Status Updates From The Truth About the UFO Cra...

'The theory of a stolen Soviet aircraft goes one step further. It is suggested that the pilots of that aircraft were not human, just as the witnesses claim, but were, in fact, chimpanzees. For the theory to work, it must be accepted that the men on the ground [...] would be unable to recognise the bodies of chimps. And it overlooks the fact that there is no reason to have five chimps piloting stolen spy aircraft.'

The authors, for the sake of thoroughness, offer the fairly weak theory that the crashed UFO might have been a 'practice' atomic bomb, but conclude 'the information would have been leaked by now'.

Because the US military-industrial complex can only keep a secret when it's a cool secret.

'During the waning days of World War II, FBI agents and military officials requested that Americans keep their knowledge of the Japanese balloon bombs to themselves. Although the Japanese were desperate to learn whether the bombs were reaching the American continent, the American government did not threaten citizens to ensure their silence or their cooperation. It is an interesting contrast.'

It is, isn't it?

'According to [John G.] Tiffany, his father had been sent to a destination in Texas. There, they picked up metallic debris and a large cylinder that reminded him of a giant Thermos bottle[.] Tiffany wasn't sure if his father had actually seen anything like bodies, but he said that two were intact. After the flight, the crew felt that they couldn't get clean. They could not "get over handling something that foreign."'

'Marcel had said that he was not allowed to speak with the reporters. But according to Newton, "The major kept pointing to portions of the balloon to ask if I thought that would be found on a regular balloon." Newton said he had the impression the major was trying to save face and not appear to be a fool who couldn’t tell the difference between a normal balloon and something from outer space.'

Heh.

Later, Dennis's nurse friend from the base - the girl who tried to shoo him out before he was seen - pours out a shaken story of witnessing an Alien Autopsy™ over drinks at the Officers' Club. She makes him swear 'a sacred oath' not to tell the story or mention her name, and Is Never Seen Again™.

My favourite detail is that the aliens' hands have 'little hollowed pads looking like suction cups' on their fingertips.

'The red-haired officer said, "Don't kid yourself, young man. Somebody'll be picking your bones out of the desert sand."

'"Or you'll make good dog food," added the black sergeant, staring at Dennis.

'They escorted Dennis from the hospital and to his ambulance. Then they followed him all the way into Roswell and on to the Ballard Funeral Home.'

22-year-old Glenn Dennis - mortician/ambulance driver/All-American Everyman™ - spins the best yarn so far.

One afternoon at the funeral home, he receives a series of weird calls from the airbase mortuary officer about preserving corpses sans embalming - and, BTW, do they have any small hermetically-sealed coffins available? And then later, on the ambulance run with an injured airman, he accidentally Sees Too Much™.

As befits a collection of tall tales and recovered memories, the Roswell cover-up operates on a sort of dream logic.

'The crate was left in the centre, illuminated by a spotlight shining down on it. Although there was a full complement of guards on the outside, MPs were stationed around the interior of the hangar to watch the crate.'

Someone peeks:

'There was nothing to see inside except the plain wooden crate.'