Read It Forward discussion

We recently featured The Unfinished Work of Elizabeth D. by Nichole Bernier in one of our Read It First giveaways. Check out our post to read an excerpt of this bittersweet novel.

Before there were blogs, there were journals. And in them we’d write as we really were, not as we wanted to appear. But there comes a day when journals outlive us. And with them, our secrets.

We'll begin the chat with a few questions pulled from the glowing Washington Post review: "Why do we keep secrets from those we love most? Is it possible for mothers and fathers to have it all — work and family?"

It's such a cliche, having it all. Seems to me the question is how hard we try to appear as if we do, and as if we have everything under control. Those who are rat-racing the hardest to look like they do, often don't. And facades are lonely, aren't they?

Facades are lonely. I think this age of visual images via magazines, television, etc. sinks deep in our subconscious and pushes us to try to have it all. Even social media (the brightest, shiniest parts of our lives and others on Facebook) encourages this picture perfect life. Life, however, always pushes back and reminds us that we are human.

Like any sound bite, I think "having it all" is a media reduction of a complicated idea. Whether you work because you have to or because you want to — or whether you define work as doing what you have to do to make you who you are and stay sane (like writing, like music) — it's a matter of choices. What you give up, what you cut short, what you say "good enough" to. I'll never have a gorgeous spotless house or run a marathon or be PTA president. But writing was the non-negotiable thing. As one of my friends said, it's about attention outward. It's a hard thing to have to wrench yourself away from something very engrossing. And caring for a family (for both men and women) means just that, a lot of the time.

Nichole, we don't know how you do it all! Not that you "have it all," but still ... how do you make writing "the non-negotiable thing"?

Well, I started by giving up all my other hobbies and interests, anything that made me multidimensional.... I'm kidding, but not entirely. Having one thing you really want to do has a way of forcing you to triage the things you only sort-of want to do. Also, having a helpful, supportive partner is key. My husband let me steal away for small chunks of time on weekends, and I wouldn't have been able to do the complicated edits without that concentrated time. But there are things that slip through the cracks, the unmatched socks of the working life, and sometimes worse than unmatched socks. Missed events that make you feel like you're not having it all, not by a longshot, but having a lot, inadequately.

"the unmatched socks of the working life" - ha, love that!

Kathy Crowley | 1 comments I remember hearing or reading a quote on "having it all" years ago, and the gist of it was, You can have it all, but maybe not all at once. For example, early in my medical career, the demands of training and establishing myself as a physician forced writing to the back (way back, off the edge of the stove!) burner. Now, years and children later, I'm in a position where I can cut back on the medical work and focus on the writing.

I'm not a fan of the having it all cliche. I've done both,worked full time with babies,stay at home mom, and in both roles I missed things. I gained diff things from both too. Now I have two in college and work pt in a book store and reading is my passion after my family. Sometimes they feel left out as I bury my nose in a book,but they laugh as I tell them stories and chat with authors and book lovers. They still squeal when the mail brings me more books too. I think my kids, ages 14-19, appreciate what my passions give me now. This could be anything. I think we've found balance and while we aren't wealthy in some things we have so much. My family is very forgiving and I don't match socks Nichole!!! Oh and yes I loved THE UNFINISHED LIFE OF ELIZABETH D.

imho, it IS possible to "have it all", but at a great cost to your sleep schedule and hence, your sanity and health. (speaking from experience here)

so that actually makes me think twice about the premise here...is, indeed, this version of "having it all" really all there is to have? for me? no. if i had my druthers, i'd probably quit working full time and log in more mom hours. restoring my sanity, health, and sweet disposition. now THAT'S having it ALL.

this, from a single mom who averages 4 hours of sleep per night. zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....click, post.

I agree with Anita--and I've always in every season of my life so far, had "non negotiable" things and time that help keep me sane, from rest times, to exercise times, to reading and just thinking times. And Nichole's book really validated many of my ideas.

Actually, it turns out we do have it all. It was tucked away in our basement all these years. Who knew? Trouble is, it's buried under a lot of boxes of misspent youth, surrendered fantasies and half-finished goals. Also, there's a big old age leak underneath, so everything's getting a little soggy. But if y'all want to come help us dig it out, you can have some of it all. Or all of it all. Because, honestly, if we've gone all these years without even noticing we had it all, who needs it all? ;-)

I thought I had it all. And now I find out it's in Chris' basement?! But is Chris' all the same as my all? Maybe his all is better than my all. If someone else wanted it, it must be kind of valuable. Maybe I should get some of his all. Or all of his all. But he said it's soggy now and I like a little crunch in my all. Sigh. On second thought, guess I'll just stick with what I've got. :-)