Erin Nelson

“We like to believe when something is over, it’s behind us. Finished. Done. A neat package we can tuck into our closet or toss with the trash. But everything we do, everyone we love, stays with us in one form or another. Feelings fade, yes, while experience changes us. And thank goodness. Experience is how we learn. It’s how we love better the next time. I’ve seen hundreds of clients amid a so-called breakup or divorce. Many mourn the end of a relationship years after the fact. Grief, pain, or general discomfort following the loss of love—even if you initiated its end—is inevitable. I’ve found if we can reframe this end point into something else, a gain, a path forward, we lessen our struggle. When we stop resisting, grief and pain become momentum propelling you into the next phase of your life. They signify not a closed door but a long hallway with many paths. When I ask my clients to swap the defeatist terminology of “breaking up” or “divorce” for “working through the end of our relationship,” at first, they almost always resist. “It’s so awkward,” they tell me. “Forced.” To which I reply, “Yes, and we know change is uncomfortable. Stay with it and see what comes. It’s an experiment, nothing more.” Soon, they might begin to talk of their “breakup,” catch themselves, and start again using new words. Instead of saying, “It’s so hard. I’m so miserable,” they say, “It hurts, but we’re continuing to work through it.” Aha! Now we can begin to focus not on the loss but what is gained. 48”
― Lauren Parvizi, La Vie, According to Rose