Status Updates From The Calvin and Hobbes Porta...

Calvin's parents come back, and Dad drops Rosalyn off at her house. Then Calvin comes out from the back seat and asks if Rosalyn is gone. Damn.

Rosalyn talks on the phone with her boyfriend, while Calvin and Hobbes are locked in the garage to keep them out of trouble. Damn, this girl is just two steps ahead of them.

After having so much trouble finding a babysitter for Calvin, a young woman named Rosalyn comes to babysit. And she makes Mom pay her half up front. Knowing Calvin, probably a smart move, Rosalyn.

Calvin recommends a Japanese monster movie to watch with Hobbes. Interesting choice, Calvin.

Calvin the Human Insect takes twenty minutes to turn a book's page while doing his homework, to the pleasure of his parents, who probably won't be happy later when they find out Calvin hardly got anything done, maybe.

Calvin pretends to be a human insect, walking across the dinner table and jumping onto a spoon to fling peas. In reality, he's doing it with his finger, to the chagrin of his father. Give peas a chance, Calvin!

Calvin and Hobbes go fishing, but throw the worms in the water because they don't wanna touch them. When the worms become soggy and start to sink, Calvin and Hobbes get grossed out and go out for burgers instead.

Calvin really loves the classic humor of Saturday morning cartoons. Well, specifically, the idiots, explosives, and falling anvils. Of course, Calvin.

Calvin has started getting a shit-ton of magazines in the mail. Of course, that's because he went to the library and filled out all the subscription cards that said "Bill Me Later". Okay, but ... who's gonna get billed, Calvin?

Calvin is playing golf, whacking balls with a golf club into a big-ass hole he dug. I ... hope that's not in your yard, Calvin.

Calvin is Spaceman Spiff once again, closing in on an alien spacecraft to fire his death ray. In reality, he is in class and has pounded Susie's head with a textbook. When Susie tells the teacher, Calvin plans evasive action. Good God, Calvin!

Hobbes asks Calvin if he thinks there's a God. Calvin is stunned by the question and claims that somebody's out to get him. Interesting answer, Cal.

Calvin has damaged something that will cost his parents $200 to fix. While Dad is angry, Mom accepts it as part of raising a child and asks Dad if he's not sorry they had Calvin. He seems to be, but Mom claims it wasn't all her decision, then Dad claims he had wanted a dachshund instead. I should not be hearing this.

As Calvin takes his bath to prepare for a fancy dinner out, Hobbes gets himself nice and cleaned up in one of Calvin's ties and sport coats. Calvin's dad doesn't seem to be satisfied, somehow.

Mom is taking Calvin to the store. Calvin wants to take Hobbes, then starts screaming when Mom tells him no. His conclusion is that, if you can't win by reason, go for volume. Interesting advice, Calvin.

Calvin and Hobbes cook popcorn without a lid, and popcorn goes everywhere. Calvin deems it more fun than exploding a potato in the microwave.

After not being allowed to do things he wants and being forced to do things he doesn't want, Calvin notices the difference between how good something is for you and how much fun it is.

Calvin is reading a book, and points out a word he doesn't know to Hobbes to ask what it means. Hobbes is shocked at the sight of it and pretends he doesn't know. Calvin demands a dictionary to find out for himself. Probably not a good idea, Cal.

Calvin pretends he is a dinosaur, chasing fleeing cavemen to devour them. In reality, he's watching TV and noisily eating popcorn, much to the ire of his mom.

Calvin once again imagines he is Spaceman Spiff, chasing Zorgons in his ship to blow them up. In reality, he's in class, supposed to be taking a test. Susie asks him what the capital of Poland was until 1600, and he says "Krakow". He unknowingly gave her the right answer, but he was really making sound effects as he blew up Zorgons. Oh, Calvin. Susie owes you for this one.

Calvin takes the umbrella outside, having Hobbes ride the wagon down a hill while Calvin wears roller skates and tries using the umbrella to fly. It doesn't work, and Calvin bumps into a lot of things and drags on the floor. It only "works" temporarily when the wagon goes off the dock and crashes into the lake. Calvin decides to bring some other kids over and charge them to try it.

While relaxing in the woods, Calvin asks Hobbes if he ever thinks about the end of the world as they know it. But he's not talking about a nuclear war. He means if Mom catches him letting the air out of the car tires again. Damn, Cal!

Calvin tries commanding his homework to do itself via magic, but it doesn't work. Nice try, Cal!

Calvin is angry because he looked everywhere he could have possibly left his jacket, but he can't find it anywhere. Turns out, somebody put it in his closet. He doesn't seem very happy about that.

Moe tells Calvin he has two periods left to live before he turns Calvin into hamburger casserole in gym class. Calvin hates gym class because the coach "thinks violence is aerobic". I see.

Calvin tells Hobbes he almost died from laughter when a classmate told a funny story. But not from the story itself. He laughed because when the classmate laughed, the milk he was drinking came out his nose. That's ... nice, Calvin.

Calvin has trouble building a model airplane because he can't understand the instructions. So he smashes it with a hammer and concludes that it was hit by anti-aircraft guns, which his planes seem to fly into a lot, according to Hobbes. Maybe get some help for that, Calvin.

Calvin forgot to do his homework for school, so he decides to give himself a cold so he can stay home. When his mom goes to give him cough medicine, he tries to tell her it was Hobbes coughing because the medicine tastes awful. She gives it to him and he suffers through it, then tries to trick Hobbes into taking it. But Hobbes doesn't fall for it. Good idea, Hobbes.

Calvin is out fishing, but a fish comes out of the water and bites him right in the ass. When Hobbes comes and asks if the fish are biting, Calvin tells him to drop dead. Yeesh!