Coco Galicia

“Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.”
― Chelsea Handler

“Everyone knows that God protects drunkards and lovers.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Three Musketeers

“If women could ejaculate, I would have exploded hot jizz all over my manager's face. Instead, I hugged him. (about getting the SNL gig as a writer)”
― Sarah Silverman, The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

“A homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food. How can they have the nerve to beg for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there? I didn't care if this guy understood English or not. "Tell me when you're out of dog, buddy. Then we can talk about splitting a falafel.”
― Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea