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Tvisha
https://www.goodreads.com/tvishashah
“The decisive Turning points and precipitating events that emerged for the women I studied or counseled fell into one of the following categories:
• The husband’s threats to his wife or children’s well-being have become increasingly severe (and may include death threats).
• There has been yet another episode of public humiliation.
• The husband’s abuses and infidelities—in some cases including having children with other women—have accumulated and worsened.
• There has been a violent incident requiring medical attention.
• The woman’s sense of support from her family, friends, or coworkers has increased.
• The woman’s reasons for staying have been satisfied, as when the last planned child has been born or the youngest child has left for or
graduated from college.
• The woman has an extramarital affair, which reminds her that she is desirable and that not all men are abusive.”
― Not To People Like Us: Hidden Abuse In Upscale Marriages
• The husband’s threats to his wife or children’s well-being have become increasingly severe (and may include death threats).
• There has been yet another episode of public humiliation.
• The husband’s abuses and infidelities—in some cases including having children with other women—have accumulated and worsened.
• There has been a violent incident requiring medical attention.
• The woman’s sense of support from her family, friends, or coworkers has increased.
• The woman’s reasons for staying have been satisfied, as when the last planned child has been born or the youngest child has left for or
graduated from college.
• The woman has an extramarital affair, which reminds her that she is desirable and that not all men are abusive.”
― Not To People Like Us: Hidden Abuse In Upscale Marriages
“Like Sally, all the women in my study reported that their husbands subjected them to emotional abuse. The most frequent types included:
• neglect
• extreme selfishness (including sexual selfishness)
• secretiveness as to his whereabouts
• rage attacks and criticism, especially about her abilities as a wife and mother
• bullying and controlling behavior
• public humiliation
• threats to her well-being
• destruction of her property or the family’s property (although a physical act, such destruction is meant as an emotional assault)
• shifting sands—the husband sends out conflicting and contradictory messages and changes his mood and emotional positions frequently and unpredictably, so that she has no clear idea of what is coming next or what she has done to evoke such behaviors
• extramarital affairs
• inducing fear, such as angrily driving at high speeds when she is in the car or making death threats”
― Not To People Like Us: Hidden Abuse In Upscale Marriages
• neglect
• extreme selfishness (including sexual selfishness)
• secretiveness as to his whereabouts
• rage attacks and criticism, especially about her abilities as a wife and mother
• bullying and controlling behavior
• public humiliation
• threats to her well-being
• destruction of her property or the family’s property (although a physical act, such destruction is meant as an emotional assault)
• shifting sands—the husband sends out conflicting and contradictory messages and changes his mood and emotional positions frequently and unpredictably, so that she has no clear idea of what is coming next or what she has done to evoke such behaviors
• extramarital affairs
• inducing fear, such as angrily driving at high speeds when she is in the car or making death threats”
― Not To People Like Us: Hidden Abuse In Upscale Marriages
“The narcissist, says Gunther,
• expects absolute control over the other’s behavior
• expects the other to respond perfectly
• has an utter incapacity for empathy with the other, the other’s behavior, or the other’s motives
• is unable to distinguish his own issue or problem from the other as a separate entity”
― Not To People Like Us: Hidden Abuse In Upscale Marriages
• expects absolute control over the other’s behavior
• expects the other to respond perfectly
• has an utter incapacity for empathy with the other, the other’s behavior, or the other’s motives
• is unable to distinguish his own issue or problem from the other as a separate entity”
― Not To People Like Us: Hidden Abuse In Upscale Marriages
“Girlhood was as ephemeral as a drop of water on a lily pad. Soon I'd have to leave all that I loved- parents, sister, palace, garden, the healing house- to take my place in another family, which I must then call mine.”
― The Forest of Enchantments
― The Forest of Enchantments
“Some of these strategies (many of which are similar to those adopted by abused women of all socioeconomic classes) are brought into play immediately after the first incident; others become most prominent toward the middle and later segments of the path:
• She denies what is happening, burying the reality deep below consciousness or distancing herself from it.
• She blames herself, buying into her husband’s claims that her behavior causes his violent rage.
• She calms herself by thinking that this is what marriage is about.
• She chooses to believe he won’t do it again (by her wish or by his words).
• She reminds herself of the solemnity of her marriage vows.
• She uses alcohol or drugs to soothe herself.
• She becomes very quiet, “plays possum”.
• She watches vigilantly, scanning to predict or anticipate the abusive behaviors.
• She does not discuss the abusive episode with her spouse.
• She explains away his bad behavior—for example, “his rage at me is a reflection of his worry about work”—a practice I call justification by explanation.
• She clings to the idealized view of how the marriage could be.
• She secretly strategizes her escape from the marriage.”
― Not To People Like Us: Hidden Abuse In Upscale Marriages
• She denies what is happening, burying the reality deep below consciousness or distancing herself from it.
• She blames herself, buying into her husband’s claims that her behavior causes his violent rage.
• She calms herself by thinking that this is what marriage is about.
• She chooses to believe he won’t do it again (by her wish or by his words).
• She reminds herself of the solemnity of her marriage vows.
• She uses alcohol or drugs to soothe herself.
• She becomes very quiet, “plays possum”.
• She watches vigilantly, scanning to predict or anticipate the abusive behaviors.
• She does not discuss the abusive episode with her spouse.
• She explains away his bad behavior—for example, “his rage at me is a reflection of his worry about work”—a practice I call justification by explanation.
• She clings to the idealized view of how the marriage could be.
• She secretly strategizes her escape from the marriage.”
― Not To People Like Us: Hidden Abuse In Upscale Marriages
Tvisha’s 2025 Year in Books
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