Status Updates From 4.48 Psychosis

i have been reading this book for a week and ive only gotten to page 4 because each sentence is so good. 5 stars

'beautiful pain
that says I exist'

im reading this for my contemporary drama class rn - hey dr. arjomand what the actual fuck 😭

It is myself I have never met, whose face is pasted on the underside of my mind

watch me vanish
watch me

Black snow falls
in death you hold me
never free

I have no desire for death
no suicide ever had

the final period
the final full stop
look after your mum now
look after your mum

I think that you think of me
the way I'd have you think of me

Speak
Speak
Speak
ten yard ring of failure
look away from me
My final stand
No one speaks
Validate me
Witness me
See me
Love me
my final submission
my final defeat

warm darkness
which soaks my eyes
I know no sin
this is the sickness of becoming great
the vital need for which I would die
to be loved

behold the Eunuch
of castrated thought
skull
unwound

All I know
is snow
and black despair
Nowhere left to turn
an ineffectual mortal spasm
the only alternative to murder
Please don't cut me up to find out how I died
I'll tell you how I died

What came before was just the beginning
a cyclical fear
that's not the moon it's the earth
Dear God, dear God, what shall I do?

Hatch opens
Stark light
the rupture begins
I don't know where to look anymore
Tired of crowd searching
Telepathy
and hope
Watch the stars
predict the past
and change the world with a silver eclipse
the only thing that's permanent is destruction
we're all going to disappear
trying to leave a mark more permanent that myself
I've not killed myself before so don't look for precedents

I've always loved you
even when I hated you
What am I like?
just like my father
oh no oh no oh no

a black and white film of yes or no

still black water
as deep as forever
as cold as the sky
as still as my heart when your voice is gone
I shall freeze in hell
of course I love you
you saved my life
I wish you hadn't
I wish you hadn't
I wish you'd left me alone