Status Updates From How to Murder Your Life

I didn’t make friends. I didn’t declare a major. I had no idea what I was interested in or what I was ever gonna do with my life besides party.

And the lower your self-esteem is, the more you put yourself out there. And eventually you become (vaguely) popular.

“No one can make you feel anything you don’t want to feel,” my mother told me once, a complete delusion.

My mom had a scale and it said: THINNER—like the Stephen King movie.

“If you’re not a liberal when you’re twenty, you have no heart,” my dad used to quote Winston Churchill in the car after my soccer games. “If you’re not a conservative at forty, you have no head.”

I was all Courtney Love, all of the time.