May Morrison

“I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't...Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same...so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself...”
― George Carlin

“Don't be afraid to be confused. Try to remain permanently confused. Anything is possible. Stay open, forever, so open it hurts, and then open up some more, until the day you die, world without end, amen.”
― George Saunders, The Braindead Megaphone

“How ya doin'?' I always think, What kind of a question is that?, and I always reply, 'A bit early to tell.”
― Christopher Hitchens, Love, Poverty, and War: Journeys and Essays

“If you're gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty.”
― Marilyn Monroe