Status Updates From Slanting Towards the Sea

Aww

“I mull over what Marina said, and the decisions I made…Decisions I felt forced, even coerced into for the greater good. For the first time, they reveal themselves to me for what they were. Choices. My choices. Because even conceding to someone else’s wishes, giving in to meet someone else’s needs—even sacrificing yourself—is a choice.”

“But when all the other arguments fall silent, there is this: an amorphous feeling of doom for tethering myself even more tightly to a life I don’t want. A life where I have no say. A position in which I am the executor of someone else’s dreams. The ultimate concession. There’s so little of me left. If I stretch myself any thinner, I will disappear.”

perf summary of being a people pleaser

What happened is every time I'm standing on solid ground, the rug gets pulled out from under me.What happened is I'm so tired my bones feel as tho they're infused w/lead. I'm petrifying slowly from within. I just want to lie here, give up ...I am done in. I am done. It's not that I grieve not having anything, it's deeper than that. I don't even want anything anymore.And not wanting?What other proof of death is there?

Having your heart broken is a clean, even righteous kind of pain. But intentionally breaking the heart of someone you love--there's no filthier, uglier task. It felt as though I had taken my own essence--the deep feelings, the empathy, the compassion--and mangled it into something morbid and disgusting. The kind of person I hated, the soul I didn't want to call my own.

[man FUCK Frana, what a horrific thing to say to someone at any time, let alone when she did]