The Humour Club discussion

I believe someone suggested a rant post, so here it is! Rant away!

You listen to me, Todd Rundgren!

I'm still really, really mad at you for writing the line -

"They may be stupid but they sure are fun"

about the female sex in your song "We Gotta Get You A Woman".

*puts head above the parapet*

Who's Todd Rundgren?"

*ducks*

Oh, Hazel...you are so damned...YOUNG!!!

not so damned young that I can't use that line on other people...

Isn't it true?

*turns and sprints*

I think I got a reply to my 'rant' letter to the Prime Minister? A letter from the tax man saying I've been reassessed and owe them some money?!

That's what you get for being a concerned citizen.

Ya, when I mentioned higher taxes, I meant for the rich...that should go without saying?!

Can I rant about Kindle? How I can't borrow ebooks from my library and use them on my Kindle. "Kindle does not support that encryption technology" or some techie talk. Looks like you Kindle only supports Kindle books? From Amazon?

Rant #2

Put on some real clothes, even if it's the Dollar store late at night...oh, and there are no parking signs in front of the door for a reason.

So, last night I run out to the dollar store. I really hate the dollar store and the clientelle (which sounds a bit hypocritical in this case). It's late so the parking lot is almost empty. This beater car in front of me pulls onto the curb and stops right in front of the dollar store door (also in front of the 'no parking' sign). Then this rather large man gets out and he is wearing his pajamas!? WTF?! It was windy too, so his shirt was flapping up...ew. I think he took one last puff of his smoke, threw it down, opened the door and exhaled. Then went on a mad search through the store for something. I noticed him later asking the clerk if they had 'the old kind' of something.

Who does that?!

Well, what do you expect? That's the dollar store for ya. And, don't get me started about Wal-mark!

Rant: The two bag limit on our garbage!

Ok, so partly my fault...last week I forgot to put the garbage out. Whoops. Anyway, this week I had double the amount plus some since we had a couple of birthday parties. The damn city has enacted this two bag per week limit, which is usually not a problem. But, this week I had five bags (which I realize is just terrible).
I'm sneaky, so I took my five bags and distributed them up and down the block...which in my case is really easy b/c I live in town houses. I threw a bag at the end of either neighbors driveway (which won't bother them, b/c they are old single guys who rarely put out garbage to begin with).
I put two bags and my bin at then end of my driveway, hoping the garbage/sanitation worker (very, pc of me eh?) would take all three...what? I didn't put any out last week, I'm sure he'll remember that?

Nope - the *(#&@ only took two bags and left my giant pail!

Why can't the world revolve around me?!

Sorry, Bookworm. The world revolves around my mother-in-law. At least she thinks so, anyway.

Yesterday, my son got a Happy Meal. Yes, I know I'm a horrible mother for letting him eat that crap! If you think you can do a better job, I'll happily send him to you...

Anyway, he was accidentally given a girl toy. Luckily, he's too old to pitch a fit over something like that, and he handed the toy to me. It's a Barbie toy, and apparently one of the new, enlightened "We Girls Can Do Anything" Barbie toys, as opposed to the old "Math Is Hard" Barbie toys. This one features a house-shaped box. Inside are two cards, one of which proclaims, "I can be...Architect". Also on the cards are two pictures of interior rooms. The set also contains a little cardboard Barbie, and a whole slew of excessively pink, little cardboard furniture to arrange in the rooms.

WRONG! YOU MORONS! This Barbie is not an ARCHITECT! She is a DECORATOR! And even though I thought that math was kind of hard, I can tell the difference!

It's bad enough that LEGO's new "girl" toys feature a beauty parlor, a boutique, a cafe, and a dog-grooming salon - all traditional "female" occupations, and all in nauseating shades of pink and lavender.

Is this really what little girls WANT to play with?

I know several of our members have daughters. What do you think about this? Do you try to resist the "pink princess" thing, or just let it run its course, and hope they grow out of it?

My daughter likes dressing up as a princess and a fairy, but she also likes being a dragon, a superhero and a pirate too, so I don't worry too much about it. We've done our best to avoid the hideous pink mess that seems to be girls toys and clothes, and actually found some good girls clothes in all sorts of colours, including *shock* blue.

Interestingly, my little girl is the one with the doctors station toy and tool kit, while her male cousin has a kitchen toy and a trolley....

You Americans. Your not very good at ranting are you!!
Only can moan about rubbish and Barbie dolls

Well never one to hide from facts
American football
How can you have a sport that
1, wear MORE cloths than you normally would
2, change the WHOLE team every time your opponent gets the ball
3, organise the rules around the TV adverts
When you rant back. Will think of loads more. Even though I don't know the rules

Please feel free to suggest any subject for lesson in moaning and ranting
Just picked American football as Superbowl soon. One believes

Sigh! And to think I invited him here.

Funny you should mention the 'girl' barbie.

My son got some 'real' lego for his b-day and loves it. My daughter loves it too, but, she plays with it 'like a girl'...she turns cannonballs into cups and makes a little restaurant where she serves up all kinds of things. Even the killer swords are used to cut bread instead of slaying enemies!
She even plays along with my son, getting him to make a vehicle to deliver her food.
So, to our surprise we noticed 'girl' lego yesterday. She wanted to café...so, we got her a little serving cart thingy (with some cake and drinks).
I've tried to get away from stereotypical girl/boy toys but it doesn't work!


Oh, and I'm shocked at the Happy meal Melki!
Fine, we went the McDonald's the other day when our power was out - but, in my defense my three year old didn't know the name of the restaurant, since we do not go there very much. However, once he heard the name he kept calling it 'e i e i o'...like that song 'Old mcdonald's farm'?

Snerk! My youngest can sing the McDonald's jingle in his sleep - "Da da da da da - I'm lovin' it!"

Perhaps he'd be better off with you. There - I've now offered to send you both my kids. They're good boys. They can babysit your tykes, and you and the wife can go out on the town. Sounds good, huh?

When do you want 'em?

Hmm...I fear they may teach my children the evils of commercialization through jingles. I'll have to check my calendar and get back to you.

Was this your McDonald's experience Melki?
http://www.npr.org/blogs/thesalt/2012...

I wonder if they serve McEscargot?

Update on my garbage situation: I managed to throw out a couple of those extra bags I had (now ripped open by vermin) with the neighbours'. I'm back to 'normal' now. Rant over.

Thanks for the update, BW. I was lying awake nights worrying about your garbage.
Tonight - I shall sleep the sleep of the unconcerned.

Melki, you'll also be happy to know I heard back from the Prime Minister on one of my letters. I sent an somewhat sarcastic letter explaining that I believe the wealth gap has gotten too far out of hand. I told him that he should consider a luxury tax on BMWs...he claims he will take that into consideration. Yay, mark one more point for us 99%!

Oh, and his letter said I should join his facebook group too?

I love Good 'n Plenty. But there's hardly plenty in there, although it is pretty good. So maybe that's okay. NO, it isn't okay. I paid good money for it, even if it was Canadian. I want good AND plenty.
Bastards.

Splinker wrote: "I love Good 'n Plenty. But there's hardly plenty in there, although it is pretty good. So maybe that's okay. NO, it isn't okay. I paid good money for it, even if it was Canadian. I want good..."

You should write the prime minister.

Bookworm wrote: "Splinker wrote: "I love Good 'n Plenty. But there's hardly plenty in there, although it is pretty good. So maybe that's okay. NO, it isn't okay. I paid good money for it, even if it was Canadi..."

He knows where i stand.

I don't expect everyone I know to buy my book, but why the hell isn't everyone I know buying my book?

You could try wrapping it around boxes of Girl Scout cookies. People seem to buy plenty of those.

You should try e-bay, people sell all sorts of things on there!
Not used cloth diapers though, they were banned from the site 5 years ago...considered unsanitary?! WTF!?

Used diaper trafficking?
Seems like more of a vending machine kind of thing.

It's now a black market thing. BTW if you know of anyone interested send them my way.

Melki wrote: "You could try wrapping it around boxes of Girl Scout cookies. People seem to buy plenty of those."
i have a court order prohibiting me from bothering the girl scouts.

When did I wake up in a nation who's very existence is threatened by the possibility of health insurance covering condoms? I don't hear Newt Gingrich complaining about his his viagra prescription being covered.

Going out for dinner with your family and spending the entire time checking your iphone/blackberry/smartmobliethingy.

We were out for dinner on Wed night and I looked around and couldn't believe the amount of people sitting their checking their phone completely ignoring their date/family/food...crazy.
Some tables it was a parent(s) completely absorbed in their phone ignoring their food-fighting kids.
Some tables it was a couple...who were on a date? But, checking in with the outside world/other significant others?!

What would Emily Post say? WWEPS!! (I got that bumper sticker on the van)

I'm a cyclist, risking my life daily on the mean streets of London. It's hard enough out there without having to dodge morons who are too engrossed in their telephone conversations or the music blaring out of their iPods to worry about trivia like not getting killed. They seem happy to pass that burden on to me. Shouting at them - as I am wont to do, often with a peppering of choice, Anglo-Saxon expletives - is, of course, an exercise in absolute futility; they can't hear me, can they? So I think it's time to start knocking a few of these idiots over. I mean, that'd learn 'em, wouldn't it? A cracked elbow here, a bruised hip there. Give them pause for thought at the very least. So I just need to develop some techniques for taking them out without doing harm to myself. All suggestions welcome.

I had to read that twice. I thought you meant the idiots in their cars were on the phone and knocking you off your bike. I was going to suggest a can of fluorescent orange spray paint. I suppose that would work as well with pedestrians, but a sword cane could also get your point across.

I was going to suggest adding blades to the bike wheels, like roman chariots ala Ben Hur...

Sword cane - nice, very nice, if slightly awkward. Bike wheel blades - genius, wouldnt even have to slow down. Keep 'em coming.

just carry a bag of caltrops?

Wow! Now we're talking! That'll take out a tank, never mind a pedestrian.

Wake up in the morning feeling (not like P. Diddy, thank God), but just sort of... calm, y'know. A few minutes later, breakfast's coming together, lunch is packed away... and then you hear it: someone coming out of her room... the wild morning giggler, in her natural habitat. Confronting a female Vlad Dracul, armed with only a 'humorous comment' and a mocking smile, with perhaps a "You're not very talkative in the mornings, are you?" a few words into the conversation. I gauge the distance to my door or the front door. Not going to make it. And here she is! In all her "I'm just teasing you!" glory.

Well, har de har har, madam. If I'm smiling, it's only because I'm imagining upending my cereal bowl over your head.

Simon wrote: "I'm a cyclist, risking my life daily on the mean streets of London. It's hard enough out there without having to dodge morons who are too engrossed in their telephone conversations or the music bla..."

I would recommend getting a very loud foghorn style horn for your bike. I'm a cyclist and have the same problem (although probably not on the same scale since I live in Cardiff) and found that a long loud blast from such a horn really makes them jump, which is hysterical, and makes the point that they're on the verge of injury and death if they keep on!

Sam wrote: "Simon wrote: "I'm a cyclist, risking my life daily on the mean streets of London. It's hard enough out there without having to dodge morons who are too engrossed in their telephone conversations or..."

Hi Sam. Londoners just seem to be immune to noise, however loud. I used to have an electronic gadget that blared at about 1000 decibels when people got in my way, but they barely looked up. Hence, it's time to start clipping them, I think. A gash or two might remind them that roads are dangerous places!

Simon wrote: "Sam wrote: "Simon wrote: "I'm a cyclist, risking my life daily on the mean streets of London. It's hard enough out there without having to dodge morons who are too engrossed in their telephone conv..."

In that case maybe you should attach spikes to your wheels like those on the chariots in Gladiator and slice people as you go, that'll get their attention...at least I hope it would!

Sam wrote: "Simon wrote: "Sam wrote: "Simon wrote: "I'm a cyclist, risking my life daily on the mean streets of London. It's hard enough out there without having to dodge morons who are too engrossed in their ..."

I'll definitely try that. Should I mention to the police that you suggested it?

Simon wrote: "I'm a cyclist, risking my life daily on the mean streets of London. It's hard enough out there without having to dodge morons who are too engrossed in their telephone conversations or the music bla..."

Can I mention that I'm a pedestrian in London who has on more than one occasion been nearly knocked down by a cyclist going through red lights at a pedestrian crossing? And I don't have a phone or music player! Admittedly, the maniacs who drive black cabs are out to get me, too...

I never go through red lights (he lied).

So now we have the pecking order: pedestrian

L.T. wrote: "So now we have the pecking order: pedestrian

LOL brilliant!