Kelli Herrin

“You know," said Arthur, "it's at times like this, when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young."
"Why, what did she tell you?"
"I don't know, I didn't listen.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

“...Stealing all the balls from the ball-pit play area in the local 'Baron Horatio Von FUNigan's Pizzatorium and Gameateria' restaurant chain... one ball at a time..." The officer looked up at him. "Why would you do that?"

"Because I couldn't find a container big enough to carry them all away at once." He answered seriously.”
― Elizabeth Gannon, The Guy Your Friends Warned You About

“…He needed to find some little poor kids to playfully spray with a hose, while he was helping out at a charity carwash for the handicapped or something.  Maybe rent a wet dog for the afternoon, and get it to shake its head in slow motion, while he laughed like some douchebag asshole and tried to lightheartedly block the soapy droplets with his hands or one of the little wheelchair kids or something.  Women loved that shit if movies were to be believed.  They ate it up. Sadly, he had no idea how to go about doing any of that though.  None of the pet shops had been open to the idea of him using their puppies as a prop in a seduction fantasy, and all of the schools for the disabled he called had refused to give him an hourly rate on renting their students.”
― Elizabeth Gannon, The Guy Your Friends Warned You About

“...Trying to break into the Australian embassy..."

"Hey, 'Free New Zealand,' man!" He tried to raise his fist in protest, but was prevented by his handcuffs. "Aussie tyranny has got to stop!"

The officer shook his head. "They're separate countries. They have nothing to do with one another."

"Really?" His eyebrow rose in surprise. "You sure?"

"Yes."

"...Oops." He shrugged. "Well I guess I owe them an apology then.”
― Elizabeth Gannon, The Guy Your Friends Warned You About