Status Updates From The Calvin and Hobbes Porta...

It's Christmas, but Calvin fearfully explains to Hobbes that he didn't get him anything for Christmas. Hobbes is unfazed and tells Calvin he didn't get HIM anything either, but he gives Calvin a tiger hug for being his best friend. All is well, and both are happy. How cute!

It's Christmas Night, and Calvin and Hobbes wake up at midnight to try to trap Santa in the fireplace and steal his stack of presents. Damn! Someone's about to go on the last-minute naughty list.

Calvin complains about Hobbes not having a stocking, asking where Santa is going to put Hobbes's "loot". His mom tells him she will make Hobbes a stocking. After Calvin leaves, his mom questions his dad about "Hobbes's loot", but the dad says he is done shopping.

Calvin and Hobbes build a snow fortress together, and Calvin goes on a tirade, proclaiming that their fortress in impenetrable and that he and Hobbes will attack anybody who attacks them, and win. But to Calvin's surprise, Hobbes pulls a sneaky move and chucks a snowball at him. Damn!

Calvin and Hobbes are out exploring, but Hobbes claims they're lost. Calvin says that they're brave explorers, and the word "lost" isn't in their vocabulary. Hobbes asks if the word "Mommy" is, and the two begin screaming for Calvin's mom.

Calvin and Hobbes are relaxing in a field, and Calvin questions where they go when they die. Hobbes responds with "Pittsburgh?", and Calvin asks if he means if they're good or if they're bad. Coming from Pennsylvania myself, I really don't know what to say.

Calvin is digging up dirt in his yard so he can make speedbumps, much to his mother's frustration. Not good, Calvin. Not good.

Calvin is playing with his toy cars, very interested in the potential collision between a sports car going 200 mph, a cement truck, and an inflammable chemical truck. This kid's imagination is ... interesting.

Calvin wakes up his father by making noise at night, using his baseball bat to whack monsters he thinks are under his bed. However, it's actually just Hobbes. After his dad leaves, Calvin apologizes to Hobbes, who then asks to see Calvin's bat.

Calvin is taking Hobbes to school, though his mom is concerned kids will pick on him. Calvin then tells his mom that Hobbes ate a boy named Tommy Chesnutt who picked on Calvin, so nobody picks on him anymore. Hobbes adds that Tommy needed a bath.

In another Sunday comic, Calvin pretends to be Spaceman Spiff, getting chased through space by aliens. Spiff's spaceship gets hit by the aliens' attack ray and starts plummeting to the ground on another planet. In reality, Calvin is going down a playground slide. Calvin/Spiff makes it to the ground alive, and his teacher suggests he play on the swings instead.

Calvin is very familiar with those old public service announcements. To play around with his father, he sneaks out of his room in the middle of the night, calls his father from a pay-phone, and says "It is now 3 AM. Do you know where I am?" Someone's gonna be in a lot of trouble when he gets home.

Calvin is selling insurance for fifty cents. Susie criticizes his idea and asks why anyone would buy insurance from him. Then Calvin fires a slingshot at her.

Calvin asks Hobbes if he watched the movie or the game on TV last night, both of which Hobbes replies no to. Hobbes actually didn't watch any TV last night. So Calvin asks Hobbes what he DID watch, and Hobbes is speechless. You, uh, didn't watch Calvin to stalk him with the intention of eating him, did you, Hobbes?

Calvin's mom takes Calvin up to bed but Calvin begs her not to, saying that he instructed Hobbes to devour anyone who puts him to bed before 9 PM. However, Hobbes is actually in the washing machine. Calvin berates Hobbes for taking a bath when he really needed him but Hobbes really doesn't care.

Calvin asks his mom if he can do a bunch of crazy shit like setting fire to his mattress or riding his tricycle on the roof, both of which she answers no to. Then he asks if he can have a cookie, and she says no to that too. Calvin deduces that she's onto him. What were you gonna do with that cookie, Cal?

Calvin stays home from school and watches a soap opera on TV, where two lovers having an affair plan to murder their spouses. Calvin deduces that he learns more when he stays home from school.

Calvin isn't paying attention in class again. He imagines himself as Spaceman Spiff, marooned on the planet Zorg, where he encounters a Graknil (really his teacher) and fires his atomic napalm neutralizer at it. When the attack fails, he ducks into a cave, only to encounter a nasty smell and more aliens. In reality, Calvin had run into the teacher's lounge (the smell was probably cigarette smoke).

Calvin's on a swing and tries launching himself up into orbit but fails miserably. Sorry, Calvin!

Calvin taunts Susie, denying her entry to his treehouse due to her being a girl. However, Susie doesn't care and asks why she'd want to "sit in a stupid tree" in the first place. She's got Calvin there, who complains that Susie has "[taken] all the fun out of sex discrimination".

We finally meet Susie Derkins, the new girl. She makes the mistake of sitting next to Calvin during lunch, then he grosses her out by telling her he's eating a squid eyeball sandwich and likes to suck out the retinas, then asks if she wants a bite.

Calvin and Hobbes encounter the new girl mentioned in yesterday's strip, Susie Derkins. Calvin taunts her as she passes by, then Hobbes taunts Calvin over how cute Susie looks. Wonder if we'll get to see this girl ourselves.

During another wagon ride, Calvin tells Hobbes there's a new girl in his class. Hobbes, of course, heckles Calvin over her, even asking if he likes her, which Calvin (quite aggressively) insists that he doesn't.

Calvin compares his dad to a President, telling him that his approval rating is very low, especially among "tigers and six-year-old white males". He suggests ways for his dad to increase his approval rating, including higher allowances and driving lessons. Though I don't think his dad is gonna do any of that, especially that last bit.

Calvin is being forced to take a bath but gets attacked by a Soap-Suds Monster. Unfortunately, Calvin's mom pays no heed to Calvin's cries for help, telling him to be quiet. Thankfully, Calvin manages to kill the monster by sending it down the drain. Calvin's mom, however, isn't so happy that Calvin has drained the tub already.

Calvin asks Hobbes during a wagon ride if he believes in fate and that the things they do are inevitable. Hobbes thinks that's a scary thought, possibly because they're about to crash into a lake. Guess they were fated to do that then. Oh well!

Calvin's imagination springs into action at school. While being sent to the Principal's office for a bad attention span, Calvin imagines himself as Spaceman Spiff, being captured by aliens and sent to a torture chamber. To prevent having to tell the aliens the secret formula to an atomic napalm neutralizer, he "springs into action", but really just eats his hall pass. Lol!

Once again, Calvin rudely turns his nose up at dinner, so his father sends him to bed without dinner to teach him manners, despite his mother worrying about Calvin going hungry. Little do they know that Calvin and Hobbes are secretly ordering themselves a pizza!

Calvin's rather interesting imagination is at work while Calvin plays in the sandbox, crafting a bustling metropolis. Then he fills a huge bucket with water and explains that said city "lies directly beneath the Hoover Dam". Oh, dam (pun intended)!