Status Updates From A Girl Is a Half-Formed Thing

well that was a fucking horrifying last chapter

"Just keep clear she says. You I say, oh me. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.
You and your holy joes. What they must think she says I don't know. I don't care. The future in the future.
Keep yourself to yourself when they're here. Nobody wants to hear your cheek. Nobody cares.
For that thanks for that I say. Peel the skin off why don't you, rip it from my bone."

"I called your aunt. Your uncle and aunt. Asked them to come.
No.
I want. Somebody here.
You. Do.
Of my own. I'm.
And they said?
He said.
He?
They'd come. Next week.
How long?
What?
How. Long. I.
He didn't say I just want my family with me.
I am.
You are my. Daughter much good that's showing to be now ... Just keep clear she says."

"This wrong doubtful body should not have been mine. Mine was. Not this. Was perfect. Once.
Drag the. I will and sit and drown and drown if the. Come water. Over land. Swallow up. Swallow me down. Drag me in the gullies.
In the pipes please and the drains."

"So afterward pick out of my hair glue strands phlegm bit insides no better than. I shake. Feel that dizzy. Sit but alone. With my vomit.
Behind eyes blunt. What I'd be. Demure. If I could. With handkerchief blot ducts not glands race pump tears out and snot and fear like garlic through the skin.
Out my mouth like a mad thing raving clawing out my eyes.
This wrong doubtful body should not have been mine."

"I'm running. Between the trees. And the woodlands here and something primrose on the hill. It's the spring what's wrong here is me me me. Me the thing but I. Think I know. Is that the reason for what's happened? Me?
The thing. Wrong. Strangling it is. Me.
I have a juicy puke hazel over there over there. Came out up all over.
What a thing in my insides.
Just sit still I say."

"I'm bad to my mother and I'll never have luck.
Fuck. Fuck that, this, all everything.

It creeps and crawls and. What? They'll grasp their hands and pray.
She pray and whatsit she thinks she sees? Her son has failed her.

Make a run for it. This time. Up up and away.
There's a foul there's a wind where's the air. Catch me. I'm going down the footpath and running from the door. Slamming. Fuck you."

"Your nervous face. Disguise. I can't disguise.
Some ancient thing that catch me make me panic gag. Them. Doing it before my eyes. No.
Announce yourself and hear oh Lord.
Between us chattels us vessels of shame and you,
blue conscious with outstretched hands will be loaded up with all their sins.
And to the wilds they'll send you filled with that."

"She says don't think you can come here with your tantrums. And it's not like you've done a lot.
What?
For us. In the past.

Oh I see what you're at Madam. I see you well, think you'll make up with him. On the deathbed. I know you she says very well you selfish stupid lazy girl. Never bothered here and now. Don't. I'm not impressed. You conniving jealous. Shut your mouth you.
Fucking. I'm just trying. My.
Best."

"So I won't utter a single. No. I will. Do this.
I will do this for you because. I can.

Well I'll leave that to you she says.
Isn't that why you're here.
I am. Spitting.

What was that but? Don't you forget I'm the mother here.
I. Didn't.

You're not the only one. With this. You don't know what it's like for me to see my son and cannot do a single thing.

Yes Mammy. It's hard I know.
So. I go."

"I've a froth the mouth. In my head. What's all that? With her sniping? Now. Suddenly. She's all here mother. She. With scalding prayers.
Am I not here? I. Give me a good punch on my face.
Stop. It's fine now. It's fine now isn't that why you're came? To pick up. Bits and pieces.
Let her do her thing. Name of the father but shhh. Lead us into temptation. That's right. All very well."

"I. Please.
Think what I'll do.
I'll do everything I can I say.
You understand.
Yes I see I see.
She turns. Do you Madam?
What?
Remember I'm the mother here.
Sor.
I see doctor I see very well. Thanks be to Jesus. He gives me his strength. Only he helps me adore all of this.
Oh. And your daughter there of course.
Ah I trained her well.
So I see, so that's it then."

"She comes. All neat. All tidy down. All in state with her slippers. Make up the tea that's a good girl. And he'll want a biscuit. Yes. Sure I'd be lost without you she says and without the power of. Please don't. Prayer. Amen Mammy. I'll do that. Swallow my tongue. Amen again."

"Above I hear her turning. Hit her headboard with her prayers. Why don't you shut up? No now. You're here to care I say. I say so don't complain. You're clean here. You're calm and kind."

"His foot. I see. Is. Is trailing bored behind. A little. No doctor. He had that all the time. Before. Didn't you before you were sick at all?
I don't remember, you say.
Droop just a bit since he was young. Isn't that right? I want to say. See he's fine nothing's new.
...
You did always. Yes you. Always had. Your hand your foot a bit. No problems please here and nothing new."

"Hello. You're. How are. I'm calm and kind is who I. That's. Come in he's I. And shout are you awake? The doctor's here for.
Wake up sleeping thing. The doctor's here to. What? Your head. It's fine don't worry. Put your dressing gown on. That's it. There there. Now do you know who this is? Doctor. That's right. To see you. He's. Tired. Aren't you? That's. Fine. You can. Stand up. Walk around. His foot. I see..."

"A long and something time ago. Sweat bus sweat piny sweat me sweat me. When we you and I were. Oh no. Young. Is that the right word is it for that smell of underarms and my own hair?
All grown up now all grown fuck now ssshhh or they'll hear. And pick at pasta still there stuck on the on the bit there. Draining board.
When we were we were we were young.
See the cloud in where it's coming."

"Know that I will be watching. Listen for every hic and cough. See you and what's that? The corner of my eye. Are you slipping are you forgetting? No that's not right because. You. Not doing anything such as die. It's a while yet. That's for a time to come. In the weeks since I am back here."

"You're off. Escaping all these things.
Go away a little bit now. Now and more but still and still.
I'd like to say. I'd like to say.
Don't. Stay here. Please. If you will. I won't. I swear. Leave you alone."

"Whisper that. You are sleeping. I know. I know.
That dying way. Fully with your eyes saying last time for this. Last time for that.
Open them up for me. Let me see in. To pluck out. To see it. A bit more. Just a bit more before...
Open your eyes show me what's in. I'll pull it out. I'll bite it off like all wrong stitching. All wrong thread."

"Hold my hand. I'll do. My. For you. My best for you. For what we should be. If you can show me all the parts that are working. And the not.
Hurting or sleeping. Show me this in secret code. To fix. I'll purge it. Kill it out. I'd kill anything for you. Rabbits and rats. Wring their necks to test on. Crushing flesh. Race round the world for only once born flower buds. Once thousand years Id press their sap on you."

"When do you think I will see you again ? Do you think that I will. I will. I will. For I won't let go. Even when you're gone. Time's going onward. See it in my clock head. Ticking until you are run down. And I am frightened and I am afraid of the cold. Of the dark. Of the sea. See. I will do my best. For all I am the thing I am for what I am. For you. You.
Until the ships come in, is that the right way?"

"Did I say that? I don't know. Do you love me? Can you love me even after that? Even now. I won't ask and I won't say that inside myself or ever out again. Forgive me brother. I know not what I do. Forgive me brother for I have sinned. We are all the thing's we'll ever be. Even when I go on after that. After what is coming. Though it's happening to you. Oh bless. Me. Find a way out of this."

"Held. Out to you. You need. I see that. You have fallen down. My brother. My brother and my love. For you're the first one that I ever had. And we'll be good as good we ever were. Gold. Children with running noses straggly hair and cheeks all chapped and braised by the wind by the sea."

"Do you see. I can do what I can and that's what I can do. Yes I've done my worst now have I yes I've done my falling down failed but will you. Let me. Pick you up. In some way. Just a little? These are my bits. My pieces I have dropped and thrown along the way. The pieces that were mine. Of me. Of my leprous hands my skin my eyes that I do not. Have not known too much."