Status Updates From Your Perfect Right: Asserti...

No individual can exist alone. None of us has the necessary knowledge, skills, or personal resources required to function with total independence in the world. We are interdependent, and our assertiveness must take into account and respect our neighbors’ needs as well as our own.

try to be yourself, be assertive, and take others’ needs, rights, and respect into account.

Although we suggest that you rehearse while you are developing your style and skills in assertiveness, we consider it very important that you develop a personal style — integrating assertiveness with your own unique way of dealing with people.

Remember to be assertive in your persistence; nagging can be aggressive!

recognize individual differences! Everybody has a unique view of the world; that’s part of the joy of the human experience. Don’t try to shape others into your image of them. Don’t assume there is only one way to be assertive in a given circumstance. Let people choose to be nonassertive if they wish.

And we’re in full support of the concept of “random kindness”: anonymous acts of kindness done without possibility of recognition or reward.

Assertiveness is not incompatible with kindness, thoughtfulness, compassion, empathy, or politeness. Someone with a truly assertive lifestyle is very concerned for others and their rights. We like the terms “empathic assertion” and “compassionate assertiveness,” which have been used to describe self-expression directed at the needs of another person. And we’re in full support of the concept of “random kindness”: ...

■ Be kind. “Kindness” is a word that doesn’t get a lot of press, but it has been our intent since the beginning of our work with assertiveness to help humans treat one another with respect, thoughtfulness, and, yes, kindness. The idea of assertiveness for those who had been “pushed around” earlier was to help them gain the respect that others weren’t offering.

■ Don’t get into a rut. You need not “assert yourself” all the time. How boring — and boorish — to go about always making yourself heard, always speaking out. Make assertiveness one tool in your repertoire of behaviors, one way to act that you can use when it is important and needed. Nothing is perfectly effective all the time; it is possible to have too much of a good thing!

■ Don’t manipulate. Assertiveness goes a long way when used appropriately. But it ought not to be used as a tool for manipulation, as a means to “get your way” at the expense of others (aggression), or as a constant style of behavior.

■ Remember, you do have some options for action. Any of them can cause you more trouble with a difficult person if you become a manipulator, so apply them sensitively — but firmly — and with the main goal of getting on with your life.

■ It’s often not possible to solve a situation on the spot. Look for a temporary way out so you can seek a solution in a calmer moment.

■ Acknowledging the other person’s feelings while seeking a resolution is usually helpful. (“I can see you’re really upset about this.”) But be especially careful not to patronize or come off sounding like a too-empathetic counselor.

■ So-called I-messages really can help — take responsibility for your own feelings without blaming the other person.

If there are particular individuals in your life who are predictable problems, you can practice methods that are custom designed for responding to them.

■ If you’re going into a situation where it’s likely you’ll confront a difficult person, set up some ground rules in advance to cover typical problems (like time limits for “talkers” in a group meeting).

■ Preparation in advance is a big help. Learn deep breathing and relaxation techniques, cognitive restructuring, and assertive skills. A confrontation is not the time to start practicing!

■ Your approach to these situations should be your own as much as possible — a good fit with your natural style. All the ideas here are legitimate, but only some will work for you .

■ De-escalation of loud voice and angry gestures is usually best accomplished by modeling; lower your own level of emotional behavior, and you’ll probably affect the other person’s actions.

■ Direct your efforts at solving a substantive problem , not “taking care of” a difficult person. If you insist on one “winner,” there probably won’t be one. (And if there is, it may not be you!)

■ Behavioral ground rules for meetings ■ Standard procedures for how you’ll serve people ■ Policies you apply uniformly ■ Collective/ departmental action to effect institutional changes

■ “I’m not sure I understand.” ■ “What exactly is it that you want?” ■ “Would you explain that to me again?”

“Never play another person’s game. Play your own.” This process is a sort of “applied go with the flow” — letting the other set the pace and style, but not going along with her or his intent. Your action is firm but not oppositional. Such behavior makes you definitely not “fun” to pick on. Your objective here is to take control — to play your own game.

Techniques include:

■ Matching sensory modes (sight, smell, hearing): “Do you see what I mean?” “I hear you.” “That doesn’t suit my taste. ”
■ Ignoring the bait while responding to the attack: Attack: “If you really wanted to do a good job…”

Response (ignoring bait): “When did you start thinking I don’t want to do a good job?”

■ Praise often , focusing on the performance, not the person.
■ Consider that a manager must both lead the staff and provide necessary support .
■ Include the following resources in your supervision “toolkit”: team-building skills, clear communication of your expectations, employee motivation strategies, encouragement of assertiveness in your staff, and clear performance standards.

■ Remember that we’re all equal on the human-to-human level.
■ Make your instructions clear and direct.
■ Accept the responsibilities of leadership , including decision making.
■ Criticize fairly , focusing on the performance, not the person.