Diane

“In search of relationship safety, our attachment system is primed to seek the answers to certain questions regarding our partners. Both consciously and unconsciously we are looking to know: If I turn towards you, will you be there for me? Will you receive and accept me instead of attack, criticize, dismiss or judge me? Will you comfort me? Will you respond in a way that calms my nervous system? Do I matter to you? Do I make a difference in your life? Can we lean into and rely on each other?”
― Jessica Fern, Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

“Research shows that it takes babies up to seven months for their attachment to their caregivers to become securely established, and for adults, a securely attached romantic relationship takes approximately two years to really solidify.60”
― Jessica Fern, Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

“Being in the same physical space does not necessarily mean that you are here and present with the people you are near. When you are with your partners, are you really focusing on them and giving your full attention, or are you distracted by your phone, by the stresses from the day, by your worries about the future or by your other partners? Are you really listening to your partners when they talk, or are you thinking about other things, only partially listening or mentally preparing for what you want to say next?”
― Jessica Fern, Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

“Physical proximity is extremely important and necessary for attachment, but it is not sufficient if the quality of presence is poor. Being present with your partner is important for people in any relationship structure, but struggling with presence and availability is a common complaint in nonmonogamous relationships since there are typically more people to attend to in any given day or week. One of the most common complaints that I hear is of situations where partners are spending quality time together and one partner is messaging with other people in ways that feel distracting and interruptive.”
― Jessica Fern, Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy