Martha Phebus

“You worry too much. Eat some bacon...What? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better. I just made too much bacon.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“I’m gonna put a handful of condoms in the glove compartment of the car…. I don’t give a shit if you don’t want to talk about this with me, I don’t want to talk about this with you, either. You think I want you screwing in my car? No. But I’d much less rather have to pay for some kid you make because there ain’t condoms in there.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“You go on ahead. I’d rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds’ urine.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

“On Getting in Trouble at School “Why would you throw a ball in someone’s face?…Huh. That’s a pretty good reason. Well, I can’t do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.”
― Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says