Tvisha

“As the woman grows and changes, she and her therapist may move in and out of the following therapeutic stages.
• The woman recognizes there is a problem, overcomes her reluctance to seek help, and contacts a therapist.
• The therapist ascertains whether the woman is in imminent danger and discusses a safety plan.
• The therapist uses empathic understanding, acceptance, and mirroring to gain the woman’s trust and develop a therapeutic alliance.
• The woman learns the impact of her past, present, and future choices; she comes to understand how she has deceived herself and begins to reconstruct her narrative.
• The woman refocuses on herself, learns to trust her inner voice and perceptions, and reclaims her self.
• The woman mourns the relationship that was (even if she stays in the marriage).
• The woman learns to connect with others in a support network.”
― Susan Weitzman, Not To People Like Us: Hidden Abuse In Upscale Marriages

“Some of these strategies (many of which are similar to those adopted by abused women of all socioeconomic classes) are brought into play immediately after the first incident; others become most prominent toward the middle and later segments of the path:
• She denies what is happening, burying the reality deep below consciousness or distancing herself from it.
• She blames herself, buying into her husband’s claims that her behavior causes his violent rage.
• She calms herself by thinking that this is what marriage is about.
• She chooses to believe he won’t do it again (by her wish or by his words).
• She reminds herself of the solemnity of her marriage vows.
• She uses alcohol or drugs to soothe herself.
• She becomes very quiet, “plays possum”.
• She watches vigilantly, scanning to predict or anticipate the abusive behaviors.
• She does not discuss the abusive episode with her spouse.
• She explains away his bad behavior—for example, “his rage at me is a reflection of his worry about work”—a practice I call justification by explanation.
• She clings to the idealized view of how the marriage could be.
• She secretly strategizes her escape from the marriage.”
― Susan Weitzman, Not To People Like Us: Hidden Abuse In Upscale Marriages

“Such behaviors, which can be viewed as various aspects of narcissistic entitlement, take any and all of the following forms:
• Demands that are not necessarily clear, discrete, or consistent about
how the wife should look or behave
• Enforcement of specific requirements as to meal preparation
• Expectations about and imposition of strict domestic roles, especially refusal to help out with childrearing
• Refusal to apologize, even after brutal attacks
• Blaming the wife for any household mishap, whatever the cause
• Creating shifting sands—unpredictable changes in expectations, conflicting and contradictory messages that throw the wife off balance
• Demeaning attacks on the wife’s femininity, sexuality, appearance, and maternal behavior
• Absence of the honeymoon phase after violent episodes or emotionally abusive tirades (or short-lived post-abuse honeymoons)
• Feeling of impunity regarding his behavior
• Interest only in his own sexual gratification and disregard for the wife’s needs, leading sometimes to multiple extramarital affairs, to
which he feels entitled
• Violent reactions to pregnancies; belief that the child is an interloper who threatens his power
• Using money and power as leverage or threat
• Isolating the wife from her friends and family
• Possessiveness and/or jealousy”
― Susan Weitzman, Not To People Like Us: Hidden Abuse In Upscale Marriages

“Like Sally, all the women in my study reported that their husbands subjected them to emotional abuse. The most frequent types included:
• neglect
• extreme selfishness (including sexual selfishness)
• secretiveness as to his whereabouts
• rage attacks and criticism, especially about her abilities as a wife and mother
• bullying and controlling behavior
• public humiliation
• threats to her well-being
• destruction of her property or the family’s property (although a physical act, such destruction is meant as an emotional assault)
• shifting sands—the husband sends out conflicting and contradictory messages and changes his mood and emotional positions frequently and unpredictably, so that she has no clear idea of what is coming next or what she has done to evoke such behaviors
• extramarital affairs
• inducing fear, such as angrily driving at high speeds when she is in the car or making death threats”
― Susan Weitzman, Not To People Like Us: Hidden Abuse In Upscale Marriages