Status Updates From Varney the Vampire; or, The...

This back cover is not accurate.

This back cover is not accurate.

Okay, so Varney's final actual for-real-honest backstory a.) contained nothing that we hadn't already seen play out in this book ten times before, except b.) a bunch of stuff about Cromwell and Charles II which doesn't matter and was just there 'cause, I dunno, Rymer wanted to discuss centuries-old politics in this vampire horror story.

Stop cutting back to Bevan just so that he can ask "Should I believe that this guy that I know is a vampire is actually a vampire?" It's pointless, and also it makes me hate this story more by reminding me that Bevan exists in it.

Man, all these bits are repetitive. Varney sneaks into a room and bites a girl. She screams. He flees. Everyone wakes up. Parent cries "murder!" even though the victim just fainted. Menfolk set up watch the next night. Hopefully this will be the last one, but I wouldn't put it past Rymer to slip in another in the next eight pages.

OH GOOD, MORE ANTI-SEMITISM. THANKS RYMER, YOU FUCKING FUCK.

"I have already said that I was not yet fully alive to the horror of what I was..."

Yes, you did. It was the sentence before last. Why are you repeating yourself so quickly? Did you somehow know that Bevan was going to take a three-paragraph break from reading at that exact spot? Or did Rymer not realize that a WRITTEN account should be phrased different than spoken dialogue?

"Alas! Alas! This is most grevious, and what can I do now?"

The same guy who scolded Sir George for being sad about his daughter's murder is throwing a tantrum because the murderer might die. Glad he's got his priorities in order!

I may have to stop now, I'll be here all night if I snark every time that Bevan does something reprehensible in the name of "goodness."

Notice a.) how much more concerned Bevan is with Varney's backstory than his friend's goodwill or mental health, and b.) the fact that Rymer uses the word "eager" three times in two sentences.

"We cannot anticipate any serious interruption to their general friendly intercourse."

Yeah, well, if it'd been me, I'd've never spoken to him again. Because I would have hacked his body to pieces and fed them to some pigs.

First of all, Bevan, fuck you, I honestly kind of hope that Rymer is in Hell for writing you. Secondly, did Rymer forget at some point that all this has happened in one night? How the hell did they get home before midnight when CLARA DIDN'T RISE FROM THE GRAVE UNTIL MIDNIGHT?

What a fucking douche! Varney MURDERED YOUR FRIEND'S DAUGHTER so badly that it DROVE HIM INSANE, and your concern is oh no, he might be so "exasperated" that he would hurt poor Varney!!1!11 Clearly THAT'S the worse thing about this whole situation!

There's a Jewish saying: "He who is compassionate to the cruel will eventually be cruel to the compassionate." And Bevan's form of compassion is frankly evil.

"His religion[...]was free from bigotry."

Ah, yes. Varney KILLED AN INNOCENT GIRL and turned her into a MURDEROUS UNDEAD MONSTER as REVENGE for people SAVING HIS LIFE, but sure. The only reason people don't like him is because they're vampire-racist or something.

Notice also that Bevan is concerned by poor woobie Varney, and not his friend who was DRIVEN TO INSANITY by Varney KILLING AND DESECRATING HIS CHILD.

I gotta say, this also makes Varney look like even more of a chump. Dude keeps going on and on about how he wants to die and how he can't manage to kill himself, but when the "superstitious rabble" decides to kill a vampire they manage to do it in like, five minutes. Super easy, barely an inconvenience. Just hire them to off you so this damn book can finally end.

WHAAAT? The superstitious, idiot peasants were dumb enough to believe that Clara is a vampire just because she's a vampire, and then it turns out that she WAS a vampire? I am shocked. Shocked, I tell you.

(I actually am a little surprised that Rymer threw in confirmation of the mob's "superstition," but will also be surprised if he doesn't continue to look down on them for being right.)

My gosh, Rymer actually stops to say, "Now, you may remember that the Rich People saw that Clara objectively is a vampire. But the hoi polloi are still stupid for believing this, because THEY didn't see any proof except for the fact that she's still looks alive and has blood all over her mouth."

"...upon the supposed nocturnal disturber of the peace of the distract."

IT'S NOT SUPPOSED! SHE CLIMBED OUT OF HER COFFIN A FEW PAGES AGO!

You see the nonsensical double standard here? Clara is a vampire when the rich people are in focus, but whenever the poors enter the story, vampires are fake and you must be a superstitious idiot to notice that they aren't.

Okay, yeah, confirmed: the boys' mom is dead, even though she was alive earlier in the story.

"...we will leave the noisy brawlers of the alehouse for the purpose of detailing the proceedings of those whose fortunes we feel more closely interested in."

Rymer has delusions of grandeur if he thinks that the Croftons are interesting.

Yup, we're doing another stupid mob scene, with more nonsensical moralizing about how they're superstitious idiots for believing what's objectively and evidentially true, and evil for wanting to not have their families eaten by someone who is, in fact, trying to eat their families. @@

What's the point of Sir George having two sons? If there's any difference between Edwin and Charles' personalities, I've yet to find it.

"It was Emma alone from whom he wished to keep the awful truth."

Let's see how that works out. Thinking about what happened to Mina Harker.

"'What the devil! Zounds!'
"Yes; that was what the parson said."

I don't believe you.

Y'know, this is supposed to be a scary story. It kind of kills the tension if the narrator constantly mocks the characters for being scared.

"...family vault of the Crofton's was situated." Shouldn't have that apostrophe.

"I have not looked upon these stone steps since my poor wife went down there in the sleep of death."

Um. Did you have a wife before the boys' mother, or did she die sometime in the last week without the book bothering to mention it? Is that why she hasn't appeared since being mentioned 34 pages ago?

Typo: "a the entrance of the graveyard" should be "at."

Credit where it's due: Rymer isn't writing them as idiots like I expected.