Status Updates From The Calvin and Hobbes Porta...

Calvin is roller-skating down a hill and can't stop. At Hobbes's suggestion, he steers into a gravel driveway and falls down but gets injured and angry at Hobbes. Well, you tried your best, Hobbes.

Hobbes pitches a baseball for Calvin, but it gets stuck to the bat. Calvin angrily asks if it's a spitball. Hobbes, you rascal!

Calvin imagines himself as Spaceman Spiff once again, repeatedly switching his spaceship's gear from forward to backward and back again to avoid attacks from aliens. In reality, Calvin's playing on a swing, but starting to get sick.

At Hobbes's insistence, Calvin apologizes to Susie and allows her to play with them. Susie starts a game of House, but not to Calvin's liking. She's a female Wall Street executive, Hobbes is a house-husband, and Calvin is a mentally-disabled kid in a daycare center.

Susie complains about how Calvin always pushes her away when she just wants to be friends. She decides to have fun by herself, but struggles to do so.

Susie comes along and asks Calvin what he's doing but Calvin pushes her away and claims he and Hobbes are doing "big important things". In reality, they're both bored out of their skulls.

After being sent outside for irritating his mother, Calvin imagines himself as a fly buzzing over the grass until he gets caught in a big-ass spider-web. In reality, he got tangled in the family's hammock, which Hobbes decides not to join Calvin in.

Calvin bitches at his mom for signing him up for swimming lessons and asks why she couldn't sign him up for something fun or useful. To his dismay, Mom has signed him up for piano lessons. Uh oh!

Calvin refuses to learn how to swim and vows to stay on dry land all his life. Rosalyn then asks what will happen if he falls out of a boat, to which Calvin responds with his trusty life preserver. Mhmm.

While complaining about the cold water, Calvin worries that Rosalyn is involved in an insurance scam and is going to let all the kids drown. He then proceeds to freak out when Rosalyn introduces the "deadman's float", to her dismay.

Rosalyn orders everybody into the water, but Calvin refuses. She then threatens to hit him with a "rat tail" if he doesn't. Calvin was under the assumption that life-guards were supposed to save people. Yeah, you'd think, Cal.

Calvin complains about swimming lessons, which gets worse when he realizes the class is taught by Rosalyn. Uh oh!

Calvin's mom has signed him up for swimming lessons, to his dismay. Calvin asks if she signed Hobbes up, but she said it's not good to get tigers wet. Hobbes says it's because it takes them all day to dry, and until they do, they smell funny. Though in real life, tigers don't mind water.

Calvin drinks a magical elixir and grows to a height of 300 feet tall, then proceeds to go on a rampage and destroy the town, killing everybody. In reality, he was stomping on toy cars in his sandbox, and his mom refuses to buy him any more because she watched him do it on purpose.

Calvin pretends he has mutated into a giant fly after an experiment gone wrong. On the search for decaying flesh, he becomes obsessed with a disgusting smell, which is coming from the trash his mom asked him to take out.

Calvin enjoys messing with the minds of flowers by making them think it's raining on a sunny day by watering them. They might be smarter than you think, Cal.

Calvin and Hobbes play with water-squirters inside the house, which devolves into chasing and rough-play before Mom angrily shouts at them to do it outside. So the two go outside and just sit around and do nothing. Of course.

Calvin and Hobbes cook sausages on a campfire, but their wieners catch fire and they have to stomp them out. They both come to the conclusion that they don't like food cooked out because it all tastes the same.

Calvin gets his fishing hook stuck in the seat of his pants and accidentally hurls himself into the water ... but he manages to catch a fish anyway. Congrats, kid.

Calvin and Hobbes go fishing: Hobbes holding Calvin out over the water with a fishing rod while Calvin hits fish in the water with a baseball bat. Interesting, Calvin.

Calvin points out several things in the water while boating with Hobbes. He imagines them as amazing things like whales and eels, but they're really just rocks and branches. Calvin is bored now.

Calvin catches a fish, but when Dad talks about cleaning it for dinner, Calvin is grossed out. They have cheese sandwiches for dinner instead. Good idea.

Dad is enjoying his mornings at the cabin, catching fish in the morning for breakfast. But Mom complains that she only wants coffee, and Calvin complains about the lack of TV.

The family has arrived at their vacation spot, where the hyperactive Calvin is free to run around all he likes. But now he's bored and wants to go home. Seriously, Calvin?

After pulling out of the restaurant, Calvin has to go to the bathroom. When he says he can only think of water, now Mom has to go too. Dad pulls over at a gas station, saying that next year, he's just gonna take a vacation by himself.

When Dad proposes stopping for food, Calvin only wants burgers. Dad is sick of burgers and wants to eat something else, but relents when Calvin bugs him by singing.

The family is going on vacation, but Calvin is already bored with the drive, which will be eight hours long. Mom and Dad both say to each other that they should have flown.

Calvin and Hobbes are at the beach, but are unable to handle the hot sand and cold water, so they go back to the car. Dad is angry that they drove an hour and a half just for that.

Calvin and Hobbes find a great spot for catching crawdads. Only problem is, they have no idea what crawdads are.