Tvisha

“Such behaviors, which can be viewed as various aspects of narcissistic entitlement, take any and all of the following forms:
• Demands that are not necessarily clear, discrete, or consistent about
how the wife should look or behave
• Enforcement of specific requirements as to meal preparation
• Expectations about and imposition of strict domestic roles, especially refusal to help out with childrearing
• Refusal to apologize, even after brutal attacks
• Blaming the wife for any household mishap, whatever the cause
• Creating shifting sands—unpredictable changes in expectations, conflicting and contradictory messages that throw the wife off balance
• Demeaning attacks on the wife’s femininity, sexuality, appearance, and maternal behavior
• Absence of the honeymoon phase after violent episodes or emotionally abusive tirades (or short-lived post-abuse honeymoons)
• Feeling of impunity regarding his behavior
• Interest only in his own sexual gratification and disregard for the wife’s needs, leading sometimes to multiple extramarital affairs, to
which he feels entitled
• Violent reactions to pregnancies; belief that the child is an interloper who threatens his power
• Using money and power as leverage or threat
• Isolating the wife from her friends and family
• Possessiveness and/or jealousy”
― Susan Weitzman, Not To People Like Us: Hidden Abuse In Upscale Marriages

“The decisive Turning points and precipitating events that emerged for the women I studied or counseled fell into one of the following categories:
• The husband’s threats to his wife or children’s well-being have become increasingly severe (and may include death threats).
• There has been yet another episode of public humiliation.
• The husband’s abuses and infidelities—in some cases including having children with other women—have accumulated and worsened.
• There has been a violent incident requiring medical attention.
• The woman’s sense of support from her family, friends, or coworkers has increased.
• The woman’s reasons for staying have been satisfied, as when the last planned child has been born or the youngest child has left for or
graduated from college.
• The woman has an extramarital affair, which reminds her that she is desirable and that not all men are abusive.”
― Susan Weitzman, Not To People Like Us: Hidden Abuse In Upscale Marriages

“These early warning signs included the following behaviors and circumstances on the part of the man:
• The man dominated the woman verbally, criticizing and belittling her, throwing her off balance or causing her to doubt her own worth and abilities.
• He made all plans, neither inquiring as to the woman’s desires nor gathering input from her.
• He alone set the sexual pace, initiating all contacts and rejecting any of the woman’s sexual approaches.
• He made most of the decisions about the future and announced them to the woman instead of including her in planning and decision-making. He refused to compromise on major decisions.
• He was moody, making it difficult for the woman to predict what the next encounter with him would be like. Allison, for instance, constantly wondered what she had done to cause Robert’s foul temper.
• He was chronically late without apology or remorse.
• He determined when the couple could discuss issues, if at all; he repeatedly justified this control by claiming that he “hated conflict.”
• He was hostile toward others as well as his future bride: unjustified rage, arrogance, controlling behavior, pouting and withdrawal of affection, and sudden coldness and rejection.
• His father was abusive to his mother.
• He demanded control over the woman’s contacts with friends and family and over finances.
• He publicly humiliated the woman. This sometimes began as put- down humor, but rather than apologizing when she protested, he urged her to “get a thicker skin” or “lighten up.”
• He slapped, pushed, or hit the woman.”
― Susan Weitzman, Not To People Like Us: Hidden Abuse In Upscale Marriages

“Some of these strategies (many of which are similar to those adopted by abused women of all socioeconomic classes) are brought into play immediately after the first incident; others become most prominent toward the middle and later segments of the path:
• She denies what is happening, burying the reality deep below consciousness or distancing herself from it.
• She blames herself, buying into her husband’s claims that her behavior causes his violent rage.
• She calms herself by thinking that this is what marriage is about.
• She chooses to believe he won’t do it again (by her wish or by his words).
• She reminds herself of the solemnity of her marriage vows.
• She uses alcohol or drugs to soothe herself.
• She becomes very quiet, “plays possum”.
• She watches vigilantly, scanning to predict or anticipate the abusive behaviors.
• She does not discuss the abusive episode with her spouse.
• She explains away his bad behavior—for example, “his rage at me is a reflection of his worry about work”—a practice I call justification by explanation.
• She clings to the idealized view of how the marriage could be.
• She secretly strategizes her escape from the marriage.”
― Susan Weitzman, Not To People Like Us: Hidden Abuse In Upscale Marriages