Dave Kerr

“On Asking to Have the Candy Passed to Me During Schindler’s List “What do you want — the candy? They’re throwing people in the fucking gas chamber, and you want a Skittles?”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“On Being Afraid to Use the Elementary School Bathrooms to Defecate

“Son, you're complaining to the wrong man. I can shit anywhere, at any time. It's one of my finer qualities. Some might say my finest.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“There seem to be a lot of gay people there...Oh please, as if that's what I meant by that. Trust me, none of them would ever want to fuck you anyway. They're gay, not blind.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says