Coco Galicia

“A homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food. How can they have the nerve to beg for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there? I didn't care if this guy understood English or not. "Tell me when you're out of dog, buddy. Then we can talk about splitting a falafel.”
― Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

“You who are in power have only the means that money produces — we who are in expectation, have those which devotion prompts.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

“If women could ejaculate, I would have exploded hot jizz all over my manager's face. Instead, I hugged him. (about getting the SNL gig as a writer)”
― Sarah Silverman, The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“Everyone knows that God protects drunkards and lovers.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Three Musketeers