Lizz Kaley

“So ask me if I am alright.
'I’m fine; I’m always fine.'
You see this look in my eyes.
'No, I’m fine. I am always fine.'
There is a corpse behind my smile.
'Listen, I am fine. Always, always fine as fine can be.'
'Are you okay?'
'I am more than okay. I am more than fine. I am wonderful!”
― Emma Rose Kraus, A Blue One

“Like a lot of people with mental illness, I spend a lot of time fronting. It’s really important to me to not appear crazy, to fit in, to seem normal, to do the things “normal people” do, to blend in.
As a defense mechanism, fronting makes a lot of sense, and you hone that mechanism after years of being crazy. Fronting is what allows you to hold down a job and maintain relationships with people, it’s the thing that sometimes keeps you from falling apart. It’s the thing that allows you to have a burst of tears in the shower or behind the front seat of your car and then coolly collect yourself and stroll into a social engagement…

We are rewarded for hiding ourselves. We become the poster children for “productive” mentally ill people, because we are so organized and together. The fact that we can function, at great cost to ourselves, is used to beat up the people who cannot function.

Because unlike the people who cannot front, or who fronted too hard and fell off the cliff, we are able to “keep it together,” whatever it takes.”
― S.E. Smith

“i do not want to have you
to fill the empty parts of me
i want to be full on my own

i want to feel so complete
i could light a whole city
and then
i want to have you
cause the two of
us combined
could set
it on fire”
― Rupi Kaur

“The doctor’s words made me understand what happened to me was a dark, evil, and shameful secret, and by association I too was dark, evil, and shameful. While it may not have been their intention, this was the message my clouded mind received. To escape the confines of the hospital, I once again disassociated myself from my emotions and numbed myself to the pain ravaging my body and mind. I acted as if nothing was wrong and went back to performing the necessary motions to get me from one day to the next. I existed but I did not live.”
― Alyssa Reyans, Letters from a Bipolar Mother