Status Updates From By Les III Parrott - The Co...

At the discovery that you were wrong: try to cover up, shift blame, make excuses, hope no one notices and moves on. All obnoxious. All very very tempting and seem like good ideas in the moment.

The cure for the elusive battle for control (that we won’t win): Live every day with gratitude for what God gives, and operate in grace. Ask for grace, give grace, receive grace, trust in the grace God has already given.

Arthur Somers Roche: “Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.”

In a time-starved life, complaints about busyness “sound more like pride than protests” because being busy means we’re Important.

Preach it, Oswald. “Fretfulness springs from a determination to get my own way.”

“we Control Freaks have a keen sense of being certain about things we haven’t actually witnessed” is just as good as the Kempton quote, “It’s hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head”.

Didn’t know Erikson (developmental psychologist) coined the term “identity crisis”. Wonder what he would make of the digital revolution generations.

Awareness is curative - just knowing your chronic response to a controlling parent (perfection and obedience, rebellion or numbing) is instructive. Might even be a barrier toward seeing your own strengths or present a false front to others.

A good method of forgiveness- seeing the good that God intended. Joseph was sold into slavery. His brothers begged for forgiveness out of fear of what he could do in a position of power. He told them that they meant it for evil, but God meant it for good. This courageous act restored the relationship.

Saying no and setting boundaries isn’t selfish, it’s actually a form of care to both you and the other person. (Per “Boundaries “)

Disturbing thought - some parents act controlling for the surge of assurance and power they lack elsewhere. “Such a mother, dependent and weak in all of her other relationships, thrives in her omnipotent-caretaker role, a role that depends, however, on her children remaining powerless and inadequate.”

Apparently compulsive lying (as a defense mechanism) can be cultivated in children of controlling parents. Also fear of intimacy and dependency (which can lead to narcissism). Pushy parents can turn their kids into critique machines - a scary thought.

Eternal victimhood and “A Confederacy of Complainers” leads to endless cycles of the blame game and “a vicious cycle of shirked responsibility “. Break it by making decisions and refusing the luxury of pity parties.

“Fighting fair hinges on two people’s willingness to flex and yield to one another…trying to achieve peace, not to prove their points.”

Way to drain emotional poison from a spousal relationship: make a Control Freak journal. In 24 hours, each person who takes the lead gets a point for making the final decision. Paying bills. Running errands. Towel placement in the bathroom. Clarifies existing power struggles.

“Deep in the soul of every Control Freak is an ample supply of anxiety, a seemingly endless stream that continually fuels the fear of being out of control. Control Freaks can’t relax because they feel at risk of being criticized or shamed for making an error. To feel safe, they feel that they have to be superhuman twenty-four hours a day.”

“An infant with an absent or inattentive parent suffers not only from a lack of love but also from what Seligman calls ‘a particularly crucial lack of control’.” Without hope than involvement will change anything, it’s easy to either become completely passive or a complete CF.

The issue of learned helplessness can be demonstrated by WWII death camp prisoner experiences: “they could have easily escaped on their own through holes in fences and unlocked gates”. Sometimes giving up control through repeated contact with a CF can keep you more helpless than needed.

Benefits of feeling in control (because complete loss of control isn’t better than overcontrol): “can increase the functioning of a person’s immune system” (per a Yale study), “critical to our happiness at home and our satisfaction at work”.

The folly of endless critique: “Control Freaks often think their criticisms will somehow make something or someone better.” It’s a tool to get others to do what they want.

If most CFs (Control Freaks) aren’t interested in the big picture, just the minor details that stop them from seeing beyond the detail…how do they get anything done?

If information is power, some Control Freaks suffer from Need to Know syndrome. Plus they don’t assume Keep Out signs apply to them.

Finally agree w/ Henry Ward Beecher. “The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won’t.”

Tools of the control trade: false friendliness (aka flattery), expensive gifts (aka bribery), empty promises (aka hypocrisy), sulking, nagging, chronically late, bullying, bossiness. Everything must be just so.

“With Control Freaks any and every situation can become a competition for control.” Author is not wrong about life becoming an exhausting war of wills when every day is combat day, not collaboration day.