Status Updates From Hushed

idk

sindrome del crocerossino

“Stop thinking you’re alone in any of this.”
“You know, I won’t always be like this,” Archer murmured. “I’ll get out of here, and things will be how they should be. Better than before.”
“I know it. And I’ll be here, waiting for you.”

“Wait for me a little longer,” Archer had told him more than once.
Like Evan was going anywhere after all they’d been through.

“What do you want more than anything, Archer?”
[…]
Finally: “I’d like to live.”
Marissa smiled.
“Good. You haven’t done that in awhile.”

She cried.
But he didn’t think it was for him.
You’ll be alone now. How does it make you feel?

“Even with the adrenaline racing through his veins, her words made him so tired. Nothing he said would make this better. “I was miserable, Vivian. I had to do what I had to do.”
“And what is that?”
Archer met her eyes, unflinching, unwavering. “I had to let you go.”

“I would’ve stayed by your side for the rest of my life…if you had ever given me the time of day. But it was never me. I was never enough. All the boyfriends you went through, even the one that ditched you at prom—who was there, Viv? Who has always been there waiting for you?”

They didn’t make him feel guilty. He felt… What did he feel?
Nothing. Blissfully. Nothing.

“How’re you feeling? About…all of this.”
What did that even mean? He shook his head. “I’m not worried about me.”
“I am. You can tell me. I know this is hard. For both of us,…”

“Because I know you only hate me because I did what you wanted to do and were too scared to.” He hunched his shoulders. “And because you’re my mother, and I may not like you most of the time… But I love you.”

As though she didn’t already know. Denial was a powerful thing, and he was all too aware how different it was to think something and actually hear it.

Try to reach out to her. To make certain that no matter what happened, she remembered she was his mother. He loved her. Even if he didn’t know how to show it.

What would it have been like to come home for a visit greeted with a hug and a kiss? Missed by a mother who fussed too much over stuff that didn’t matter, like his ruffled hair or the clothes he wore? Instead they stood there, both awkward. Both wary.

You and I both, you and I both, brother.

He couldn’t wrap his head around the idea of loving someone, someone loving him. No strings attached. Evan asked for nothing of him other than his time and attention.

“I’m not sure what you want me to say.” He tore his gaze from her face. “I’ve broken myself to pieces trying to help her. I can’t do it anymore.”

“And Viv had people who loved her, too. People who would’ve done anything to help her get through things. Instead, she chose to use you as her trampoline. There to give her a high when she needed it, and there to catch her when it got to be too much.”

“Everyone’s had shit in their lives. Some people have it worse than others. But no one can turn you into a bad person, just like no one can turn you into a good one. We’re all dealt our hands in life, and how we choose to react is entirely up to us. That’s free will.”

Alone was the more terrifying of his options.”
[…]
Alone had to be better than this. Terrifying, but better.

But there was a distinct wrongness to it he couldn’t place. It wasn’t comfort; it was desperation, a need for air as he lay drowning in the mess of his life.

“I’m sorry.” There was no anger in his voice, no malice. He sounded sad. “I can’t keep letting you drag me down over and over again. I can’t let you be my Vivian.”

“You’re telling me to choose between you.”
[…]
“No, I’m asking you to choose between slowly killing yourself, and someone who loves you.”
[…]
“You’ve been trying, I’ll give you that. But look back on today and tell me if you think it’s enough.”