Emily Drazen

“Operator: Clark County Nine One One. Caller: Somebody’s really drunk driving down Granton Road. Operator: Okay where on Graton Road? Caller: Uh, there’s only like six miles through Granton and Hillsville. Operator: Which way are they going? Caller: They are going uhm… Operator: Towards Granton or towards Hillsville? Caller: Towards Granton. Operator: Okay are you behind them or…? Caller: No, I am them. Operator: You am them? Caller: Yes, I am them. Operator: Okay, so you want to call and report that you’re driving drunk? Caller: Yes. Operator: Okay, what’s your name? Caller: Mary. Operator: Are you still driving right now? Caller: Yes. Operator: Do you wanna stop driving before you get into an accident? Caller: Yes, I will stop. Operator: Okay, you’re going to stop right now? Caller: Yep, I will stop right now. Okay, I’m stopping.”
― Dave Konig, You Called 9-1-1 For What?

“could tell. The disruption to the natural order of the universe. After another twenty seconds of awkward-as-walking-in-on-your-dad-shaving-naked-in-the-bathroom quiet, Rose set her crackers down, leaned back in her chair, and let out a sigh. “Okay,” she said. “I’m guessing you’re all new to this ‘girl at the table’ thing. How about this: I promise that I won’t bite or give you cooties or whatever else it is that you all are flipping out over. I won’t talk about my hair or blather on and on about celebrity heartthrobs or all the girls I hate, because, frankly, I’ve only been here for three hours, which isn’t quite enough time to hate anybody yet. I won’t discuss brands of moisturizers or lip gloss or use the word ‘crush’ in any kind of nondestructive capacity. And in return, you can stop looking at me like I’m some deranged lunatic. How does that sound?”
― John David Anderson, Posted

“To prove his point, Mr. Sword launched into a lecture on Elizabethan theater, which was actually pretty boring until he described how actors would fill animal bladders with sheep’s blood and keep them beneath their stage clothes so that they would explode in a gruesome display during fight scenes. Sometimes, he said, if you were one of the lucky ones sitting up front you’d get some of the blood on your clothes too. He called it the sixteenth-century splash zone.”
― John David Anderson, Posted

“the”
― Richard Benson, F in Exams: Even More of the Best Test Paper Blunders