Michael Stockinger

“The only candidate I'd allow to play my music would be Bigfoot, and unless we're talking about foraging for squirrels, he's notoriously apolitical.”
― Greg Gutfeld, Not Cool: The Hipster Elite and Their War on You

“I'd often slip and fall on the ice after last call, which explained the ever-present welts. If I were with a woman, I'd usually execute a precautionary vomit in the men's room in an effort avoid any ugly incidents once I got her back to her place. And they say chivalry is dead.”
― Dan Dunn, Nobody Likes a Quitter (and other reasons to avoid rehab): The Loaded Life of an Outlaw Booze Writer

“Remember back in forty-four when someone killed that pet parrot of yours? What was his name, Reynold? You know, the only friend you ever had? That was me, George. I fucked it to death then fed it to Goshy.”
― Will Elliott, The Pilo Family Circus

“The classic definition of slapstick runs along the line of, "Funny is someone else ramming his face repeatedly into a brick wall.”
― Katherine Dunn, The Pilo Family Circus