Status Updates From A Perfect Romance

"Memories are funny things, aren't they? They're like your own private little picture show. You can edit and splice and put 'em together any way you want."

"I grew up thinking my own mother didn't love me. I filled the hole you left with peanut butter and ice cream and cake and beef jerky. I was a fat kid who turned into a fat teenager who became a fat woman and all that fat is nothing but unhappiness weighing me down. My unhappiness is so heavy that some days it's too hard to even pick up my feet.

She heard the rip before she felt the draft of air on her butt.
On second thought, maybe this is why superheroes wore capes.

Dana always thought that she should marry a butcher. He would undress her on their wedding night and mutter seductively, "Nice marbling."

right before I slid out of my skirt and into the Mustang, face-planting myself right between her tits.
"You're out!" she yelled triumphantly.
"Yesth, I amth," I replied with a nose-full of her boobs, trying to decide whether I was going to laugh or cry.

Having unshaved legs would act as a chastity belt. Or at least a speed bump.


😂 (Lmao I've totally done that!)

Chances were she'd always know where her left boob was and, by default, she'd know where her cell phone was

Lying across the hood on her belly with her face mashed against the front windshield, Dana said out the side of her mouth,
"Sometimes you're the bug, sometimes you're the windshield."

"I bow before your supreme weirdness."

This was the kind of real conversation Dana had always fantasized about having with a girlfriend. On the surface they were talking about bubble wrap and arm hickeys, but underneath where the subtext resided, they were really talking about deep issues like love and death and relationships and serial monogamy and lactose intolerance and IBS and …

See, when there's a hole in the conversation I feel this urge to stick something in the hole. In fact, there's very few people in this world I'm comfortable being around and not sticking something in their hole."

I was waiting for the irreverent comedic tone to take a turn... for the flippant mention of indigenous genocide, the exotification of a black bff (adopted by white people, natch), Dana's company being called "Slave Labor"... the straw that broke this camel's back was the explicit equating of anorexics/children/Asians.

I may always associate Lacey Gardner with a mild "ugh" in my mind from now on.

So Dana's supposed to be a quirky character, and also kind of a hot mess, right? Like, searching for love and validation but finding herself prone to clumsy accidents and unfortunate situations? And she has a habit of clenching her teeth in her sleep... and cracked a molar...

I'm uncomfortable with how all of the above literally applies to my life several weeks ago. I'm identifying with this character too much!!