Status Updates From The Emotionally Absent Moth...

If Mother is not consistently available, is self-absorbed or absorbed elsewhere, is erratic and unstable or unable to be emotionally present for the child, then we don’t experience her as home base.

The Good Mother’s guidance honors the child’s limitations without drawing attention to them and without an attitude that the child should be one step ahead of where he is. Skillful guidance feels comforting rather than controlling or invasive.

When Mother is functioning as cheerleader, she is providing encouragement. […] This support and encouragement is very important during the stage of exploration (eighteen months through three years of age) when the child is first moving into the world. We need someone who is not only behind us but also actively with us.

[…] mirroring needs to be accurate. Distorted mirroring can have several results. One is conforming to what others believe about you, […]. In addition, distorted mirroring can lead to an ongoing attempt to get accurate mirroring. Some children and adults get aggravated when not seen accurately and try very hard to be understood. Others give up and feel invisible.

When Mother is modulator, she helps us transition from negative emotional experiences to positive ones. One way she does this is by first empathizing with what is going on, and then leading us to more comfortable territory.

Without Mother as an effective modulator, we don’t learn to effectively manage our emotions. Either we cut off feelings, or our emotional states tend to spiral out of control.

Mother as First Responder will be helpful to the extent she is attuned to her child’s needs. This is especially true for the early years before language.

Yes, you got enough mothering to survive, but not enough for the kind of foundation that supports healthy self-confidence, initiative, resilience, trust, healthy entitlement, self esteem, and the many other qualities we need to thrive in this challenging world.

When the mother is checked out and not attuned enough to respond to the child’s needs, the child ends up adapting to the mother instead of the other way around. Losing touch with his core experience, the child then develops what Winnicott calls a “false self”

It is not what Mother does that is so critical, but rather her energetic presence and her love that are so important.

How we are put together, how we see ourselves, our sense of self-esteem,
our unconscious beliefs about relationship—all of these are strongly
imprinted by our mother. She is not the only influence, but she and our
interactions with her provide the basic building materials for all of these
things.

There are many legitimate reasons a woman may be unable to fully take
on the enormous task of mothering, yet unfortunately women have often not been given (or not felt) a choice about this. Because of either unintentional pregnancy or social expectations, women may slide into motherhood without really choosing it.