Chris Holmes

“I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.”
― Steven Wright

“I went down to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours. He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.”
― Steven Wright

“You can't have everything ... where would you put it?”
― Steven Wright

“My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”
― Steven Wright