed she loved my older brother best. At her death, I learned each of us thought she loved one of the others better.

Marla -- honest and brave to say it! I always tell my kids that I absolutely have favorites. At any given moment of any given day, one or the other of them is my favorite. I also remind them that if they want to BE my favorite they just need to give me a kiss and a hug, and maybe bring me a scoop of butter almond ice cream.

But in all seriousness, I do think that there are times when different kids are easier to love...not that you don't love them ALL the time, but sometimes you lose track of them, or you worry about them (or you don't worry about them -- sometimes my "favorite" is the one I'm worried the most about!), or they need you more or less. And some kids are just easier and/or more delightful at different ages. My oldest is a stupendous teenager. I find myself ever more in love with her all the time. Who would have thought?

Marla,

First of all, Fuck your ex-husband, that idiot. I hate him.

Fool.

Blech.

Second of all, I'm incredibly grateful and flattered that you said that. I wrote Emilia because she is my nightmare. My husband is always surrounded by sycophantic young women who slip him their "erotic massage" cards, and I'm a 46 year old woman with 10 pounds (okay, 15) to lose, wrinkles, a weird new bald patch on the left side of my head (was it all those ponytails for so many years?), who also happens to be a raging BITCH 23% of the time. I'm terrified some Emilia-like person will sneak up and ruin my life. So I wrote a book that forced me to confront and try to understand my biggest fear. Therapy, but instead of paying for it, I sweat blood and earned a little money.

I've read all of your Mommy Track mysteries (and miss them though I know you won't be writing more), Love and Other Pursuits, and Red Hook Road. (Also your late blog, which was pretty compelling, if frightening, reading.) I'm now partway into Bad Mother. So I'm an admirer. But I'm also intrigued by this controversy you stirred up when you wrote about loving your husband more than your kids. You seemed surprised by the outrage--and yet from the outside, it seemed like the kind of essay that OF COURSE would provoke outrage. Do you have a compulsion to "stir things up" and do you anticipate consequences--or do you relish the reactions and look forward to them? Did your husband anticipate the reaction to that essay? Did you talk to your kids about it in advance? Do you wonder--if they haven't yet--what they might think if they ever read that essay? Though I understand a person's FEELING that way, I'm not sure I get why someone would need to record that particular feeling for millions, including one's kids, to read.

I can't wait to read Red Hook Road. I am a big fan of your Mommy Track mysteries. The first one I read was incredible. I laughed and cried and wondered how on Earth you were reading my mind. Thank you for telling me I wasn't the only one who felt that way. Also, continue to stir it up. I completely understand loving your husband more than your children. Thank you for recording that thought, so that, again, I know there are other people who feel the same way. I love reading your comments and thoughts. I love your honesty.

Thanks so much, Janet! I wrote the Mommy Track mysteries mostly so I could find other moms who felt like I did. I knew you were out there!!

Hey Reid,
Thanks for writing! I actually write about that a lot in Bad Mother -- why I wrote the essay, how my kids reacted. In a nutshell, I wrote it for a literary anthology that probably sold, at best, a few thousand copies. It never occurred to me when writing it that it would have a wider audience. Then the NY Times picked it up, and I was mostly so excited about being in the New York Times (my paper of record!) that I never bothered to consider the ramifications of, oh, I don't know, FIVE MILLION people reading my deepest darkest secrets. Stupid, I know.

And then, well, Oprah. I mostly went on Oprah to sell books...my kids are money pits and I need to support their addictions to Honey Nut Cheerios. And I also knew Oprah agreed with me and would provide a "friendly" forum. Er...not quite what happened. Though she did, in the end, manage to turn the crowd in my favor.

But in all honesty, I think I've been part of a change in the culture -- small as it is. I think it's no longer quite as fashionable to prioritize your children above ALL else, including marriage, community, work. I think I've helped to provide a voice in favor of balance, and I'm proud of that.

My kids are pretty secure. They know they're loved (too much, according to the teenagers!) and it provides them with a huge sense of security that they come from a happy home.

Hi there,

Just wondering about your impressions of your own writing after you've finished writing something. Do you wait a little bit and then go reread it or do you set it and forget it? Do you ever go back and reread something that you've written and ever think why did I do that? or what was I thinking? I'm finding it hard to reread anything I wrote without wanting to tear it to shreds and start over. What tips do you have for letting go after the pen is down?

Well, that depends Immod...I rewrite and rewrite and rewrite until the book is handed in and final copy editing is finished. Then I try NEVER to look at it again, or I will tear my hair out. When I do readings I often make little edits in the book....not edits I'll ever pass on for later drafts, just things I wish I'd done differently.

Wow, thanks for answering so fast - I was reading through some of the other discussions on the thread.
How do you get to the point where you can let it go and turn it over? I have such a hard time letting anyone read something I wrote because I always feel that it could be better. I know it's much different when you give it in to experienced editors and then it's going to a huge audience, but I write stuff and then save it to my hard drive because I don't want anyone to see it...

Do you write in spurts or set specific times. I have tried to schedule it each morning before I start getting ready for work, but that feels forced and I have a hard time getting anything out. Sometimes I write for a few hours and get every jumbled thought down and then can't do it again for days or a week.

Sorry for rambling on like a Yenta...

I am a fan of the rigid schedule. In fact, I have to go to bed NOW so I can be up by 8 to write for 3 hours.

I guess I could try it again and see if it becomes more comfortable after a few days...It's summer - at least sleep in past nine...

Thanks for chatting with me - this is very cool. It's motivating to hear from the people behind the page and hear about what goes into their work.

Have a great night - until we chat again!
Cheers!

Hi Ayelet,
Thanks so much for your gracious reply--I haven't reached that part of the collection yet and I appreciate your answer. I am grateful for a change in the cult(ure) of motherhood in time for me to benefit from less unopposed lactation guilt, working-mother guilt and all manner of other guilt imposed on mothers.

I look forward to your next novel, and I enjoy keeping up with your own reading on your website. Actually, that's another question: How do you manage to read so many novels (especially ones you admire) while you yourself are writing at the same time? Do you ever find yourself unconsciously imitating someone else's writing?

Thanks again for the chance to "hear" your voice.

Ayelet wrote: "OK, well, if you won't ask ME questions, then I'll ask you questions!!!
There is a point in the novel where Iris ponders the love she feels for her two daughters, and thinks to herself that though ..."

My parents always said that though they loved us equally, they did not love us the same. I thought they were just saying that to make us all feel better.

I am now the parent of three; I understand clearly what they meant.

The wise parent keeps any preferences buried in order to spare the feelings of the other child(ren).

Ayelet wrote: "Erin,
The easy answer is that Michael and I lost a pregnancy in the 2nd trimester (though "lost" is such a cowardly way of putting it. We terminated. We had an abortion.) and that experience so utt..."

Maybe it's because each one of us has a story to tell. We keep telling it, albeit in different guises.

I am a rabbi and my colleagues and I often talk about our "one sermon." You know, the one sermon that we continue to give in different ways.

Reid -- I am adamant about reading while I write. I have one rule -- I only read writers who are better than I am. That way when I imitate it's to my advantage! I think writers who are afraid to read are WAY too precious about their prose. I'll put it this way -- the only published writer I've ever heard say that wrote unmitigated schlock. We were on a panel together and my reply was, "Well, I don't know about you,but I think if a little Jane Austen gets into my work, it can only improve it."

Funny, Sarah! One sermon. Like one book! Some of my favorite authors just keep writing the same book over and over again. Calling Mr. Roth...

Ayelet, sorry I left the group last night...got a little confused about how it worked & I have the worst memory for details about a book I've read, even if I LOVED it...I usually have to think about it for a while before I can come up with meaningful questions. Based on my reaction to Red Hook Road, I would read ANYTHING you write in the future. I just read your description of the novel you're working on...it sounds fascinating to me: "My next novel is about the Hungarian Gold Train which you can read about here. But it's about so much more than that. It's about love, and suffragettes, and what it was like to be Jewish in the American army in the 1940s, and about the Holocaust, and about Israel, and heroism, and love (oh, I said that), and early psychoanalysis, and love. And love again."

So here's my question about one of your tweets I think I read a few months ago in which you seemed remorseful for starting the research and writing of this book. You questioned why you were writing the book and whether anyone would want to read it. Was it a bad day for you or is this a common occurrence for writers when they reach a particular stage in the writing of a book? And have you regained your confidence about the value of this writing project? You are a gifted writer who has all it takes to write beautiful, quality, relevant, literary fiction...of course what the fuck do I know???

Jackie...that breaks my heart...I have this fond wish that my kids will each think I love them best, but I fear it's probably the opposite.

Mimi -- I usually hit a wall in the middle of a book. The beginning was so long ago, and the end is so far away. It feels like you've always been writing the book and you'll always be writing the book. Thank god that period passes...

So sorry I've been absent today...had a little craziness. Michael and I were making a big dinner for friends, and somehow we ended up stuck in the hell of red rice. Has anyone cooked red rice? I swear it's been boiling for 90 minutes and it still feels like it's raw!

What is the best book you've read recently? The worst?

I just wanted to thank you for your writing. I haven't read Red Hook yet, but will. Loved The Bad Mother...it was so real and honest. Being a mother is the best and worst job in the world and I love it, most of the time.
My opinion on whether you love one child more than the other hinges on situations. One of my daughters is so easy to get along with and the other is so prickly. I do love them both, but very differently. I am so close to the one who is easy to approach and the prickly one doesn't know me well and of course, I don't know her well either...she is 23 now...but I do get to see her and hang out and I hope some day we will be closer. Thanks again for your honesty, it is so refreshing.

Can't help you out with your dinner dilemma. I'm a white rice gal. Love my rice cooker from Target.
I'm stumped for a question, but I did want to tell you that I actually LEARN from your books. I remember the one "Mommy Track" about the anorexic girls and the website where they encourage one another to LOSE MORE WEIGHT! That was horrifying! I had no idea such a thing existed.
I read "Red Hook Road" last July, so I'm afraid that I've forgotten character names, but I was very taken with the little adopted girl and how she so desperately wanted to bond with other children "like her." I found that fascinating. I always assumed that if children were adopted into loving homes and had friends, they would be fine. I never gave a thought to their longing to visit with others of their own race.
So thanks, girl, for opening my eyes. I've read all your books - looking forward to the next one. Can't wait to see what you have to "teach" me next.
Ps - I'm a Bad Mother too.