Allison

“Modern appliances have lifespans rivaling luna moths. Why buy something today that will need to be replaced in a week? Call me old-fashioned, but I want a washer and dryer that at least have the longevity of a fruit fly.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“I read the newspaper a little at a time. I cut the paper up into tiny slivers, each about the size of a fortune cookie slogan, mix all the scraps together in a Fedora, and then pull them out at random one by one to read and get a better understanding of Naked Lunch.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“The key to being humorous is being wealthy. The richer you are, the funnier you are to women, and no matter what you say they'll be laughing and giggling.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you

“My motto is I aim to please. Especially when I'm peeing at a urinal in a Walmart bathroom and I accidentally splash piss on the guy's feet standing next to me.”
― Jarod Kintz, Whenever you're here, I'm there for you