The Humour Club discussion

Ah, if we're starting with redneck jokes...

How do you know when you're staying in a Mississippi hotel?
--When you call the front desk and say "I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."

Yal remember to shake it twice !

Ah, the urinal dance. Also known as "stand closer - it's not quite as big as you think."

http://engrishfunny.failblog.org/2011...

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in
awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling Out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and
see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?"


"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to
the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and
pee
through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used
to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.

Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I
stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge
clippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I
surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off
it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"



"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

A prostitute is stood by the road in the red light district when an Audi rolls up, and the window rolls down. She wanders over and lazily leans against the rolled down window top, one arm hanging limply into the car, when she realises that the man inside the car is a midget. She gives a start, and the man instantly tries to mollify her "don't worry" He says,"I'm as well endowed as any other man". She looks doubtful, so he offers her an extra £50 to come with him. Well, she can't turn down extra cash, and so she climbs into the car. They go to a hotel.

In the hotel room, she strips down, and turns round in time to see the midget attaching coils to his knees, with one already attached to each elbow. Again she starts "freaky shit costs extra!". He agrees, and they get down to it.

She has the best sex she's ever ad in her life, never before has it felt this way, and afterwards, glowing with a sheen of sweat in the post coital buzz, she turns to the midget and exclaims "that was amazing, how? How did you do that?"

As he detaches the coils, he says "oh, its an age old method used among midgets, its call Four Sprung Dwarf Technique"

A grandad is walking round the supermarket with his grandson who is having a tantrum, throwing things and screaming. Grandad is trying to keep shopping and says 'Don't worry William you'll be home soon'. Grandson is still yelling and screaming and shouting for sweets right to the checkout with grandad calmly saying 'Don't worry william you'll be home soon'.
As they get to the car and grandad is packing in the shopping, a lady comes up to grandad and says 'You were very good with the lad in there, I could hear you all round the supermarket talking to the him'

'Thanks' says grandad, 'but I think you got it wrong Mrs, I'm William, this is bloody Kevin'.

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I'll know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff,
"OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Ian that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says,
"This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,

"Who the f*#k's that on the balcony with Dave?"

Snerk!

I was down the gym this morning when I noticed a hole in my trainer just big enough to get my finger in. Anyway, she's now made a formal complaint and I'm barred for life.

I wondered why you liked hanging out at the gym so much.

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days. "Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?" "Yup, we sure are," Roy replied. "Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked. The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her."

Hehehe - are there any states left whose citizens we have not yet offended?

Warning, the following jokes are bad, the only reason I thought of them was because I was winding my other half up with them last night:

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because the parrots et em all...

Why don't you get much gambling on the savannah?
Because there are too many cheetahs...

Why are elephants big, grey and wrinkly?
Because if they were small, white and smooth, they'd be aspirin.

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, hehehehe

__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Hazel wrote: "These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, hehehehe

__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever..."

lol nice ... especially like the ones abt the hippo race and the koalas ... this is one smart ass travel consultant

ok here r some nice one line responses guaranteed to shut anyone up:

You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.

Now we know why some animals eat their own children.

Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.

Talk is cheap, but that's ok, so are you.

Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.

I can tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.

and my favorite

I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.

Good smarmy answers to stupid questions! Kudos to you, Australian tourist bureau!

I agree, Shanawaz. That last one is priceless.

My dad was a joke collector - he was never without a pen and notepad to jot down any goodies he heard on his travels. He wrote many articles about jokes and folklore and his work was frequently cited in books.

When he got a new book on the subject, he would always turn first to the sources and bibliography to see if his name was included.

I kept up this tradition after his death in 1991. Imagine my surprise when I picked up Unriddling: All Sorts of Riddles to Puzzle Your Guessery at a book sale, and saw listed not my father's name, but my own!

At age 4, I am credited, in print, with the following riddle/joke: What has four legs and goes "Oom! Oom!"?
A cow walking backward.

Hey - I was a mere tot...what do you expect? How many of your jokes have you had published?

Geez...tough crowd!

I've never had, well, anything published. BUt I do recall the first joke my sister made up, when she was about 3:

How do you make a snooker table laugh?
Put your hand in its pockets and tickle its balls

LOL!!! She sounds like my kind of kid!

Hazel wrote: "I've never had, well, anything published. BUt I do recall the first joke my sister made up, when she was about 3:

How do you make a snooker table laugh?
Put your hand in its pockets and tickle ..."

Good God did ur sister grow up watching chris rock :)

I don't think the joke would have been that clean if she'd grown up watching chris rock :P She was the youngest of 3, and my elder brother wasn't the sort to not say naughty words when he was a preteen.

ok this is just pure evil:


When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it...

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said,
'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!'
And hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled 'NO!' And slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!'
And hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said, 'Yes, it is.'

I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. , in Fairfax
It's a yellow ranch style house And the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?'

He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called asshole #1.

He said, 'Hello'

I said, 'You're an asshole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah!'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me'

I said, 'Make me.'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd., in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.

He said, 'Hello?'

I said, 'Hello, asshole,'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass'

I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .

I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

Take a look at these autocorrects, the second one made me laugh so hard I cried

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1eTxqL/...

Juts had a giggle, my sister posted this status in facebook:

If you don't try people don't try for you. If you're not nice, people won't be nice back. Of you don't look after yourself no one will look after you. If you don't respect yourself no one will respect you.

and within seconds, one of her friends came back with:

im a wanker, will u wank me off?

:D

Good one, Kyle!

Hazel, is this the sister who made up the "snooker balls" joke?

Melki wrote: "Good one, Kyle!

Hazel, is this the sister who made up the "snooker balls" joke?"

yes :D

Here's one for you:

There was a man named skinner
who took his girl out to dinner
after dinner it was in her
the dinner not skinner
skinner was in her before dinner

There was a man from Carstair
who was s making love to his girl on the stair
in the middle of a stroke
the bannister broke
and he finished her off in mid air

Oooo - looks like we got us a good old-fashioned "limerick-a-palooza"!

I'm lovin' this guys. Keep up the good work.

A slightly more in your face one....

The once was a man from Nantucket
Who's dick was so long he could suck it
and he said with a grin,
as he wiped of his chin
if my ear were a cunt I would fuck it

My dad once told me the first line of a limerick -

There once was a hermit named Dave

But he would never tell me the rest of it. Now that I've Googled it, I understand why. It seems to fall under an interesting subcategory called "necrophilia limericks". You may either use your imagination on this one, or Google it yourself. You probably don't want to be eating when you do it.

There was a man from kent
who's dick was so long that it bent
to save himself trouble
he put it in double
instead of coming he went

Melki wrote: "My dad once told me the first line of a limerick -

There once was a hermit named Dave

But he would never tell me the rest of it. Now that I've Googled it, I understand why. It seems to fal..."

ah, it reminds me of Voltaire:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcON9Z...

>
>
A foolish young couple named Kelly
Were forced to live belly to belly
Because in their haste
They used library paste
Instead of petroleum jelly

>
>
The young woman her hair golden locked;
Her sailor, his ship had just docked.
They started to sin;
He got part-way in.
But the poor girl she went off, half-cocked.

(This is an original, copyright J. Reece circa 1985. Please attribute if you republish)

>
>
Once Titian while mixing Rose Madder
Spied his model atop of a ladder
Her position, to Titian,
Suggested coition,
So he climbed up the ladder and had 'er.

>
>
I sat next to the Duchess at tea.
It was just as I feared it would be.
Her rumblings abdominal
Were simply phenomenal,
And everyone thought it was me.

There once was a priest: Fr Noyes
Whose life was filled with such joys
he found his true love
in the lord up above
and inside the pants of young boys

That one may send me to hell, but hey, it would be poetic justice...

budum tisch :P

>
>
There once was a plumber from Leigh
Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
She said, "Stop your plumbing,
"I hear someone coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me!"

>
>
A young woman from South Carolina
Placed fiddle strings 'crost her vagina.
With the proper sized cocks
What was sex became Bach's
Toccata and Fugue In D Minor.

The was a young girl called louise
who's pubes hung down to her knees
so the crabs in her twat
tied her hair in a plait
and constructed a flying trapeze

>
>
There was a young woman whom triplets begat;
She named them, successively, Tom, Ted, and Tat.
The breeding was fine,
But come feeding time,
She found there was no tit for Tat.

>
>
A clever young fellow of Kent;
His cock was so long that it bent.
To save himself trouble,
He put it in double,
And instead of coming -- he went.

>
>
A fellow who hailed from Madras
Had balls that were made out of brass.
He banged them together;
They played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning shot out of his ass.

>
>
There was a sweet girl of Decatur
Who went to sea on a freighter.
She was screwed by the master
-An utter disaster-
But the crew all made up for it later.

Welcome John. Thank you for raising the intellectual level of the group.

Melki wrote: "Welcome John. Thank you for raising the intellectual level of the group."

Melki darling -- thanks for the well-appreciated but very under-deserved compliment. How could I possibly hope to raise the intellectual level of a group to which you already belong?

Hazel wrote: "The was a young girl called louise
who's pubes hung down to her knees
so the crabs in her twat
tied her hair in a plait
and constructed a flying trapeze"

Hazel, I'm sorry but this one just doesn't scan well, at least in American English. Perhaps we have a significant difference in our pronunciation of "twat" and/or "plait" In my experience, "knot" is a much better rhyme for "twat" while "plait" has two equally valid pronunciations, one of which rhymes with "flat" and the other with "plate"

Hence, for the American palate at least, I submit:

There was a young girl called Louise
Whose pubes hung well down past her knees.
The crabs in her twat
Tied a fanciful knot
And constructed a flying trapeze.