Status Updates From Secure Love: Create a Relat...

You will protect the relationship from damage and you won't do things behind your partners back that might interfere with your sense of trust their sense of trust or teamwork, and it becomes a more natural state of consideration

be nurturing, considerate, little things for each other, remembering things what they like, speaking to each other respectfully and lovingly, helping each other out around the house, sharing chores responsibilities, making time for physical touch and connection sharing emotions having good manners, asking about each other's days and taking the time to listen being curious being each other's biggest fan

securely attached couples talk to each other about their experiences in the world. You might talk about your day at work or events from your childhood or about your dinner. With a friend. It could be anything the happiest of couples and have experiences to come back and share with their partners.

Here are some things to do to help create the attachment friendly environment and these are some things that securely attached couples are doing just being, having fun, sharing experiences and feelings, connecting with other people, nurturing the relationship, protecting the relationship, be secure, be imperfect

securely attached partners spent far less time working on the relationship and far more time enjoying their relationship, which is working on their relationship if you consider how much resilience is created when two people take the time to enjoy each other

long-term we want to fill the bucket up with clean water closeness and increased trust higher levels of emotional and physical intimacy and closer friendship

Ideally she'd like to see all couples achieve this felt sense of security closer to 90% of the time

When you have a secure attachment, you'll feel a strong sense of connection to your partner, but a lot of the time security is less about what you do feel and more about what you don't feel

“Bears repeating that conversations like this do not always solve the problem right then in there it's like choosing an apple over a donut because you want to eat healthier. rationally it makes sense but emotionally everything and he wants the donut”

I tried a lot of these things and I’m met with silence or misunderstanding or anger from them

if your partner has any reason to believe the goal therapy is for them to be fixed they might feel ashamed by you both and it won't feel safe to go

It was honestly when my partner finally admitted he would never go to therapy with me or as a couple that I finally shut down…

Honestly, I feel like I've said a lot of these things that they're saying to try to say and there's usually just no response or no moving no understanding even though I understand myself

“I understand your resistance of therapy but at the same time what we're doing isn't working and I feel shut out and alone”

“the only way out of hard feelings is through”

It’s funny because I already do this and a lot of other things that are recommended when I'm feeling grumpy or sad or just overwhelmed I'm not really sure sometimes with the core reason is but I still try to identify it and talk it out and let my partner know it's not about them

Reassurance sounds like a good thing, you should ask to help feel reassured because you want to share your emotions and you don't wanna be seen as too much but you shouldn't avoid that you should actually practice consistently reassuring each other because that's gonna help you heal your core fears of abandonment and shame and then you can get to a deeper level and connect and it's brave to risk vulnerability

“avoiding rejection obstructs connection”

Maybe your partner is not changing or maybe getting your negative cycle in better shape is clarified for you that some of the problems in your relationship really are about in compatibility rather than communication and the reality is that sometimes two people aren't a good fit

as hard as it can be to face sometimes after a significant period of times the length of which is different for everyone, you make great strides with your personal growth and start showing up in the relationship in the healthiest way possible but you're still miserable

When you can look back “wow I'm doing things differently”. I'm not getting sucked into rabbit holes, it's all because of me your confidence will only grow. you'll learn to trust yourself and to trust that you can rely on yourself to show up in a way that is healthy self compassionate instead of that old drive to fight/avoid self trust is self-esteem is self security is your secure attachment with yourself

…. overall the idea about being the change you want to see might not always work because in my case it's like I want respect but I don't get respect, and you can't convince the other person to like or respect you

….validating yourself before expecting validation from them. And they see working on it as a threat to their authenticity or the ability to just enjoy each other instead of working all the time they see it as a threat to the status quo.