Status Updates From Renacida: Diarios tempranos...

5/17/49
 
“Finished [Hermann Hesse’s] Demian today and was, on the whole, greatly disappointed.”

6/4/49
Shostakovich Piano Concerto

Scriabin Preludes

Franck D Minor Symphony

Prokofiev Symphony #5

[Bach’s] Mass in B Minor
Sex with music! So intellectual!!

+ fragmentos:

"El costo de la libertad es la infelicidad. Debo distorsionar mi alma para escribir, para ser libre."

"¿Cómo hacer que mi tristeza sea algo más que una lamentación del sentimiento? ¿Cómo sentir? ¿Cómo arder? (...)"

"Harriet cree que es decadente porque está en una relación que no le interesa. ¿Cuán decadente soy yo entonces, si sé lo que siente en verdad y todavía la quiero?"

I wanted so much to feel a physical attraction for him and prove, at least, that I am bisexual_

Nothing but humiliation and degradation at the thought of physical relations with a man—The first time I kissed him—a very long kiss—I thought quite distinctly: “Is this all?—it’s so silly”—I tried! I did try—but I know now it can never be—I want to hide—Oh, and I’ve messed up Peter’s life so—

“The problem for me is to transform a detached intellectual scepticism into a way of harmonious all-round living.”
P[oin]t Counter P[oin]t

“… Emotionally, I wanted to stay. Intellectually, I wanted to leave. As always, I seemed to enjoy punishing myself.”
2/19/49

“my mind mastered by spasms of uncontrollable desire—“