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Bury My Heart at ...
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Jan 10, 2026 03:49PM

 
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Lundy Bancroft
“When a man starts my program, he often says, “I am here because I lose control of myself sometimes. I need to get a better grip.” I always correct him: "Your problem is not that you lose control of yourself, it’s that you take control of your partner. In order to change, you don’t need to gain control over yourself, you need to let go of control of her.”
Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Lundy Bancroft
“It is important to note that research has shown that men who have abusive mothers do not tend to develop especially negative attitudes toward females, but men who have abusive fathers do; the disrespect that abusive men show their female partners and their daughters is often absorbed by their sons.
So while a small number of abusive men do hate women, the great majority exhibit a more subtle—though often quite pervasive—sense of superiority or contempt toward females, and some don’t show any obvious signs of problems with women at all until they are in a serious relationship.”
Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Fyodor Dostoevsky
“The soul is healed by being with children.”
Fyodor Dostoevsky

Lundy Bancroft
“Abuse and respect are diametric opposites: You do not respect someone whom you abuse, and you do not abuse someone whom you respect.”
Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Lundy Bancroft
“The abusive man’s high entitlement leads him to have unfair and unreasonable expectations, so that the relationship revolves around his demands. His attitude is: “You owe me.” For each ounce he gives, he wants a pound in return. He wants his partner to devote herself fully to catering to him, even if it means that her own needs—or her children’s—get neglected. You can pour all your energy into keeping your partner content, but if he has this mind-set, he’ll never be satisfied for long. And he will keep feeling that you are controlling him, because he doesn’t believe that you should set any limits on his conduct or insist that he meet his responsibilities.”
Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

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