Jessi

“I always talk about love but I’ve seen a life where I can live without it, where I can eat with my hands, make the whole bed, leave the light on for myself.”
― Caitlyn Siehl

“I don’t think we’re in love anymore.
I think about sex constantly.
I hate your parents. I’m pretty sure they hate me.
Do you have any idea how fucked up this is?
I’ve been sleeping with my back to you for months now,
and you haven’t touched me once.
I almost went home with the guy who gave me change
at the bank. I almost asked his name.
I don’t think we’re in love anymore.
We don’t kiss like we used to. Your lips are always
cold and mine are always chapped.
Neither of us even apologize.
I haven’t shaved in days and you haven’t noticed.
I am insatiable.
I am a disaster just waiting to remember
the storm in her bones.
I am proud of this.
I want someone to fuck me so hard
that something inside of me snaps
and I can’t stop screaming ‘I love you, oh my God, I love you.’
I don’t think we’re in love anymore.
Sometimes, I genuinely think the sky is bleeding, and I don’t
know how to stop it.
I don’t think I am capable of staying put.
My bags are already packed. I’ve been waiting for you
to check the bedroom.
I don’t think we’re in love anymore.
I don’t know whose fault it is.
Let’s stop trying to make a broken thing work.
We were brave for trying.
We were brave for trying.”
― Caitlyn Siehl

“Stars are not small or gentle.
They are writhing and dying and burning.
They are not here to be pretty.
I am trying to learn from them.”
― Caitlyn Siehl

“DO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH PEOPLE LIKE ME
Do not fall in love with people like me.
People like me will love you so hard
that you turn into stone,
into a statue where people come to marvel at how long
it must have taken to carve that faraway look into your eyes.

Do not fall in love with people like me.
We will take you to museums and parks and monuments
and kiss you in every beautiful place
so that you can never go back to them
without tasting us like blood in your mouth.

Do not come any closer.
People like me are bombs.
When our time is up, we will splatter loss all over your walls
in angry colors that make you wish your doorway
never learned our name.

Do not fall in love with people like me.
With the lonely ones.
We will forget our own names if it means learning yours.
We will make you think that hurricanes are gentle,
that pain is a gift.

You will get lost in the desperation, in the longing
for something that is always reaching,
but never able to hold.

Do not fall in love with people like me.
We will destroy your apartment.
We will throw apologies at you that shatter on the floor
and cut your feet.
We will never learn how to be soft.
We will leave.
We always do.”
― Caitlyn Siehl, What We Buried