Status Updates From The Calvin and Hobbes Porta...

Calvin runs into a closet to transform into a superhero named Captain Napalm. Unfortunately, the "superhuman powers" he's been endowed with do not include opening locked doors, as Calvin has become trapped in the closet (don't even think about it!) and calls for his mom.

While sledding together, Calvin asks Hobbes if he believes in life after death, or reincarnation. A spooked Hobbes just covers his eyes and tells Calvin to focus on steering the sled. Good advice, Hobbes.

Calvin and Hobbes are engaging in a snowball fight. Calvin is getting impatient because Hobbes is taking so long. Little does Calvin know, however, that Hobbes has prepared a MASSIVE snowball he intends to catapult onto Calvin. Uh oh!

While outside at night, Calvin asks Hobbes if he thinks their destinies are controlled by the stars but Hobbes believes they can do anything they want with their lives. Calvin thinks for a bit, then decides he doesn't wanna hear his parents tell it.

Calvin goes to his mom and asks for money so he and Hobbes can go to a movie. Mom, however, isn't so thrilled about the type of movie Calvin wants to go see, and lectures Calvin on more constructive things to do, to Calvin's dismay. When Hobbes asks what she said, Calvin describes it as an "irrelevant tangent". Funny thing is, I went to a movie today and boy, was it bloody and gory!

Calvin and Hobbes are doing Calvin's math homework and end up on a quote that says a bushel is equal to four pecks. When Calvin asks what a peck is, Hobbes says it's a quick smooch. Calvin comments that he doesn't understand math at all.

Calvin and Hobbes have Calvin's dad read "Little Red Riding Hood" as a bedtime story, with the wolf swapped out for a tiger. Annoyed by Calvin's constant interference, Dad ends the story by having the tiger eat both Red and the hunter and leaves. Calvin and Hobbes both enjoyed the story, with Hobbes crying at the "happy ending".

Calvin goes up to Moe and asks if his antisocial tendencies are because of his pituitary gland. Moe has no idea what Calvin just asked and responds with "What?" Calvin tells the reader to give him a round of applause. Clearly, he thinks Moe is the playground equivalent of a circus act.

Moe returns to berate Calvin for taking his favorite swing. Calvin says that's true and asks, "How about that?" Moe is at a loss for words and can't come up with a response. Calvin asides that Moe's train of thought is still boarding at the station.

We are introduced to another supporting character: Calvin's bully, Moe. Moe demands Calvin to hand over a ball he's playing with. Calvin gives it to him, noting to never argue with a six-year-old who shaves. Yeesh!

Calvin imagines he is an octopus crawling along the beach to terrorize the tourists. He grabs onto one tourist, who turns out to be his annoyed mom asking him if he wants something.

Calvin tells his dad that his polls took a big dive yesterday, and his "Overall Dad Performance" rating is very low. It's because Calvin was refused dessert last night because he flooded the house in the last strip. Calvin suggests a new line of work for his dad.

Calvin calls his dad at work and begins a casual conversation, but it turns out he flooded the damn house. Yep. Hope you have your explanation ready, Cal.

Calvin once again pretends to be Spaceman Spiff. Spiff's spaceship has gotten damaged and Spiff is about to crash-land onto an alien planet. But moments before impact, Spiff manages to eject himself from the ship and survive the crash. In real life, however, Calvin fell down the stairs while playing with a toy spaceship, much to the chagrin of his "sarcastic alien" mom.

Calvin comes inside the house and asks his mom when lunch is. When his mom says it'll be later because she's busy, Calvin complains that he's hungry and wants to eat now. His mom responds by making Calvin a map to the refrigerator, which Calvin isn't so thrilled about.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he knows where babies come from. When Hobbes says he doesn't, Calvin wonders how one finds out. After looking at the back of Calvin's shirt, Hobbes deduces that Calvin came from Taiwan.

Calvin is taking forever getting ready for school. His mom asks if he's up and Calvin says he's coming. Mom opens the door to find Hobbes dressed in Calvin's school clothes. Hobbes tells Calvin that he told him it wouldn't work, and Calvin says it's because Hobbes wasn't wearing pants.

Calvin is once again disgusted by dinner, but his father says he'll love it. Calvin asks what if he doesn't, and his father says that it will build him character. Calvin sarcastically comments on how his father is looking out for him.

Calvin asks his mom if he can take up the floorboards in his room to make a "secret passageway". His mom tells him no because he'd come right through the kitchen ceiling. Calvin goes back to Hobbes, who has already started the task, and asks how quietly they can nail the floorboards back in. Are you kidding me, Calvin?

As Calvin turns off a news report on TV, he is intrigued by how the remote turns things off. He attempts to use it on his father but it doesn't work, to his dismay and his dad's confusion.

Calvin is watching TV. When Hobbes approaches, Calvin complains that the show is awful and insulting and he only watches it because all the other shows are worse and there's nothing to do. Hobbes lists several meaningful things Calvin can do and says that when he grows old, he'll wish he had more than this to look back on, and Calvin says, "Undoubtedly". Hobbes then gives in and sits down to watch TV with Calvin.

The principal tells Calvin and Susie to pay better attention in class and sends them both back to class. Susie leaves thankful, but Calvin isn't paying attention. He's imagining himself as Spaceman Spiff, ready to battle a Zorg. Really, Calvin?

The principal calls Calvin and Susie into his office. Inside, Calvin and Susie are quick to blame each other, beg for forgiveness, and cry. The principal internally says that he hates his job. Can't say I blame you, guy.

Susie continues to express fear of being paddled, concerned that it might go on their academic records. She then goes savage and tells Calvin he'll answer to her parents if she can't get her Master's Degree. Yeesh!

Susie's note-passing has gotten both Calvin and Susie sent to the principal's office. Susie worries that they'll both get paddled, then says they can't paddle her because she's a girl. When Calvin asks what that has to do with it, Susie explains that girls have more delicate heinies. Well ... that made me uncomfortable.

Still angry about that note, Calvin swears revenge on Susie. When Susie passes another secret note to Calvin, Calvin tells the teacher and has her read it in front of the class. The note turns out to be another trick: Susie wrote to her friend that she hates how Calvin is a squealer. Calvin then tells Susie that he hopes she knows a good dentist.

Susie passes a note to Calvin, asking him to pass it to another student. It's a secret note, so Calvin isn't supposed to read it. Calvin decides to anyway, only to discover it was a trick: The note was Susie calling Calvin a stinkhead and reprimanding him for reading the note.

Calvin gets home from school and leaves a mess for his mom to clean. He goes up to his bedroom but gets attacked by Hobbes until his mom tells him to stop thrashing around and do something quiet because she doesn't wanna sew Hobbes up again. Calvin complains that his mom always takes Hobbes's side, and Hobbes says it's because she wanted another tiger, not Calvin.

On a hike, Calvin and Hobbes get separated from their scout troop and get lost in the woods. But Calvin came prepared with a full backpack ... of comic books. They'll be able to survive in the woods for weeks ... as long as they don't get hungry.

On the way to school, Calvin asks Susie what she brought for show-and-tell. Susie is bringing a letter she wrote to their Congressman. Calvin is bringing a bag of dead bugs he collected from their windowsills. As Susie runs away, Calvin explains that the best part is that this way, his mom didn't have to pack him a lunch. Gross!