Status Updates From The Calvin and Hobbes Porta...

Calvin asks his dad to buy him a flamethrower, but Dad refuses, even though Calvin insists he won't use it in the house. Yeah, no, Calvin. Just ... no.

To boost their coolness, Calvin suggests he and Hobbes wear dark glasses. Hobbes has trouble seeing through the glasses and is worried he'll bump into things. But Calvin says they don't have to move. They just hang around and look cool. Interesting philosophy, Cal.

Mom wakes Calvin up in the morning, but Calvin isn't very motivated to wake up. And he doesn't seem to care for her incentive about the early bird getting the worm. Yeah, that's pretty gross, Mom.

Calvin and Hobbes find a decoder ring in Calvin's box of cereal. Calvin excitedly comments that they can send each other secret messages in code so that Mom and Dad won't be able to understand them ... not that they do anyway. Yeah, I guess you're right, Cal.

Calvin wants to show Susie a magic trick. First, he needs Susie to give him an ordinary quarter, and then he'll disappear. Susie isn't enthused and starts pounding Calvin, who reminds her that it was a TRICK. Yeah, not very nice, kid.

Calvin is disgusted by his family's dinner of salmon, which his parents are making him finish. He asks if he can eat it upstairs while he does his homework, which his parents allow. So he brings it upstairs for Hobbes to eat while doing Calvin's homework, and Hobbes is giving a bunch of nonsensical answers to subtraction problems. Welcome to F City, Calvin!

Calvin and Hobbes are playing war, with Calvin being the American Hero battling the communist Hobbes. The rules are that if you get hit with a dart, you're dead. But when the game begins, both get hit by each other's darts. Calvin decides that the game is stupid. Amen to that, Calvin.

Hobbes tries a taste of Calvin's new favorite cereal, Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs. Hobbes finds the cereal unbearably sweet, but Calvin says the cereal is bland until you scoop sugar on it. Jesus Christ, Calvin!

Calvin and Hobbes set up a tire swing ... with a tire from Dad's car. And Dad has to go to work. Yikes.

Calvin opens up a tollbooth at the garage, charging his dad a quarter to park the car. When Dad asks why he should do that, Calvin says he'll pull the garage door down over the hood as he drives in. And it looks like Calvin got punished for that. Sorry, kid!

Calvin sees Moe walking towards him, saying that he's not smart but he's streetwise. After Moe walks away, Calvin says that "streetwise" means Moe knows what street he lives on. I should hope so, Calvin.

Calvin tells Dad that his polls are real high, and could go even higher with an extra push. Dad isn't persuaded and tells Calvin to help with the dishes, which Calvin describes as suicide. I can relate, Calvin.

Calvin asks Dad if he loves him, to which Dad responds with yes. Calvin then asks if Dad would still love him if he did something bad; Dad responds with yes again, but grows concerned. Calvin then amplifies it to something really, REALLY bad, and Dad angrily asks Calvin what he did.

Calvin and Hobbes go on a wagon ride but Calvin serves food to Hobbes, making a huge mess and leaving tableware all over the place. They finally come to a crash landing in Stoney Gulch, and Hobbes decides never to take the dinner flight again. Somehow, I think Calvin's mom is gonna be pissed about her tableware.

Calvin comments to Hobbes on how Halley's Comet's presence is foretelling the end of the world, but Hobbes claims it's just superstition. Calvin says he'd better go write his book report then. Sorry, Cal!

The barber shows Calvin his haircut, and Calvin says it's the finest haircut he's ever received. Calvin then comments to never criticize a guy with a razor. Good advice, kid.

Calvin visits the barber and requests a rather unconventional haircut. His mom, however, tells the guy to give Calvin the usual, to Calvin's dismay. Sorry, kid!

Calvin shows Hobbes how the toaster turns bread into toast. However, they don't grasp the fact that the bread BECOMES the toast. Interesting.

While out in the snow, Calvin loses a quarter. He and Hobbes have no luck finding it, and Hobbes says Calvin will have to wait until the snow melts. But Calvin refuses to wait that long to recover 25 cents, so he grabs a hair-dryer to speed up the process. Damn, Calvin!

While out in the snow, Calvin complains about it being cold, and Hobbes says Calvin should get a fur coat like his own. After thinking about it, Calvin decides to carry Hobbes, who turns out to be VERY heavy. Damn!

Calvin bugs his mom while she's working because he wants a grenade launcher. Unfortunately, Christmas and his birthday aren't for a long time, he spent his allowance, and he has no stocks or war bonds to cash. He asks for some soap, and Mom gives it to him so he can shut up. So he writes a message on the car's windshield saying it's for sale. Good God, Calvin!

Calvin is in his sandbox and builds a mini sand-town, which he labels as Downtown Tokyo. He then proceeds to destroy the sand-town while pretending to be Godzilla. Very interesting, Calvin.

Calvin plays baseball by himself but breaks a window in the process. He's very happy that he got it on the first try. Does he mean the ball or the window? Don't try vandalism, kid.

Calvin's parents come home, happy to find the house still intact. But when Mom goes to his room to check on him, she is attacked by a bucket of water that falls from his door. When she angrily asks if Calvin watched a scary movie, Calvin says no, then tells her not to come in because the rug is rigged too. Shouldn't have watched that movie, Cal.

Calvin's parents have decided to leave Calvin home alone, telling him to watch TV with Hobbes until they return. Excited that they get to watch TV, Calvin and Hobbes call the video store to rent a VCR and some videotapes. Hobbes wants to watch "Attack of the Coed Cannibals". Yeah, that doesn't sounds like an appropriate movie for you too. But I'd probably like it because I love that B-movie horror shit.

Mom and Dad are planning to go out for the night, but Mom is having trouble finding a babysitter. After Dad suggests leaving Calvin unsupervised for a few hours, they both burst into laughter. Mom genuinely wants to know what they're supposed to do. Somehow ... I feel leaving Calvin alone is a bad idea. VERY bad.