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“No one’s ever brought me flowers before,” said Mr. Kidswatter. “You may not believe this, Louis, but I don’t have many friends.” He put his hand on Louis’s shoulder. “You’re like a son to me,” he said.
“And you’re a maggot-infested string bean,” muttered Louis.
“What?” asked Mr. K.
“I said, you’re a magnificent human being.”
― Louis Sachar, Wayside School Gets A Little Stranger

“Mac raised his hand. “Once I could only find one of my socks,” he said. “Man, I looked everywhere for it! Under the bed, in the bathroom. You’ll never guess where I finally found it.”
“In the refrigerator,” said Bob.
Mac’s mouth dropped open. “How’d you know?”
Bob shrugged. “Where else?”
― Louis Sachar, Wayside School Is Falling Down

“What is a sensitive person?” said the Cracker to the Roman Candle.
“A person who, because he has corns himself, always treads on other people's toes,” answered the Roman Candle in a low whisper; and the Cracker nearly exploded with laughter.”
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Wilde Stories for Children

“I hate people who talk about themselves, as you do, when one wants to talk about oneself, as I do.”
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Wilde Stories for Children