Heather

“If you’re going to die, die interesting! Is there anything worse than a boring death? (Other than a Charlie Rose marathon on PBS?) I think not. When my time comes I’m going to go out in high style. I have no intention of being sick or lingering or dragging on and on and boring everyone I know.”
― Joan Rivers, I Hate Everyone...Starting with Me

“Here’s a handy list of warning signs of the worst people on the road. Some are tuned-out menaces, others are just assholes. Be alert, and if you see this on a vehicle close to you, get away now. STICK FIGURE FAMILY: I hereby decree that you are allowed to accelerate to ramming speed every time you see a minivan with a silhouette of the family and their names on the rear window. We get it, you didn’t pull out. Is that information you really think I’m interested in? I know you’re a parent. You’re driving a Plymouth Voyager with two hundred thousand miles on it; do you imagine I’m behind you thinking, “Who is that gay entrepreneur?” Even worse is the theme family. Oh, you’re into snowboarding? Oh, you’ve got cats? Oh, they’ve all got Mickey ears, they must really love Disney. You know what I love? Driving more than fifty-three miles an hour. How about a stick figure depiction of your family moving the fuck over and letting me get to work on time?”
― Adam Carolla, President Me: The America That's in My Head – A Hilariously Satirical Political Comedy from the Podcast Host

“Jesus Fart-Gargling Christ, what the fuck is wrong with you? Somehow you’ve made me miss those bygone, halcyon days when you merely endorsed pedophiles.”
― Aldous J. Pennyfarthing, Dear Pr*sident A**clown: 101 More Rude Letters to Donald Trump

“I’m tired of dealing with crazies. When did it become my job to manage your mental illness?”
― Joan Rivers, Diary of a Mad Diva