Dan Canizalez

“I won't put in a load of laundry, because the machine is too loud and would drown out other, more significant noises - namely, the shuffling footsteps of the living dead.”
― David Sedaris, Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim

“All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is said and done the police are right: it all comes down to fingerprints.”
― David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

“I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an occasional fool of itself.”
― David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty One Day

“If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt? I accepted the idea that an omniscient God had cast me in his own image and that he watched over me and guided me from one place to the next. The virgin birth, the resurrection, and the countless miracles -my heart expanded to encompass all the wonders and possibilities of the universe.

A bell, though, that's fucked up.”
― David Sedaris, Me Talk Pretty One Day