Status Updates From Carrion

“Once we learn to fly, we do, we have never felt so weightless, so free. We test the relationship: how much may I pull back; how close may I get. The warmth of the sun rejuvenates us from our lonely solitude. And perhaps we do not yet know hot to take things in moderation. And we only have two choices: get closer to that which makes us feel like we’re flying (we are, we do), or drop unnoticed into the ocean.”

“To begin again is a blessing and a horror: you start over with the same questions and fears as before, you again travel through a narrow battlefield with scavengers who beg for the dead. […] Things melt, things change, there is transition, and I remember. […] I have to live alongside them. I have to live alongside not knowing what I can say when, not knowing who is when, not knowing.”

“Because that’s how love works. We substitute to make our circumstances feel more manageable. Everything is placeholder, and everything holds a place, because desire may never expend itself; instead, we exhaust and exchange. Both when we move and when we move on, we hold the two blueprints atop one another and hold them to the sun, determining what stays right where it is and what must move, out of necessity.”

“But I haven’t been able to tell for a while now whether I’d prefer to be with him or be him—and desire so often confuses itself this way, mistaking possession for identity.”

“I devote myself with so much passion and intensity so quickly because I seek the one who will not abandon me. I only need one relationship to not break.[…]
So I travel silently across this dirt road, and I am running. [H]opefully to that end point, that place to where we carry our relationships, that thing or place that I want most from one relationship—as quickly as I can, hoping to make it there before…”

“When she said my name, she was acknowledging that I was upset, saying my name so I could hear it. Because, while those closest to us use our names the least, hearing it is not only comforting because it reminds us that we are someone, suddenly already being and no longer becoming.”

"I like to locate pain within his body. (No, not pain. I like to locate what wounds him from within his own body. (No. I like to control the pain experienced by his body.)) I want to control nerve endings and synaptic fires. (I want to control a body.)"
-p22 "Ferris Wheel"
def into the push and pull of eroticism and stuck-in-your-head navel gazing