Tvisha

“Girlhood was as ephemeral as a drop of water on a lily pad. Soon I'd have to leave all that I loved- parents, sister, palace, garden, the healing house- to take my place in another family, which I must then call mine.”
― Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni, The Forest of Enchantments

“The narcissist, says Gunther,
• expects absolute control over the other’s behavior
• expects the other to respond perfectly
• has an utter incapacity for empathy with the other, the other’s behavior, or the other’s motives
• is unable to distinguish his own issue or problem from the other as a separate entity”
― Susan Weitzman, Not To People Like Us: Hidden Abuse In Upscale Marriages

“Such behaviors, which can be viewed as various aspects of narcissistic entitlement, take any and all of the following forms:
• Demands that are not necessarily clear, discrete, or consistent about
how the wife should look or behave
• Enforcement of specific requirements as to meal preparation
• Expectations about and imposition of strict domestic roles, especially refusal to help out with childrearing
• Refusal to apologize, even after brutal attacks
• Blaming the wife for any household mishap, whatever the cause
• Creating shifting sands—unpredictable changes in expectations, conflicting and contradictory messages that throw the wife off balance
• Demeaning attacks on the wife’s femininity, sexuality, appearance, and maternal behavior
• Absence of the honeymoon phase after violent episodes or emotionally abusive tirades (or short-lived post-abuse honeymoons)
• Feeling of impunity regarding his behavior
• Interest only in his own sexual gratification and disregard for the wife’s needs, leading sometimes to multiple extramarital affairs, to
which he feels entitled
• Violent reactions to pregnancies; belief that the child is an interloper who threatens his power
• Using money and power as leverage or threat
• Isolating the wife from her friends and family
• Possessiveness and/or jealousy”
― Susan Weitzman, Not To People Like Us: Hidden Abuse In Upscale Marriages

“Some of these strategies (many of which are similar to those adopted by abused women of all socioeconomic classes) are brought into play immediately after the first incident; others become most prominent toward the middle and later segments of the path:
• She denies what is happening, burying the reality deep below consciousness or distancing herself from it.
• She blames herself, buying into her husband’s claims that her behavior causes his violent rage.
• She calms herself by thinking that this is what marriage is about.
• She chooses to believe he won’t do it again (by her wish or by his words).
• She reminds herself of the solemnity of her marriage vows.
• She uses alcohol or drugs to soothe herself.
• She becomes very quiet, “plays possum”.
• She watches vigilantly, scanning to predict or anticipate the abusive behaviors.
• She does not discuss the abusive episode with her spouse.
• She explains away his bad behavior—for example, “his rage at me is a reflection of his worry about work”—a practice I call justification by explanation.
• She clings to the idealized view of how the marriage could be.
• She secretly strategizes her escape from the marriage.”
― Susan Weitzman, Not To People Like Us: Hidden Abuse In Upscale Marriages