Status Updates From De Donkere Toren (De Donker...

“The man in black fled across the desert…” But don’t worry. He’s just a random mention, not a real villain. There’s a spider baby instead. 😡

My advice to all writers: 1. It’s obnoxious as hell to write yourself into a book, particularly as a main character. 2. Having a villain baby is asinine, even if you find it necessary to dedicate 20+ pages to describing said baby’s penis.

Look I’m all for trials and tests along the hero’s journey but at some fucking point get to the main quest. I especially don’t need a description of a baby’s penis vs the goddamn dark tower

If a vampire kills Oy, I’m driving to Stephen King’s house and having words

Chapter 1: (Name) and the (Stupid things that don’t need to be in this series and are already in another book). Kill me.

Dear Stephen King, I know you can write. I know you can write a book. Please make this series good in the end.