F. Dum

“There is in the word pedagogy the suggestion of certain goals that the charge is meant to achieve--and this limits his or her possibilities for development from the start. But an honest rejection of all forms of manipulation and of the idea of setting goals does not mean that one simply leaves children to their own devices. For children need a large measure of emotional and physical support from the adult. This support must include the following elements if they are to develop their full potential:

1. Respect for the child

2. Respect for his rights

3. Tolerance for his feelings

4. Willingness to learn from his behavior:

a. About the nature of the individual child
b. About the child in the parents themselves
c. About the nature of emotional life, which can be observed much more clearly in the child than in the adult because the child can experience his feelings much more intensely and, optimally, more undisguisedly than an adult

There is evidence among the younger generation that this kind of willingness is possible even for people who were themselves victims of child-rearing.”
― Alice Miller, For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence

“The history of childhood is a nightmare from which we have only recently begun to awaken.”
― Lloyd DeMause, The History of Childhood: The Untold Story of Child Abuse

“Morality and performance of duty are artificial measures that become necessary when something essential is lacking. The more successfully a person was denied access to his or her feelings in childhood, the larger the arsenal of intellectual weapons and the supply of moral prostheses has to be, because morality and a sense of duty are not sources of strength or fruitful soil for genuine affection. Blood does not flow in artificial limbs; they are for sale and can serve many masters. What was considered good yesterday can--depending on the decree of government or party--be considered evil and corrupt today, and vice versa.

But those who have spontaneous feelings can only be themselves. They have no other choice if they want to remain true to themselves. Rejection, ostracism, loss of love, and name calling will not fail to affect them; they will suffer as a result and will dread them, but once they have found their authentic self they will not want to lose it. And when they sense that something is being demanded of them to which their whole being says no, they cannot do it. They simply cannot.”
― Alice Miller, For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence

“Für jene, die in das Erscheinungsbild ‚normalen’ Verhaltens hineinschlüpfen, weil sie die Spannung der Widersprüche zwischen der auferlegten Realität und ihrer inneren Welt nicht ertragen, für solche Menschen gibt es bald keine wirklichen Gefühle mehr. Stattdessen gehen sie mit Ideen von Gefühlen um, haben keine Erfahrung mehr mit ihnen. Sie präsentieren aufgesetzte Gefühle und sagen sich von ihren wahren Gefühlen los. Je ‚gesünder’ das Image der Identität, das sie angenommen haben, desto erfolgreicher werden sie diese Manipulation vollziehen können. Und es ist Manipulation, da ihr Ziel nicht der Ausdruck ihrer selbst ist, sondern den andern zu überzeugen, dass sie angemessen handeln, denken und fühlen.”
― Arno Gruen, The Insanity of Normality: Toward Understanding Human Destructiveness