Status Updates From The Essential Guide to Hyst...

“The only role for Vaseline during sex is as something to apply to the bedroom doorknob to keep the children out.”

“The first commercially available and most widely used estrogen is Premarin, derived from the urine of pregnant horses (PREgnant MARes’ urINe . . . get it?).”

“After the age of twenty, the average woman loses about half a pound of muscle per year.”

“This is not the time to bask in the warm water and sing the entire score of Oklahoma!”

NEW FEAR ALERT “Another fear: what if your surgeon becomes ill or dies during your surgery?”

“If you are curious what your uterus weighed, that is usually included in the report. Inevitably, you will be disappointed.”

‘It’s virtually impossible for your doctor to get confused and remove the “wrong” uterus.’

“The most important thing to do the day before is to keep busy so you’re not feeling anxious. For some reason, closet-cleaning is a popular activity. After you finish cleaning your closet, it’s time to clean your bowel.”

‘Of course, on the rare occasion when that still does happen, the only appropriate response is to look piercingly at the guy’s crotch and say, “Just how small do you need it?”’

GREAT idea to read the chapter on surgery complications right before bed

“Even the most oblivious woman notices when her uterus drops outside her vagina.”

“The first IUD was reportedly a stone placed in a camel’s uterus to prevent pregnancy during the long desert trek when a camel pregnancy would have been catastrophic.”

“Women who live in southern or midwestern states have consistently higher percentages of hysterectomies than in other areas of the country.”

“Hippocrates, famous for his oath, was of the opinion that a uterus, if not fed with sperm, would go wild.”

K. “A woman’s pelvis is like a bowl, the uterus like a meatball, and the ovaries are like small meatballs.”