“I did not love you but I almost did. At one time, I might have loved you - at least, I felt I might have. If you were never loved by me, then nevertheless you were loveable to me. Last night I dreamt that your head lay on my stomach and traced the rise and fall of my breath. It felt completely normal - even though I knew once, we had left each other. Even though I knew we had wounded each other. In the dream state, forgiveness comes easily. I never loved you but I almost did. There are days when the breadth of ambiguity feels much worse. There are days I wish I would have loved you so I would know how to stop.”
―
―
“We were always going to say goodbye, weren’t we?”
“Yeah. I think so.”
“I loved you though. I loved you so much.”
A pause.
“I know. I know.
“I loved you too.”
―
“Yeah. I think so.”
“I loved you though. I loved you so much.”
A pause.
“I know. I know.
“I loved you too.”
―
“I am destroying myself so other people can’t," she said, "and it’s the worst kind of control but it’s the only form I know.”
―
―
Chandu’s 2024 Year in Books
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