Coji

“Research shows that it takes babies up to seven months for their attachment to their caregivers to become securely established, and for adults, a securely attached romantic relationship takes approximately two years to really solidify.60”
― Jessica Fern, Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

“He uses me for sex when he needs to. He presses me against a table or over the back of the bed and fucks me, silent until the last few moments, those few quick grunts, and then he releases me, he puts a palm on the small of my back, his one gesture of intimacy, and he says something that is supposed to make it seem like a game: “You’re so sexy, sometimes I can’t control myself.” But he says it in a dead voice. Quiz: Your husband, with whom you once shared a wonderful sex life, has turned distant and cold—he only wants sex his way, on his time. You: a) Withhold sex further—he’s not going to win this game! b) Cry and whine and demand answers he’s not yet ready to give, further alienating him. c) Have faith that this is just a bump in a long marriage—he is in a dark place—so try to be understanding and wait it out. Answer: C. Right?”
― Gillian Flynn, Gone Girl

“In search of relationship safety, our attachment system is primed to seek the answers to certain questions regarding our partners. Both consciously and unconsciously we are looking to know: If I turn towards you, will you be there for me? Will you receive and accept me instead of attack, criticize, dismiss or judge me? Will you comfort me? Will you respond in a way that calms my nervous system? Do I matter to you? Do I make a difference in your life? Can we lean into and rely on each other?”
― Jessica Fern, Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy