Kayla

“If you have not seen it, FOOTBALL is a game in which men shove one another back and forth for no reason. They do not choose how, when, or whom they shove. All that has been decided for them in advance. All they need to do is follow the orders given to them before the game, showing them where to run and how to violently deploy the meat of their bodies against the meat that is running at them. They are doing this in order to please one angry old man on the sidelines. This old man is called the "coach" or "yelling surrogate dad who will never be happy.”
― John Hodgman, That is All

“Raccoons are beyond fear, and they are assholes.”
― John Hodgman, Vacationland: True Stories from Painful Beaches

“That which is hard to do is best done bitterly.”
― John Hodgman, More Information Than You Require

“Manly deeds, womanly hands.”
― John Hodgman, The Areas of My Expertise: An Almanac of Complete World Knowledge Compiled with Instructive Annotation and Arranged in Useful Order