Status Updates From Blood-Sucking Fiends (Signed)

“Five pounds. If he’d only waited another week to attack. I was on the yogurt-and-grapefruit diet. I would have made it. I’d be thin forever.”

"3. After fumbling in the dark, he thinks he’s found the spot. When you tell him that’s not, it he forges ahead anyway. You: A: Grab the lamp off the nightstand and beat him with it until he gets off you. B: Grab the lamp off the nightstand and beat him to death with it. C: Grab the lamp off the nightstand, turn it on, and say, “Would you look where you’re at?” sorry no room to put option d

“Five Chinese guys asked me to marry them today,” he said.
Jody didn’t know what to say, so she said, “Congratulations.”
“I didn’t accept.”
“Thinking it over?”
“No, I wouldn’t two-time you.” “That’s sweet, but technically you’d be six-timing me.”