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Tess
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Letting Go: A Story of Loss, Friendship, Betrayal, and the Search for Happiness, Love and Healing
by
It was amazing to her how few women were ever mentioned throughout history, let alone quoted, except for those who were condemned.
“Happiness," she says. "What is that, to Emmie Blue?"
"Wow," I say with a smile, "that's a... big question."
[...] "I suppose when I was younger, a few years ago, I would have said... a family. A normal, safe family life."
[...]
"You know," I say, "a home, with flowers in the window, a relationship with my mum where maybe she pops in for lunch now and then. Children, one day, maybe. Someone..." I swallow, words becoming increasingly difficult to say. "Someone to love. Someone to love me."
"Love," says Louise. "So you think love is happiness?"
I hesitate, laugh, nerves turning it into a high-pitched giggle. "I—don't know. Yes. Yes, I suppose it is. For me.”
― Dear Emmie Blue
"Wow," I say with a smile, "that's a... big question."
[...] "I suppose when I was younger, a few years ago, I would have said... a family. A normal, safe family life."
[...]
"You know," I say, "a home, with flowers in the window, a relationship with my mum where maybe she pops in for lunch now and then. Children, one day, maybe. Someone..." I swallow, words becoming increasingly difficult to say. "Someone to love. Someone to love me."
"Love," says Louise. "So you think love is happiness?"
I hesitate, laugh, nerves turning it into a high-pitched giggle. "I—don't know. Yes. Yes, I suppose it is. For me.”
― Dear Emmie Blue
“There was something a little creepy about sitting in this small pool of light in the middle of total darkness. It was so eerily quiet - just the crackling of the fire, the occasional lap of water from the lake, and -
A fucking wolf. That was a fucking wolf howl.
"What the fuck was that?" Ilya said. He couldn't conceal the terror in his voice. But who the fuck cared, because they were surrounded by hungry wolves!
Shane laughed. "It's a loon."
"A what?"
"A loon!" Shane was really laughing now. "It's a bird. Like a duck, kind of. Oh my god, you thought it was a wolf!"
"What the fuck bird makes a noise like that?"
"A loon!" Shane said again. Then he doubled over in hysterics. Ilya wanted to push him into the fire.
"Fuck you and your loon!" Ilya said. "Stupid Canadian wolf bird.”
― Heated Rivalry
A fucking wolf. That was a fucking wolf howl.
"What the fuck was that?" Ilya said. He couldn't conceal the terror in his voice. But who the fuck cared, because they were surrounded by hungry wolves!
Shane laughed. "It's a loon."
"A what?"
"A loon!" Shane was really laughing now. "It's a bird. Like a duck, kind of. Oh my god, you thought it was a wolf!"
"What the fuck bird makes a noise like that?"
"A loon!" Shane said again. Then he doubled over in hysterics. Ilya wanted to push him into the fire.
"Fuck you and your loon!" Ilya said. "Stupid Canadian wolf bird.”
― Heated Rivalry
“You think I'm mad, don't you?" I say. "Is this the part where you tell me I have my head up my arse for saying such a sugary, silly thing?"
"No," she says. lowering the mug to her lap. "Not even close, Emmie. Silly is something I would never use to describe you.”
― Dear Emmie Blue
"No," she says. lowering the mug to her lap. "Not even close, Emmie. Silly is something I would never use to describe you.”
― Dear Emmie Blue
“Um, and this is….Ilya. Rozanov. You probably know that.”
“Hi,” Ilya said.
“And he’s been…visiting. He’s…we’re, um…”
What were they, exactly? It occurred to Shane that he and Ilya hadn’t even figured out what label they were comfortable with.
“Lovers,” Ilya offered.
Fuck, way to choose the grossest possible word, Ilya.
Well, there was no going back from that word. Shane could only wait for the aftermath.
“But…you hate him,” Mom said.
“No, I…don’t. I mean. Sometimes I do, kinda. But mostly I..love him. Actually.”
“You..what?”
― Heated Rivalry
“Hi,” Ilya said.
“And he’s been…visiting. He’s…we’re, um…”
What were they, exactly? It occurred to Shane that he and Ilya hadn’t even figured out what label they were comfortable with.
“Lovers,” Ilya offered.
Fuck, way to choose the grossest possible word, Ilya.
Well, there was no going back from that word. Shane could only wait for the aftermath.
“But…you hate him,” Mom said.
“No, I…don’t. I mean. Sometimes I do, kinda. But mostly I..love him. Actually.”
“You..what?”
― Heated Rivalry
“And...like I said. We’re an hour away from each other. All year.”
He wanted Ilya to see this vision as clearly as he could. It seemed tantalizingly possible. Easy, even.
“And you’d be in Canada. And you could apply for citizenship eventually.”
“Yes. I understand that part.”
“And maybe...someday. When we both retire. We can...be together. For real.”
Ilya looked stunned by that part. “You really think that far ahead, Hollander?”
“I do about this.”
“You want that? To be together?”
“I do. So much it terrifies me.”
Ilya turned his face away from Shane, and was silent. Cold dread flooded Shane’s stomach; he had admitted too much."
“But Ilya turned back and quickly rolled on top of Shane and was kissing him and kissing him and kept murmuring the same thing in Russian over and over again until he pulled back and translated:
“I love you.”
Shane froze. And then Ilya froze.
“Holy shit,” Shane whispered. It wasn’t how he had meant to respond.
“I...” Ilya’s eyes were so wide and so scared.
“I love you too,” Shane said.
Ilya gave a shaky smile and exhaled. “Thank Christ.”
“Does it...does it feel like agony for you too?”
Ilya started to nod, then stopped. He shook his head slowly instead.
“Not anymore.”
― Heated Rivalry
He wanted Ilya to see this vision as clearly as he could. It seemed tantalizingly possible. Easy, even.
“And you’d be in Canada. And you could apply for citizenship eventually.”
“Yes. I understand that part.”
“And maybe...someday. When we both retire. We can...be together. For real.”
Ilya looked stunned by that part. “You really think that far ahead, Hollander?”
“I do about this.”
“You want that? To be together?”
“I do. So much it terrifies me.”
Ilya turned his face away from Shane, and was silent. Cold dread flooded Shane’s stomach; he had admitted too much."
“But Ilya turned back and quickly rolled on top of Shane and was kissing him and kissing him and kept murmuring the same thing in Russian over and over again until he pulled back and translated:
“I love you.”
Shane froze. And then Ilya froze.
“Holy shit,” Shane whispered. It wasn’t how he had meant to respond.
“I...” Ilya’s eyes were so wide and so scared.
“I love you too,” Shane said.
Ilya gave a shaky smile and exhaled. “Thank Christ.”
“Does it...does it feel like agony for you too?”
Ilya started to nod, then stopped. He shook his head slowly instead.
“Not anymore.”
― Heated Rivalry
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