David Joseph

“This apotropaic talisman looks like something a goth teenaged girl would shoplift from a Hot Topic. A girl who dreams about one day meeting a hundred-year-old predator and making him fall in love with her. Remember, it’s not a crime if he’s handsome or rich or looks like a teenager. Anyway, this bracelet imbues the following effects: Protection against Vampirism. Protection against Lycanthropy.”
― Matt Dinniman, The Butcher's Masquerade

“Some things shouldn’t ever be purchased used. Like underwear and mattresses and jigsaw puzzles.”
― Matt Dinniman, The Butcher's Masquerade

“Do you know who Cousin Oliver is, Carl?” Donut demanded, watching the display. “Was he that one cat with the really weird eye?” “No, Carl. That was my sister-cousin, Ginger Snap, and we don’t talk about her. Cousin Oliver was from The Brady Bunch. This thing is like that. Cousin Oliver. Scrappy Doo. Guppy on iCarly. April on Gilmore Girls.” She spat out that last one. “All late series additions. All attempts to add something new and cute and exciting to a perfectly good cast that ended up making everything worse.”
― Matt Dinniman, This Inevitable Ruin

“They’d taken some sort of cosmic octopus creature and combined it with your average, suburban, anti-vax, let-me-talk-to-your-manager mom. At least that was my impression. The door on the outside of the room, this whole ridiculous storyline with the MLM moonshine certainly made it seem that way.”
― Matt Dinniman, Dungeon Crawler Carl