Marit

“What I want, what I need, and what is right are three entirely different things.”
― Sarah A. Parker, To Bleed a Crystal Bloom

“Cardan gazes at a rosebush with petals so black and glossy they look like patent leather. 'It was terrifying,' he says, 'watching you fall. I mean, you're generally terrifying, but I am unused to fearing for you. And then, I was furious. I am not sure I have ever been that angry before.'

'Mortals are fragile,' I say.

'Not you,' he says in a way that sounds a little like a lament. 'You never break.'

Which is ridiculous, as hurt as I am. I feel like a constellation of wounds, held together with string and stubbornness. Still, I like hearing it. I like everything he's saying all too well.

That boy is your weakness.”
― Holly Black, The Queen of Nothing

“I didn't mean to hurt you.' He grabs my hand, possibly to keep me from hitting him again. Our fingers lace together. 'No, it's not that, not exactly. I didn't think I could hurt you. And I never thought you would be afraid of me.'

'And did you like it?' I ask.

He looks away from me then, and I have my answer. Maybe he doesn't want to admit to that impulse, but he has it.

'Well, I was hurt, and yes, you scare me.' Even as I am speaking, I wish I could snatch back the words. Perhaps it is exhaustion or having been so close to death, but the truth pours out of me in a devastating rush. 'You've always scared me. You gave me every reason to fear your capriciousness and your cruelty. I was afraid of you even when you were tied to that chair in the Court of Shadows. I was afraid of you when I had a knife to your throat. And I am scared of you now.'

Cardan looks more surprised than he did when I slapped him.

He was always a symbol of everything about Elfhame that I couldn't have, everything that would never want me. And telling him this feels a little like throwing off a heavy weight, except that weight is supposed to be my armour, and without it, I am afraid I am going to be entirely exposed. But I keep talking anyway, as though I no longer have control over my tongue. 'You despised me. When you said you wanted me, it felt like the world had turned upside down.

'But sending me into exile, that made sense.' I meet his gaze. 'That was an entirely right-side-up Cardan move. And I hated myself for not seeing it coming. And I hate myself for not seeing what you're going to do to me next.'

He closes his eyes. When he opens them, he releases my hand and turns so I can't see his face. 'I can see why you thought what you did. I suppose I am not an easy person to trust. And maybe I ought not to be trusted, but let me say this: I trust you.”
― Holly Black, The Queen of Nothing

“To the High Queen of Elfhame,

Above me is the same silvery moon that shines down on you. Looking at it makes me recall the glint of your blade pressed against my throat and other romantic moments.

I do not know what keeps you from returning
to the High Court—whether it is vexation
with me, or whether, having spent time in
the mortal world, you have come to believe
that a life free of the Folk is better than one
ruling over them.

In my most wretched hours, I believe you will
never come back.

Why would you, save for your ambition?
You have always known exactly what I am
and seen all my failings, all my weaknesses
and scars. I flattered myself that at moments
you had feelings for me other than contempt,
but even were that true, they would be but
watered wine beside the feast of your other,
greater desires.

And yet my heart is buried with you in the
strange soil of the mortal world, as it was
drowned with you in the cold waters of the
Undersea.

It was yours before I could admit it, and yours
it shall ever remain.

Cardan”
― Holly Black, The Queen of Nothing